Thursday, March 23, 2006

New Hamas Govt Employee Benefits Form 

To all new government employees:

Regardless of what you may be hearing in the Zionist controlled media, your new Hamas government is most assuredly not broke yet. Since we don't want any strikes this month, we will be continuing all the benefits and insurance plans you've grown to love and demand, for now. This is all very standard, nothing to worry about. Just fill out the forms below and submit them to your supervisor or Imam. Be sure to tell the complete truth, or there will be consequences.

Thank you.

Section 1: General Information


Jihad Name                           

(Hamas/Islamic Jihad/DFLP/Al Qaeda/Al Aqsa/UN

Address When Hiding                           

UNRWA ID #                           

Next of Kin                           

Next of Kin's Next of Kin                           

Daytime Phone*                           
*NOTE: do NOT provide your detonator cell phone here.

Section 2: Family Information

We need a little information about your family in order to calculate dental plan payments.

Wife's Name*                           
*NOTE: if female submit form 8b signed by husband instead.
Second Wife's Name                           

Third Wife's Name                           

Fourth Wife's Name                           
*if you remember it.
Fifth Wife's Name                           
*just kidding, only good Muslims work here.
Approximate # Children*                           
*NOTE: Under 18 and present or future martyrs only.

Section 3: Your Health and History

Your benefits include various life and health insurances. Our insurance underwriter requires certain information to calculate premiums and permitted coverage based on certain absurd definitions of risk. What can we do?

Overall Health                           

Tobacco Use                           

Any Israeli Friends                           

Enjoy Celebratory Gunfire*                           
*NOTE: Only of concern if performed straight up.
Number of Fingers                           

Work Accident Claims                          

Shot Martyr's Video Yet                           

Name of Imam or Mosque                           

Most Recent Cellmate                           

Color Blind?                           
*NOTE: for munitions teams only -- red wire, green wire stuff.

Section 4: Extra Benefits

Check off the extra benefits you're interested in, and provide required information for those options

     Retirement withholding?

Amount Withheld Monthly                          

Explanation of why you expect to live long enough to retire:


If so, check the types of operations you expect to execute with the car so we can steal the appropriate size and model:

        grocery shopping
        weapons smuggling
        drive-by shootings
        transporting martyrs
        own martyrdom operations
        remote bombings
        pedestrian rundowns

If you really, really liked this -- or even really, really hated it -- there's lots more: