Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Family Feud -- Clash of Civilizations
Host:
Welcome to the Family Feud, Clash of Civilizations Edition. Let's meet our two "families". First up, members of "Western Civilization".
Host:
Playing for the West are former US President Jimmy Carter, US Senator John Kerry, current UN Secretary General Kofi Annan, noted thinker Noam Chomsky, and, Casey Sheehan's mom, Cindy.Carter:
Excuse me, but I object to this quote-unquote 'Western Civilization' labeling. Merely calling us civilized doesn't make us so. Even worse, the term Western is hemispherically divisive -- pitting East against West -- rather than uniting us in brotherhood. On behalf of all so-called "Western Civilization" I demand to be known as "Folks." (polite applause, nodding and smiles)Host:
Ohhhhh-kay then. Name change duly noted. Now let's meet these folks' opponents--Annan:
Please, "co-participants." Even the barest modicum of sensitivity can help nurture dialog.Host:
Right. Give a warm round of applause for their co-participants, "the Islamists!"
Host:
The Islamists, led by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, are: controversial anti-Western figurehead Osama Bin Laden, noted Iraqi dissident Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, newly-elected Palestinian feminist lawmaker... whose identity we unfortunately can't verify without seeing her face... uh, Maam, according to the rules, we have to see your face or disqualify you from--Kerry:
Hold on, let's not start disqualifying people based on appearances. I myself, Senator John Kerry, remember having to wear a mask -- camoflauge too -- on a covert, deep-jungle mission that, to this day, I am not permitted to mention. A memory that remains seared - SEARED - in me. I can't let you repeat the mistake of traumatizing and stigmatizing heroic freedom fighters, just because they had to wear a mask.Host:
Very well then, if you're sure. Playing for Islam... an unknown woman, and finally, Executive Director of the Foundation for Arab-American Leadership, Hussein Ibish--Ibish:
What in the name of Allah's Hangover am I doing on this team? Oh, I get it: racist stereotypes. Ibish is an Arab, so we can dump him with those Islamists even though he's a moderate. Just because of a few meetings at which -- I must stress, regardless of vicious rumors you might have heard -- I did NOT pay attention to any terrorist discussions that might or might not have occured. I demand my rights, sir. I am as Western as you or Jimmy Carter or Fidel Castro, and I expect my team affiliation to reflect that! Especially since there's no hooch in our team's green room.Host:
Well, Hussein, this is most irregular, but we could accomodate you by kicking Cindy Sheehan off the other team to make room for you, if that's what you want.Ibish:
Oh. Hmmmm. Let me think about that a second.
Ibish:
When you put it that way, the teams really might work out better the way they are. I'd much rather keep Cindy right where she is, even if it does mean hanging out with Team Killjoy over here. But let the record show that, as an oppressed Arab, I obje...Host:
Yes, yes of course, Hussein. Now, can we please start the first round? Let's have our first two challengers up at the board. President Carter? President Ahmadinejad?
Host:
Good. Now, we surveyed a hundred people, top three answers on the board: Name something you cross. (BZZZZT) Yes. President Carter, something you cross.Carter:
On behalf of my good Muslim friend Mr. Ahmadinejad, I object to this outrageous, religiously biased question. I humbly demand another question without such inflammatory non-Muslim symbolism.Host:
Well, this is most unusual, but you are a former US President, so next question. Top three answers on the board, name something you find at a party. (BZZZZT) Yes, President Carter.Jimmy:
A Nobel Prize and a million dollar check.Host:
Ok. Good answer, good answer. "A prize and a CHECK." Survey SAID...
Host:
Tough luck there. Ok, President Ahmadinejad, name anything you find at a party and you'll control the round.Ahmadinejad:
Hostages.Host:
Hostages?Ahmadinejad:
Yes, well, I haven't partied much -- not since the embassy -- but parties need something to celebrate, right?Host:
Um. ok. Show me "hostages!" Survey SAID...Host:
Wow, this is rare. A double bogie. By rule, since you both achieved an identical score -- zero -- the first player who buzzed first controls the round. That means you, President Carter. Play or pass?Carter:
We yield to our good friends, the Islamists, in the hopes of building between us--Host:
Right, right, ok. Top three answers, still on the board. Moving to you now, Team Islam. Osama, you look a little tired, slumped over like that, are you all right?Zarqawi:
He is not tired, he is just... just thinking. Meditating on the rapidly approaching age of world peace, when the Caliphate will permit no more strife against Islam.Host:
Okey doke, that's beautiful. But maybe he could just start with a stronger cologne instead. Whew, smells like last month's steak tartar. But whatever works for you, I guess. Osama. Something you find at a party.Osama:
Host:
Osama, your answer please.Osama:
Host:
Oh, I'm sorry your time is up. That's your team's first strike, but no worries. Mr. Zarqawi then, something you find at a party.Zarqawi:
(strokes beard) Oh do I remember those days, the parties we had, let me see now... I would have to say... automatic weapons.Host:
Automatic weapons? Ok, automatic weapons it is then, our survey SAID...
Host:
Oh, your second strike, that is a shame, but--Chomsky:
Excuse me, I'd like to clarify that this show is culturally biased to an unprecedented degree. Language is a process of free creation; its laws and principles are fixed, but the manner in which the principles of generation are used is free and infinitely varied. Even the interpretation and use of words involves a process of free creation. I believe that Mr. AL-Zarqawi was, in his own noble way, attempting to forge a common linguistic paradigm by which to communicate to you the concept of a noisemaker, and it is only the pre-existing biases of your bigoted, predominantly Western viewers and participants--Host:
Fine! Whatever. So let's hear it for noise makers instead then. Our survey said.(DING -- 4 points)
Host:
Congratulations Abu, well played. Now, you, lady in the bag, please give me something one finds at a party.Lady:
Flags and kerosene!Host:
Very good. Good answer. A flag-burning party -- our survey SAID...Host:
Ohhhhh! Pity. Well, it's in your hands now Hussein, one more strike and the other folks will have a chance to steal. Something you would find at a party...Ibish:
That's easy. I spent like 15 years of my life at parties. Ok, that would be Jack Daniels and naked chicks in a hot tub.Zarqawi:
[muttering] What is this fat, infidel buffon doing on our team?Ibish:
Hey, Mr. Holier-Than-Me, Mr. I-Blow-Up-My-Own-People, it's not like you're exactly advancing the cause. You should be grateful you've got me -- yes me, the token moderate. If you actually want to win, then shut your prayer hole, listen and learn.Host:
Ok [as Zarqawi grumbles] show me "Jack Daniels and naked chicks!"
Ibish:
That's not possible. I thought you surveyed Godless Western infidels, the kind I've partied with for years, did you not? Oh, I'm so tired of these conspiracies holding me back.Host:
Chins up, Hussein, but that opens the door for our other team. Go ahead Folks, talk amongst yourselves, I need something you would find at a party.... ok?.... Ready? Your answer please.Kerry:
I've got this one. A light chabliss and cavier! With those little crackers.Host:
Give it to him.Host:
Oh, I'm so sorry Senator, no chabliss and cavier--Kerry:
That's not what I said.Host:
Yes it is. We have it on tape.Kerry:
Well I said it, but then I didn't say it, not in so many words, or at least I didn't mean it. I meant, um, Rap and Hip Hop music -- love that stuff.Kerry:
Games of "Pin the Sail on the Schooner?"Host:
Senator Kerry, that's enough, get a grip. Our first round and all FOUR points go to team Islam. Let's go on now to our second round -- where all values are doubled -- to see who will move on to our lucrative "Fast Money Round." Can I have our next two face-off contestants? Senator Kerry, Osama Bin Laden, come on up here. Kerry:
John Kerry, reporting for duty!
Host:
I'm sorry, Osama, you have to be here alone, there is no assistance for the face off.Kerry:
It's ok, we have no objection to bending the rules a little bit to help our noble third world brothers, whom we've terrorized in a manner reminiscent of Genghis Kh---Host:
Ok, Ok, fine! They can stay! Can we PLEASE for the love of God--Kerry:
Also know as Allah--Host:
Right! Now please, let's move on. Top four answers on the board, name something children do when they're at school. [buzz] Mr. Zarqawi, the rules are that Osama has to hit the buzzer himself!Kerry:
Please, let's not gratuitously antagonize our friends, it's ok.Host:
All right, Osama, give us something children do in school.Osama:
Host:
Senator Kerry, give me anything children do at school and the round is in your control.Kerry:
Organize student protests to publically establish a track record of civic service.Host:
Of course. Survey SAID...Host:
Ok, Osama, same rule as last time, only now the tie-breaker is in your favor. Do you guys want to play the round?Osama:
Host:
Osama? ... Ok, well, apparently team Islam is passing to you folks, Senator Kerry. So let's move along. Secretary General Annan, kindly name something children do at school.Annan:
Oh, well, there are so many things they do, it seems unfair to exclude any one answer at the expense of the others. Perhaps we could make this an essay question instead?Host:
I'm sorry Mr. Annan, but I need your answer.Annan:
Well then, I would have to say my answer is -- although it's a non-binding answer and not reflective of the security council or it's members without prior discussion -- but in light of ...Host:
Ok, it's all right, it's only your first strike. Noam Chomsky. It's your turn. Distinguished thinker that you are, please enlighten us with one, single, simple thing that children do when they are at school.Chomsky:
As I'm sure I've said many times, education must provide the opportunities for self-fulfillment; it can at best provide a rich and challenging environment for the individual to explore, in his own way.Host:
Soooo, your answer is?Chomsky:
The only justification for repressive institutions is material and cultural deficit. But such institutions, at certain stages of history, perpetuate and produce such a deficit, and even threaten human survival. Host:
Great, so we'll go with...uh, "threaten Human survival". Our survey SAID...Host:
Thought for sure you had that one. Well then, Ms. Sheehan, it all comes down to you, or your team risks losing control of the round and the game. Something children do in school. Sheehan:
Well, I think I know a thing or two about school, after all I sent my first-born, Casey to school, before he was murdered -- not by anyone here mind you. Now I just sit and think about my dead son, and try to cry. But I'm finished crying for Casey. I'm crying for all the other mothers. I'm crying for all the lies-- Host:
So, we'll go with "crying", our survey SAID...(DING -- 3 points)
Host:
Three people, which doubled gives six points, possibly enough to beat Islam's four points, if you can control the round. Former President Carter---Kerry:
Couldn't we just combine the two sets of points so we had ten together? Wouldn't that be a more nuanced world?Host:
No Senator Kerry, we can't. We need a winner and a loser here, that's how it goes. So President Carter if you will, something children do in school?Carter:
Host:
President Carter?Kerry:
I'm sorry, but President Carter and I are observing five minutes of silence to protest stolen elections worldwide, and especially here at home.Host:
You're not very silent.Kerry:
I'm silent, and then I'm not silent, and then I'm silent again. Don't be so inflexible.Host:
President Carter? No answer. Ok, then, sorry to have to do this, but...Host:
Well, folks, this throws the round back to the Islamists. If they can name one thing, anything, that children do at school, then they will win the game. Of course, if they can't, then you folks win. Team Islam, you have a minute to discuss, and then I need your answer please. Something children do in school. Zarqawi:
Explosives training!Ahmadinejad:
Nuclear research!Lady:
How to crawl under barbed wire without getting mud in the rifle barrel!Osama:
Ibish:
Friends, friends. He said CHILDREN. Clearly you misunderstoon the question. There are no schools teaching explosives training or any of these other things. We need something CHILDREN do. Stand aside, let me answer this. I know American schools, oh do I know American schools. I'll win this for us.Host:
Very well then, Hussein, something children do in school?Ibish:
Taunt the fat kid. Just because he's Arab.Host:
All right. If that's up there, then Team Islam Akbar, if not, the folks win. Show me "Taunt the fat kid because he's Arab?"Host:
Well it looks like the Western-ish folks have won our "Clash of Civilizations" today, pulling ahead at the end by a score of 6 to 4.Kerry:
Uh, not so fast. Professor Chomsky was totally correct about the cultural bias in this contest, and we insist that a 10% bonus be applied to our co-participants' score.Host:
Fine, you still win.Kerry:
No, I meant double it. It isn't right that we have plundered their civilization, terrorizing their women and children, and then thrash them in this imperialist display of chutzpah.Host:
Ok, ok, you lose, are you happy now Senator Kerry?Kerry:
Yes, thank you. The Fast Money round should be exciting to watch.Host:
No, I'm sorry, I'm hearing from our producers that certain phone calls have been received, and we'll be evacuating the building now. Team Islam, we have to skip the Fast Money round, but I've been instructed to award the full prize immediately in unmarked bills and escort you to a waiting helicopter. I'm also informed we have consolation prizes for the losing team. For Ms. Sheehan, this fabulous new burqa. For the rest of you, a year's supply of Halal Turtle Wax. That's all we have time for this week. Until next time...Technorati Tags: satire, family feud, clash of civilizations, abbagav thinks he is paid by the word
