Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Oprah's Jenin Week -- Day 3: Go Girl
Crowd:
Woooo... [ululululululation]... We love you Oprah!Oprah:
Thank you, thank you. Let's get started because I've got a very special show for you today. About. Girl power.Crowd:
[puzzled looks]Oprah:
Feminism.Crowd:
... Yay?Oprah:
That's right, you go girl. Yes, you've told us a lot about how tough it is growing up Palestinian. And female. And we listened. We've heard about Israeli checkpoints, and searches---Crowd:
You got that right!Oprah:
I hear ya sister. And then there's the dreaded uncertainty of not knowing in how many pieces your man is coming home from work each night.Crowd:
[nodding]Oprah:
The list just goes on and on -- it ain't easy for you girls. But take it from me, life is never so tough that adding a little ketchup and chewing a little harder can't choke it down. So I decided we'd do a little digging and get to the bottom of this. To help us out, I've got an incredible guest signed up today to go on special assignment, and she's going to tell us a whole lot more about the difficulties Palestinian women face, and give us a few simple tips to improve the situation. Ladies, please welcome, Britnayyy. SPEEEEEEYERS!!!!!
Britney:
Oprah! Thanks so much for, like, this opportunity. You know these issues are just so near and dear to my heart -- I've had it rough here and there too. Giving birth -- which was actually hard work -- and then all this marriage business... it's not easy being a girl, or not quite a woman, or whatever.Oprah:
[smiles, nods] It's so great that you agreed to go on special assignment for us Britney. Your reporting could make such a difference. I just want everyone to know that when we selected Britney as our reporter, it was only because we were looking for someone who really put themselves out there for the community, and Britney's agent confirmed for us that she's our gal. Britney, why don't you let everyone know a little bit about some of your projects, a little free PR if you know what I mean.Britney:
Uh, well, there's my work running free-of-charge hip-hop classes for 7- to 12-year-olds at Malibu Academy of Dance. And, um... My agent pointed you to me? That's just so sweet of him. What exactly did he say?Oprah:
[smiling to camera] Don't you just love humble superstars? [applause] Let me fill everyone in on your assignment, Britney, and then we'll see what you've turned up for us. We gave Britney a camera team and a list of the issues facing Palestinian women and told her to go out and get us the real scoop, not to sugar coat it. We told her to look into everything we mentioned before, but also other possibilities: honor killings, genital mutilation, polygamy, forced marriages, and so on -- to really find out what's what.Crowd:
[silence]Britney:
[cheery smile] Right. Oprah was all, like, "Ok Britney, go out there and show us these problems, up close and personal." And I'm like, "Ok, and I'll have recommendations for how to improve things too!" And then Oprah's all, "Ok, and"---Oprah:
Ok, yes. We're so lucky to have Britney, especially as this is sweeps week. So, without further ado, let's roll Britney's video.[dissolve to video]
Britney:
[narrating as video shows her entering an office and interviewing a man] I first decided to find out what the Palestinian government is doing about these issues, so I talked to... well, I can't really pronounce his name too good, but it was on that plaque on his door y'all saw. Anyways, I asked him about the honor killings and all that horrible stuff, because I just couldn't believe anyone would treat a women that way, no matter what Kevin says when he's ticked at me.Spokesman:
I'm so glad you approached me first, Britney. You see, indeed all of these crimes -- and they are very much crimes -- are a result of the intense pressure that is put on the Palestinian male. His land stolen from him. Humiliated at checkpoints in front of his family. Explosions all night. No work to feed his family, forced to swallow his pride and live off charity. It is too much for him to bear. And so you see, I agree this is bad, very bad, and I can only sadly wish the Israelis would show more concern for the Palestinian human rights, and the tragic consequences of their mistreatment of the Palestinian people -- males especially.Britney:
[narrating again] That was just so helpful. I totally thanked him for pretty much knocking off half my list before lunch time. And so here is recommendation number one that I have for solving the honor killings and all that: stop Israelis from being so mean to Palestinian guys.Crowd:
[loud, live applause in background]Britney:
[continuing narration] How hard could that be? It just feels so good to help. Then, after lunch and a pedicure, I decided to interview a bunch of Palestinian women to see what they had to say for themselves.[video shows a series of women in burqas speaking as Britney holds the microphone]
Britney:
[translating over the women's Arabic statements] I can't really tell you what they said, cuz frankly I didn't understand a WORD of it? But I did notice that they were all dressed up in these God-awful Halloween mu-mu outfits, like they were staying out of the sun after a skin treatment or something. So I figured they must be having some weight anxieties, body image problems you know, or maybe a little trouble dropping those post-pregnancy pounds? And yeah, I, Britney Spears have been there too. Really.[video fades, return to Britney and Oprah on the couch]
Oprah:
So that's it? That's all you got?Britney:
Oh no. Now I have a few final recommendations based on what I learned. First of all, I just pitied the terrible fashion choices that are available here to the women of Jenin. Just because you're fat doesn't mean you have to dress like a pig in a sack -- you know that better than I Oprah. So I put my wardrobe people on the task of coming up with a few fashionable updates to the basic Palestinian outfit, and then modeled them myself. I hope to market them in the local boutiques under my Britney's Burqas brand, and bring a little fashion sunshine into dreary lives. Can we show the pictures?
Britney:
As you can see, I've really updated the basic hijab look. It's much cooler on those scorching summer afternoons yet also hotter on sultry summer evenings, if you know what I mean. Plus, it should drastically simplify any troubles at Israeli checkpoints -- nowhere to hide anything anymore, so what's to check?Oprah:
Uh, Britney, I think you're missing the point about the security checks. It's not just being searched. It's being made to wait in pointless lines, and...Britney:
Oh, yeah, I know that. But let me tell you, I've been through that. If you've ever seen how fast a little skin can get you through the VIP line at the clubs you might trust my judgement here a little more...Oprah:
Ok, fine. Why don't we just move on to your next creation.Britney:
Kay. My second number is a bit more classical and traditional, while still hinting at some forbidden fun.
Crowd:
[lot's of very loud Arabic]Britney:
Yes, yes, thank you! That's so kind of y'all. In true Oprah spirit, I've brought along enough of each of these outfits that everyone in the audience will go home with a dream wardrobe from Britney's Burqas! That's right!Oprah:
Wow! [claps nervously, looking at crowd] You really should have cleared this with me first Britney, or at least with security. Britney:
And then I thought I'd give a few makeup tips for using mascara and eyeliner, since that's all y'all are allowed to show? And I brought my makeup girl--Oprah:
Oh my, where has the time gone Britney! Thank you so much, but we've got to move along.Britney:
But--Oprah:
[standing and moving away from the couch] Thank you so much, Britney Spears, for your fine reporting and analyis. Hopefully, because of you, being a Palestinian women will be just that much easier. Great. Now, you probably remember yesterday's video of how I was turned away from the Knesset building even though I was carrying a peace gift from a local boy, Mustafa. Well, we've got the head of Knesset security on the line, and he's about to get just a little piece, the tiniest fragment, of Oprah's mind -- or maybe we'll skip straight to Oprah's boot.Crowd:
woooo....hoooo...Oprah:
Hello sir. Sir, are you there? This is Oprah Winfrey.Security:
Hello, yes I'm here, I've been here on hold for 20 minutes. How can I help you?Oprah:
Thank you for speaking with us, you're on the air on the Oprah Winfrey show. I wanted to ask you a few questions about how I was treated by Knesset Security.Security:
Go ahead. I'm not at liberty to reveal everything about what we do, but if I can clear something up, I'd be happy to help.Oprah:
Not at liberty. Uh huh. Now, you must not know me, but I'm not used to this kind of treatment -- and no, I'm not stupid enough to stand here and say I should be treated differently just because I'm a famous celebrity billionaire. But I want to make sure I wasn't treated rudely at your security station two days ago just because of my race. This better not be a racial thing.Security:
Good heavens no! We are obligated to--Oprah:
So you DON'T have a policy of checking every black women who passes by?Security:
Well, in fact we do, we check every--Oprah:
You check every black woman? No matter how well dressed they are?Security:
Yes--Oprah:
Even if they are only coming to deliver a PEACE GIFT!Security:
Ohhhh, that was you?Oprah:
You bet your left felafel that was me. Starting to make sense yet? That's Oprah...O-P-R-A--Security:
So you're the one who left the gift wrapped box of explosives. Would you be so kind as to drive over to the nearest police station? There are a number of questions--[click]
Oprah:
Well, that's about all the time we have for today. But I think I can safely say that tomorrow, in addition to our planned guest, I'll also be publicly tanning a certain boy's hide -- no names, but I will say it rhymes with YOU-stafa. I do hope you'll join us. Bye now.NOTE: This is parody, and not intended to imply anything about Oprah's real life attitudes regarding the Middle East. It's just a cheap pandering ploy for traffic based on riding Oprah's prodigious coattails. In fact, Yourish points out that Oprah is doing a series of episodes this week from Auschwitz with Elie Wiesel, even if it is with the usual Oprah style. (hat tips: West Bank Mama and Eric from Flig).
Oprah's Jenin Week (best read in order)
Day 1: Mothers
Day 2: Poet
Day 3: Go Girl
Day 4: Snitch
Day 5: Massacre
Epilogue: Exposed
Linked with thanks to Rhymes with Right, TMH's Bacon Bits, Cigar Intelligence, Stuck on Stupid and This May...or Not
Technorati Tags: parody, oprah, hamas, feminism, israel, britney's burqas, jenin, britney spears
