Saturday, August 06, 2005

Ten Tips to Help Build Utopia 

  1. Tip your garbage man. But make sure he knows it's for him because he won't enjoy having to dumpster dive to retrieve your token of gratitude.
  2. Buy a cold drink for the security guard at the grocery store who is checking the bags of the little old ladies. Make sure he still checks your bag so no one thinks you bribed him for special favors.
    NOTE: this tip only applies to non-terrorists. If you are a terrorist, please do not attempt to bribe the security guard, just submit your backpack for a peaceful check, or better yet, go find a nice isolated place, far from anyone or anything, and hit the switch. You know you want to.
  3. When driving, stop to allow pedestrians to cross the road. Unless there are two lanes in which case you are just getting them killed. Or if you live in Beit Shemesh where I live, don't even stop if there is only one lane unless your car is as wide as tank and can fully block off "squeeze throughs" on both sides.
  4. Remember little things like "please" and "thank you" with waiters and other service-oriented people you meet. This does not automatically label you as a freier or a sucker, although it would be a good idea to double check your receipt.
  5. Take time to pray for world peace. Take just a little extra time to pray that world peace doesn't come from the victory of global jihad and the world-wide imposition of Sharia.
  6. Think globally and act locally. Unless you are travelling internationally, in which case you should probably switch those two around, at least until you are home and local once more.
  7. If you happen to meet an Eskimo, ask him to throw away or burn his fur coat and muffler, assuming it's the real deal, and replace it with a synthetic imitation. Hordes of naked famous fashion models will thank you. Or at least Dennis Rodman will, which is almost the same thing.
  8. Don't encourage a culture of violence by giving your children "toy" guns. Consider buying them a model of the UN building or a poster of Dominique De Villepin instead.
  9. Try to buy more healthful products like those labeled 'all natural', 'organic', 'wholesome', or 'fresh'. That way, even if they give you cancer in the end, you won't be troubled by a nagging feeling it was your fault.
  10. Empower yourself with knowledge. Reading is a good way to do this. Reading from the internet on your computer is an even better way as it doesn't involve forcing paper companies to have to replant trees. And if you stick to the blogosphere, that's the best because reading MSM is really just an indirect subsidy of their wasteful ways. Basically, read my blog every day, believe it all, and that's about all you need. Enjoy Utopia.

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