Sunday, July 16, 2006

My Meager Contribution to the Fight Against Hizbullah 

I hate to acknowledge it but I am getting a little old and out of shape for actual combat. Nevertheless, like most Israelis, I really want to do whatever I can to help out. So, I thought I'd use my blog for a little PsyOps against those nasty, brutish and short guys from Hizbullah.

Attention, O fighters of Hizbullah, this post is for you, especially if you are a mid-level manager with some aspirations of survivable fame and fortune -- that is, everyone who is not presently manning a machine gun pointed at the sky, and whose name is not Nasrallah.

Why don't you email me your name so I can write about you? Do you really think it's fair that Sheik Nasrallah gets ALL the publicity? Everything I read about you guys starts out with "Nasrallah said this" and "Nasrallah said that" -- I don't know how you guys put up with that egotistical, spotlight-hogging crap! Who died and appointed him eternal King and Lord Emporer over the rest of you lesser folk? (Note: that was a rhetorical question; please do not flood my comments and history with a detailed history analyzing precisely which previous blood-soaked sheik put Nasrallah in his will just before his 500 pound date with destiny arrived).

Even Hamas gives their mid-level thugs a little press now and again. Of course at the top there's Ismail "I'm the good Hamas guy, but I still won't negotiate unless you agree to die in advance" Haniyeh who is the Prime Minister. But there is also Haniyeh's evil twin, Khaled "Who's your Syrian Sugar Daddy" Meshaal, hiding out over in Syria and keeping his Prime Minister busy explaining how he can't free the kidnapped soldier because he's not really in control.

But even before Hamas won its recent election that launched the legislative careers of so many, we already knew a fair bit about many more famous Hamas terrorists and terror leaders than we've ever heard of from Hizbullah.

There was Sheik "I'm in a wheelchair so you can't kill me no matter what I do" Yassin, who's dead now. Then there was Yassin's successor as Mastermind-in-Chief, Abdel-Aziz "After you opened the Gates of Hell by killing Yassin, you certainly  won't touch me" Rantisi, who is also dead. And who can forget the guy with the red beard, old what's his name -- you know who I'm talking about. And master terrorist Muhammad "It's Just a Flesh Wound!" Deif. And last but not least, there's Maryam "even our chicks get more pub than Hizbullah second-tier leaders are even allowed to dream of" Farhat.

If you ask me, you Hizbullah guys are getting cheated out of publicity. Someone -- and I'm not naming names here, since I already named him a few times earlier in the post -- is stealing the 15 minutes of fame that is rightfully yours. How do you expect to close that retirement book deal of your life's story when no one has ever heard of you? Of course you could always plead with Nasrallah to toss you a scrap, like maybe a passing footnote in one of his bestsellers, but there's no cash there, and I would think you'd have more pride than that.

Besides, you can't really crawl to Nasrallah begging for a little camera time right now, can you? He's busy hiding out somewhere in complete secrecy, trying to stay alive so he can preserve his brief time bathing in the media's warm admiring glow. But if you did know where he was, I know what I would do -- not that I'm trying to tell a bloodthirsty, murdering terrorist how to deal with someone who is doing him wrong. I'm just saying is all.

Enjoy your war.

PS: The Good Professor at Right Wing Nation has some more letters you guys should pass along, of course only if you get Nasrallah's permission. Or you could read them yourselves and then run for your lives.

If you really, really liked this -- or even really, really hated it -- there's lots more: