Friday, March 31, 2006
Resurrected Gameshow -- Celebrity Charity Password
Host:
Welcome to this special charity edition of Password, with four celebrity contestants and me, your resurrected host, Allen Ludden. Let's meet our four players.
Host:
Our first player is a young gal by the name of Cindy Sheehan. The worthy cause Cindy is playing for today is the "Nonpartisan Committee to Fight Facism By Electing Moms of Murdered Soldiers." Very good Cindy, and best of luck to you!Sheehan:
Luck? Ha! If I had any luck I'd still have a SON now wouldn't I? No, I'll do this one with skill thank you.Host:
All righty. And Cindy's lucky teammate will be none other than the documenteur extraordinaire, Mr. Michael Moore. Michael will be playing for the "European Welfare Society" and we also wish him good luck.Moore:
Thanks Allan. Hi Cindy. I must say, if you don't mind I mean, that you look lovely as usual today.Sheehan:
All right, stick a cheeseburger in it already Lard Boy. You know, if my son was still alive he could kick your gigantic ass from here to Crawford and back, so just shut your trap and play the game, got it? Can we get this show on the road? I've got a photo op with--Host:
Our third player is a noted statesman who has graciously agreed to appear on behalf of the "Nuclear Weapons Proliferation Fund" -- my, such worthy causes today -- please welcome Iranian President Maha.. Maaah--Ahmadinejad:
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.Host:
Right, that's what I was going to say. So welcome, Mahamood! You'll be partnering with a relative newcomer to the limelight, who's nevertheless making quite a big splash in the media pool. Please welcome Palestinian Prime Minister Ismail Honi..Ha..Hannyah.Haniyeh:
HanIYEH, Ismail Haniyeh.Host:
Good Lord, these names have gotten a bit dicier since the 60's. I should have asked for more money. So, Ismail, what charity should we make your check out to? You didn't write one down on your form.Haniyeh:
Do you SEE ME before you on bended knee, begging for your lousy CHARITY? We are a proud and self-reliant people; we will get our money from brother Saudis and Iranians (smiles between Haniyeh and Ahmadinejad) and various other less public sources, so you can just take your--Host:
No, no, no -- we will only donate money on your BEHALF to the charity organization of your choice. YOU won't receive charity. Ha, but aren't you quite the kidder now!Haniyeh:
I do not kid. Very well then; I consent to your donating your money to my charity. Let me see, what do we call it in English again? Something like the "Support Families of Bombing Operations" I think.Host:
I see. Helping widows and orphans of terror attacks. Very noble indeed. Let's get started then. And remember, each player's points will be multiplied by $10 and the total will then be donated in their name to that player's selected charity.Sheehan:
Wait, but we keep the appearance fee and per diem for ourselves, right? I thought that was agreed or I never would have signed.Moore:
Cindy's right! I got that on film. Wow, this kind of backstage shenanigans would make a great exposé.Host:
Yes. Yes, of course, Cindy. But we can talk about that later, after you're done playing so generously and selflessly for charity. Work with me a little here. Help me help you.Sheehan:
Ok, I hear you. But remember, quality grief doesn't come cheap. Just so you know.Host:
So informed, we move on. Our celebrities today will be playing a shortened game of a single round only, and the round further reduced to three passwords instead of the usual seven -- this on the advice of our friends over at Family Feud and Hollywood Squares, who want to make sure we finish on time. Michael Moore and Mahaha, Maaah... you -- can I just call you Matt? -- the two of you have chosen to give for your respective teams. Ismail, Cindy, you will receive. Ready? Our first word then...(the word is... NEGOTIATION)
Host:
Matt, the first clue is yours and worth 10 points. As you know, the points drop by one with each clue given until one team guesses the password. Go ahead.Ahmadinejad:
Ehhhh... Hmmm. Endless.Haniyeh:
Bloodshed?Host:
No, Mr. Moore, 9 points left to you.Moore:
This is a cinch; me and Cindy share a wavelength. Ok. Peace.Sheehan:
Hmmm. Endless, Peace. Uh, Impeachment?Host:
Wrong wavelength I'm afraid. Matt, 8 points still available.Ahmadinejad:
Tactical!Haniyeh:
Aha! Negotiation!Ahmadinejad:
You got it, my friend!Host:
Excellent! Correct! (Ahmadinejad and Haniyeh exchange jovial high fives) Very good, 8 points to the team of...to your team. Mr. Moore, you will start our next word at 10 points.(the word is ... EARTH)
Moore:
Mother.Sheehan:
Oh, I'm so flattered! You made me one of your answers? The answer is Sheehan! You really didn't have to.Host:
We didn't.Sheehan:
Oh. Well you should have. Would it hurt you to reach out a little to the grieving mothers of this country -- that I represent?Host:
It's hard to answer that without ridiculing you, so let's move on to Matt's 9 point clue.Ahmadinejad:
Ours.Haniyeh:
Ours? Our Mother? Uh. Maryam?Host:
No, I'm sorry, Mr. Moore, your 8 point clue?Moore:
(smug expression, forefinger tapping his wise temple) GoogleSheehan:
Hmmm... Google. Our. Mothers. That would have to be...Illegal Domestic Wiretaps?Host:
Ms. Sheehan, I'm sorry, and remember, passwords are single words only.Sheehan:
Well I've got a single word for you, Mr. Smarty Pants, strutting around and bossing grieving mothers around like you're the cheese knees, and my word is--Host:
Matt! Please!Ahmadinejad:
Uh, Planet?Haniyeh:
Ah, the planet! Now I see. It IS all OURS, right? So that would be Earth!Host:
Indeed, 7 more points for you gentlemen. You now have 15. Our final word of this round, Matt, your turn to start.(the word is ... HEDGES)
Ahmadinejad:
Cover.Haniyeh:
Story?Host:
No, 9 points to you Mr. Moore.Moore:
Bush.Sheehan:
Grrrrr. Ok Cindy, thinking cap now, let's see... Bush. Cover. Oh, easy. It's "ass" right?Host:
Most definitely not. Matt, 8 points left for you.Ahmadinejad:
TopiaryHaniyeh:
I LOVE those.Ahmadinejad:
Me too!Haniyeh:
Hmmm. Oh! Hedges? (Ahmadinejad claps giddily.)Host:
Well played gentlemen. You each finish with 23 points. Mr. Moore, Ms. Sheehan, approximately zero. You know, I don't care what they said about you guys, this went pretty fast. I almost wish we'd left enough time for a second round.Sheehan:
No can do pretty boy. These boots were made for marching, and that's just what they'll do. Gotta run!Moore:
Bye Cindy!Haniyeh:
Hey "Matt" -- heh -- where you staying? We should talk.Host:
Thank you for tuning in everyone, it's certainly been more fun than being dead for the last 25 years. Join us again, won't you?Thanks to: Customer Servant, TMH Bacon Bits, Imagine Kitty Magazine, Don Surber, Quietly Making Noise, Third World County
Technorati Tags: password, satire, gameshow, haniyeh, ahmadinejad, sheehan, moore, ludden
