Monday, January 09, 2006

Hamas and the Suicide Hotline Program 

Recent months have brought the sobering prospect of Hamas gaining a significant number of legislative seats in upcoming Palestinian elections. Now, as it starts to look like Hamas may actually form the next P.A. government, it's time to consider how such a government would function, how it would affect the average Palestinian on the street.

In that vein, to see whether its constituents can expect anything more from a Hamas-led government than Israeli reprisals and work accidents, let's take a look at how a representative government program might change under a transition from Fatah to Hamas control.

Fatah-Funded Suicide Hotline

Welcome to Suicide Hotline. Yes, Chairman Arafat has been martyred but his legacy lives on in the person of Prime Minister Abbas, so there is no need to despair. Please hold and a counselor will be with you shortly...

[PLO anthem plays softly in the background a few times...]

...Ahalan, how may I help you?

Yes, hello? I want to kill myself.
mmmKay...I see. In making this important and life-altering decision, did you stop to think just how demographically valuable you are to Palestinian national interests? Are you aware that just by living and having children -- lots of children -- and vocally asserting your human rights against the occupationist regime...

Huh? No, no... whatever, look, it's just that my girlfriend, I mean my ex-...
Sir, please, focus with me. The strength of our people, our very life blood, is the cumulative complaint of the growing multitudes of refugees, like yourself, who demand compensation from and relocation within the criminal Zionist enterprise. We need you alive and fertile. Sure, if you kill yourself, we could always dump your body near an Israeli checkpoint and blame them for your death, but don't you want your life to count for a little more than that?

Well...yeah, I guess. I mean, it's just that I'm soooo depressed, my girlfirend dumped me for a Hamas guy... said he was going to blow himself up and how romantic it was and...
Sir? Sir! Let me stop you right there. We cannot condone martyr operations of that sort at this time because they do not further Palestinian national aspirations as of today. However, you may wish to put your girlfriend...

Right, you may wish to put your ex-girlfriend in contact with our public relations department so she can help her new boyfriend better coordinate the timing of certain events. We of course support our Hamas brothers, we just wish they would consult the community calendar a little more regularly.

Ok, ok, I'll pass that along, but what about me? What about my girlfriend. I'm so depressed and miserable...
Well that's actually excellent! A miserable refugee is a useful refugee. Heck, if all we'd wanted was a life working as janitors, watching cable television and living off subsidized government cheese, we'd have spent the last fifty years learning French or Norwegian instead of waging eternal Jihad. Wouldn't you rather live a meaningful life here in this squalor, with each day's hard-earned misery taking another little bite out of the Zionists' criminal regime? Remember, you're not just an insignificant, miserable person, you're a statistic.

Never mind. Maybe Dr. Phil takes international calls.

Let's see if putting Hamas in charge makes any difference:

Hamas-Controlled Suicide Hotline

Welcome to Suicide Hotline. Please rest assured that your death means a great deal to us and we value your call. Please hold and one of our operatives will be with you shortly...

...Salaam Aleikom, how may I help you?

Yes, hello? I want to commit suicide.
Well of course you do. And you've come to the right place, we're here to help. But first, you should know, we don't like to call it suicide, but resistance, Ok? Now just give me a moment while this darned computer starts up...there, that's better...just one more second while I open up the calendar....great! All right, if I may ask, have you already selected a date?

Selected a date? No, no date, that's why I'm calling. She said no. She broke up with me! [sobs]
Hey now! No crying, my man, you gotta hang tough. You've got to focus on how sorry she's gonna be when she finds out you're sleeping with 72 of the absolutely hottest virgins in all of paradise. Are you with me?

72 virgins? But, I only want Fatima.
Well, let me clue you in on a little secret here. There juuuust might be a way you can still have Fatima, but only if we work quickly. Just between you and me, this Fatima, your chick, she's still -- oh, how shall I put this -- vacuum sealed to preserve freshness?

Fatima? Why of course she is! How dare you besmirch her honor!
Ah!!! I see you understand. I'll take that as a yes and pencil you in for the 25th. A little training and indoctrination for you, and a few well-placed besmirchments down at the UNRWA office where Fatima's parents pick up their checks, and presto, they handle the rest. Next thing you know, you and Fatima are together in eternal, virginal bliss, plus you still get to keep the other 71 virgins -- hey, you earned them! Wise boy. Now before we begin, I just need to ask you a few quick questions. Tell me, do you have any weapons training? Ever infiltrated a checkpoint? Have any basic Hebrew, like "Don't shoot, I've brought the pizza"? Do you sweat a lot in heavy coats on warm days? Any fear of crowds -- Israeli crowds?

Well I'm glad I don't have to vote. That's a tough choice. I guess as an Israeli, I can only hope for a strong showing of the Pat Paulson protest vote.

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