Friday, February 24, 2006

Ask Ahmadinejad -- Relationship Advice for the Desperate 

As a new service to AbbaGav readers, we are pleased to welcome a new contributor, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who will be fielding your most challenging relationship questions. Not only is Mahmoud an expert at managing relationships and the art of working relentlessly to achieve your heart's greatest desire, but he also just so happens to be the President of his own country, so he should be well qualified to handle anything you're got to throw at him. Let's get started, shall we:

Dear Ahmadinejad:
I met this guy and we became friends right away. Around the fourth time of seeing and talking to him, my best friend told me that he has a girlfriend. So, months after that, I still remained his friend and was alright with the fact he had a girlfriend. Me and him became closer as time went by. He started telling me about what was going on in his life and he would tell me things that he wouldn't tell other people. We got to talking last week and things went great. Then he asked me if I could go out with anyone, who would it be. I wanted to tell him that it would be him (even though he still has a girlfriend), but I was just surprised by the question and I said I didn't know. I feel so bad inside, and so confused about things. I feel like all I am doing, is waiting for anything to happen. Should I tell him how I feel?
--Waiting in Wauwatosa

Dear Waiting:
Your question is a good one that has Ahmadinejad right between the proverbial Crushing Rock and the Stoning Place. On the one hand, this faithful servant of the Mahdi must counsel patience, the patience of a glacier willing to work for millenia if that's what it takes to slowly scrape a land off the map. Your time will come, Allah be praised, oh will it come, and then he'll be sorry -- for making you wait and frustrating you, that is. There will be no more of this "let's be friends" charade with you while he is meanwhile screwing the entire world, and they don't even realize it. No, patience, the day will come when this will all change in tens of nanoseconds, and then you will thank Ahmadinejad.

But on the other hand, Ahmadinejad is a man very much in touch with his feelings, and has always preferred to just let it all out, the rage, the anger, the righteous indignation or paranoid suspicions -- whatever it may be. You can't keep it in. If you want someone to come crawling to you on hands and knees, you have to let them know in excruciating detail exactly how you feel about them, and what your needs are. Sure, some people probably tell you it's better to "play the game" while you bide your time, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. But there will never be a perfect moment until you are willing to act, ruthlessly if need be. So, well, you go girl, go make it happen, but patiently. Ahmadinejad is so happy he could help.

Dear Ahmadinejad:
I'm a newlywed and feel a little resentment over how my in-laws behaved at the wedding. Despite our wishes, his mother wore a black pantsuit. Most of his family failed to sign the guest book, no one sent a card/gift, and we have not received any kind of thank you note for the gifts we gave them. Someone from his family even drew a mustache on my husband's picture and wrote odd sentiments like "We won't embarrass you" and "You're on your own" on the beautiful picture mat, which is ruined now. His family did not contribute anything to the wedding. They even had us pay for the alcohol at the rehearsal dinner, which was not in our financial plan. I feel that some good manners are in order. I need some help in either biting my tongue or letting them have it. What can I do to solicit some good manners or even a simple thank you note? Can I wear white to a funeral to get even? Where did manners go?
-- Fuming Bride

Dear Fuming:
This is a setup right? Is Ahmadinejad being punk'd or something? Did Kofi's stoolie El-Baradei tell you to ask this? No? Well, ok, you have come to the right place. You have so many options, Ahmadinejad almost envies you. First of all, you are to be commended: wearing white to a funeral is an excellent idea -- there is something about funerals that Ahmadinejad simply adores. But you must think bigger than that, really. You must seek revenge. After all, did they not force you to have alcohol at your rehearsal dinner? The scoundrels deserve what they get! One clever way to go about this is to invite them all to a wonderful party -- you are permitted to tell them you will serve alcohol if they seem hesitant -- but then slip some U-238 into their food. This special party food, once ingested, will give off alpha and beta radiations which cause cell death and genetic mutations causing cancer in exposed individuals and genetic abnormalities in their descendents over the years, or so they say. Should you need any assistance bringing this about, please do not hesitate to contact the nearest Iranian consulate. This, by the way, is further proof that Uranium has uses other than nuclear bombs, so please have your friends write letters to their religious leaders or congressmen or whoever is in charge there and have them get that maniac Bush to just BACK OFF. Thank you.

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(credit: questions scavenged from here and here.)

Linked to: Third World County, Quietly Making Noise, Basil's Blog, Uncooperative Blogger and Bullwinkle's Blog. And Happy Blogiversary to the funny fellows at Point Five -- go have a laugh at their expense!

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