Thursday, March 23, 2006
New Hamas Govt Employee Benefits Form
To all new government employees:
Regardless of what you may be hearing in the Zionist controlled media, your new Hamas government is most assuredly not broke yet. Since we don't want any strikes this month, we will be continuing all the benefits and insurance plans you've grown to love and demand, for now. This is all very standard, nothing to worry about. Just fill out the forms below and submit them to your supervisor or Imam. Be sure to tell the complete truth, or there will be consequences.
Thank you.
Section 1: General Information
Name
Jihad Name
Affiliation
(Hamas/Islamic Jihad/DFLP/Al Qaeda/Al Aqsa/UN
Address
Address When Hiding
UNRWA ID #
Next of Kin
Next of Kin's Next of Kin
Daytime Phone*
*NOTE: do NOT provide your detonator cell phone here.
Section 2: Family Information
We need a little information about your family in order to calculate dental plan payments.
Wife's Name*
*NOTE: if female submit form 8b signed by husband instead.
Second Wife's Name
Third Wife's Name
Fourth Wife's Name
*if you remember it.
Fifth Wife's Name
*just kidding, only good Muslims work here.
Approximate # Children*
*NOTE: Under 18 and present or future martyrs only.
Section 3: Your Health and History
Your benefits include various life and health insurances. Our insurance underwriter requires certain information to calculate premiums and permitted coverage based on certain absurd definitions of risk. What can we do?
Overall Health
Tobacco Use
Any Israeli Friends
Enjoy Celebratory Gunfire*
*NOTE: Only of concern if performed straight up.
Number of Fingers
Work Accident Claims
Shot Martyr's Video Yet
Name of Imam or Mosque
Most Recent Cellmate
Color Blind?
*NOTE: for munitions teams only -- red wire, green wire stuff.
Section 4: Extra Benefits
Check off the extra benefits you're interested in, and provide required information for those options
Retirement withholding?
Amount Withheld Monthly
Explanation of why you expect to live long enough to retire:
Car?
If so, check the types of operations you expect to execute with the car so we can steal the appropriate size and model:
grocery shopping
weapons smuggling
drive-by shootings
transporting martyrs
carpool
own martyrdom operations
remote bombings
pedestrian rundowns
If you really, really liked this -- or even really, really hated it -- there's lots more:
Regardless of what you may be hearing in the Zionist controlled media, your new Hamas government is most assuredly not broke yet. Since we don't want any strikes this month, we will be continuing all the benefits and insurance plans you've grown to love and demand, for now. This is all very standard, nothing to worry about. Just fill out the forms below and submit them to your supervisor or Imam. Be sure to tell the complete truth, or there will be consequences.
Thank you.
Section 1: General Information
Name
Jihad Name
Affiliation
(Hamas/Islamic Jihad/DFLP/Al Qaeda/Al Aqsa/UN
Address
Address When Hiding
UNRWA ID #
Next of Kin
Next of Kin's Next of Kin
Daytime Phone*
*NOTE: do NOT provide your detonator cell phone here.
Section 2: Family Information
We need a little information about your family in order to calculate dental plan payments.
Wife's Name*
*NOTE: if female submit form 8b signed by husband instead.
Second Wife's Name
Third Wife's Name
Fourth Wife's Name
*if you remember it.
Fifth Wife's Name
*just kidding, only good Muslims work here.
Approximate # Children*
*NOTE: Under 18 and present or future martyrs only.
Section 3: Your Health and History
Your benefits include various life and health insurances. Our insurance underwriter requires certain information to calculate premiums and permitted coverage based on certain absurd definitions of risk. What can we do?
Overall Health
Tobacco Use
Any Israeli Friends
Enjoy Celebratory Gunfire*
*NOTE: Only of concern if performed straight up.
Number of Fingers
Work Accident Claims
Shot Martyr's Video Yet
Name of Imam or Mosque
Most Recent Cellmate
Color Blind?
*NOTE: for munitions teams only -- red wire, green wire stuff.
Section 4: Extra Benefits
Check off the extra benefits you're interested in, and provide required information for those options
Retirement withholding?
Amount Withheld Monthly
Explanation of why you expect to live long enough to retire:
Car?
If so, check the types of operations you expect to execute with the car so we can steal the appropriate size and model:
grocery shopping
weapons smuggling
drive-by shootings
transporting martyrs
carpool
own martyrdom operations
remote bombings
pedestrian rundowns
