AbbaGav

[[--for INTERNAL distribution ONLY--]]

*** EDITOR'S NOTE: translated from the original Arabic ***

O Mighty Nation of the Prophet! Look! You people screwed up.

Yes, yes, we should have seen it coming, it's our own bloody fault. But way too many of you actually voted for us and -- quite stupidly -- forced this whole no-compromise-ever-ever-ever thing out into the open before we were ready. So now, before we can get back to eagerly draining our children's Holy Islamic blood on behalf of the eternal violent struggle for our inalienable rights, it turns out we have to deal with a little itty bitty problem first.

It's called bankruptcy.

We absolutely must somehow convince the EU, the UN and its various kvetching commissions, and the US to pony up some cold, hard cash, and quick. For if we fail, we will be reduced to little more than kicking sand in the face of our scrawny Zionist enemy. But still, you ask, have we really no better options than to bow and scrape before the Zionist entity's very patrons?

Of course we, proud leaders of the Islamic Nation, will not bow and scrape before the unfaithful!

We will make our demands and they will comply. Leadership really is quite simple.

It is unfortunate, however, that even this much is necessary. Certainly, as usual, Saudi Arabia and Iran promised they'd mail in a few rebate coupons from their Mercedes dealerships for us. But we all know how our petro-Brothers' billion dollar pledges work out.

In short, we have to prepare for the still-unlikely possibility that there might be consequences for electing properly uncompromising pro-Jihad, anti-Zionist leadership. We had hoped to avoid this whole mess by cutting costs -- for example by stopping payment for non-essentials like food shipments and medical supplies -- but there is no avoiding the need to pay for necessities -- ammunition, combustible flags of various enemies, and the like. Sadly so far, although the infidels tease us with promises of hidden third party conduits, even our friend Jimmy Carter's best efforts yield results only marginally more generous and reliable than our stingy Iranian and Saudi brothers.

So the time we have dreaded is rapidly approaching. We cannot put it off any longer. It is time to begin considering fundraising ideas, before the weapons dealers start calling us No-Mas. Here are a few brief suggestions to get the ball rolling. Please discuss them in your units with any surviving comrades and pass your best ideas up and over and around and back again through the org chart:

Corporate Sponsorship of Suicide Bombers. Sell the idea to companies hungry to enter the petro-Islamic market, the idea of their company name on BBC, Al-Jazeera and CNN-International twice an hour: "This explosion brought to you by..."

Web 2.0 and peer-to-peer technology. We must support pay-per-view webcasts this fiscal quarter. Consider that the global market for pay-per-view is perhaps 150 billion dollars, so if we can capture just 4% of that, we could probably afford to simply pay the Israelis to kill themselves for us. This could really be big. If people are willing to pay a dollar in the Syrian souk for DVDs of infidel executions that are already last week's news, think how much they would pay for jerky, grainy shots of live mayhem.

Yard Sales. If we sell off our people's excess food, diapers and penicillin on EBay, maybe Djibouti will buy it. Added bonus: then we can flog the starvation agenda that much harder, and we all know whose fault it will be if we starve. Hey, it worked for Saddam.

Tickets. We need to start charging admittance to our funerals, demonstrations, political rallies and riots. A few dollars a pop at least. I'm sure the journalists are on expense accounts, so it shouldn't be a problem.

With our PR talent we should be able to milk the 4-1-9 circuit. How could we not improve on Nigeria's track record extracting money from gullible marks, like that Bishop of Bullfrog fellow. Get somebody to work up a good form-letter -- something about "terrorist" money held in escrow -- pronto, before the wealthy, philanthropist Bishop catches on.

Yeah, I know it looks bad when a quick injection of Euro-cash is our best shot. But it will probably take a few more weeks until we can find someone to negotiate with us on the price of repurchasing Oslo. Until then, talk amongst yourselves.

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[[--for IMMEDIATE and WIDEST possible EXTERNAL distribution--]]

Please destroy the previous press release, now.

It was transmitted erroneously with no intention of ever reaching English-speaking audiences. And was fraudulent anyway.

Apparently Abdul, our janitor, is a little loose in the screws and was playing around with the fax machine contact lists in my office -- in an entirely unauthorized way, you understand. You know how it is. The previous irresponsible memo was completely invented by Abdul and he has been punished most severely for his misdeed.

We will, however, be sending out a few REAL Jihad for Peace memos over the next few days and we would appreciate your including as much of their content as possible verbatim in your Western media press releases. We hope recognition in the West of our great desire for complete and total peace, from the Jordan to the sea, will inspire generosity in support of our just cause. As always, we do appreciate your support.

Again, please, destroy the previous press release immediately. I'm not saying "or else" or anything like that. But I really mean it.

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[[--for IMMEDIATE and WIDEST possible EXTERNAL distribution--]]

Ok.

Some trouble makers -- and they know who they are -- have been making a big deal about the fact that my English language resume was apparently somehow included in the earlier fake fax. They also contend Abdul is illiterate and could therefore not possibly have crafted such a damning -- and well-written, if I do say so -- fake memo.

As it turns out, these observations are entirely true. Our investigators have managed to extract from Abdul a signed confession attesting to his illiteracy, and his inclusion of a phony copy of my resume in his forged faxery. So the perfectly obvious deduction is that Abdul had a co-conspirator, or even a puppet master pulling his strings. For that reason, it has been decided to allow Abdul to live, and return to his janitorial duties, although it may be difficult without the use of his left arm and most of his hearing gone.

We should all step back and contemplate for a moment who would stand to benefit the most from the wanton slander of our fine new government.

Enough said. Please expose the treacherous conspiracies of the lying Jews at your earliest convenience.

Jihad for Peace! Thank you.

Reference Related Press Releases:
Peace Jihad: Day 1--Fundraising
Peace Jihad: Day 2--Invention
Peace Jihad: Day 3--Trust
Peace Jihad: Day 4--Name Change
Peace Jihad: Last Day--Where's Our Money?

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