Wednesday, April 05, 2006

My Plan for World Peace -- and Just Maybe a Nobel for Myself 

Sure, taking a look around at the world today can be a little disheartening.

There is an awful lot of conflict, most of it centered around the so-called Clash of Civilizations. Islam seems to be in conflict with the West in so many places. The chances that differences between the two sides can just be negotiated away appear pretty slim, given that radical Muslims' minimum goals are essentially Islamic world sovereignty in the form of a restored and expanded Caliphate. While Jimmy Carter might be able to find a little wiggle room to compromise with such goals, mere mortals will have a pretty difficult time.

So what's to do? Let the whole jihad just slowly simmer, steadily getting hotter until open warfare finally breaks out after the first terrorist nuke or bio-attack? A tempting choice, I know. But before we go down that route, please take a second to consider another path.

How is it possible the world's finest diplomatic minds can so clearly see that putting Hamas in charge of garbage collection will moderate its radical aims, and yet no one seems to realize the global applicability of this great principle? It's as if Gandhi had discovered non-violent civil disobedience and then people still went on fighting with each other anyway. Or something like that.

We need to find some garbage to put Al Qaeda and fellow would-be Caliphs in charge of collecting. Metaphorical garbage perhaps, but garbage nonetheless. It's the only way to moderate them, to give them responsibilities and an incentive to reform -- a piece of the action if you will.

So here is my concrete proposal. Before the end of the year, all national governments -- led by the US of course -- will submit official, written documents of surrender in which full global sovereignty -- and all the annoying responsibility that goes with it -- is transferred to Al Qaeda or the nearest Islamic Caliphate.

Just like Hamas, I predict Al Qaeda will be finished as a terrorist organization within months. They'll be wearing ties, kissing babies for photo ops and arguing about Parliamentary procedure and Roberts Rules of Order. And collecting our garbage.

Can you imagine Zarqawi having to sit through Zoning Ordinance committee meetings to decide on the minimum distance permitted between neighboring Pakistani 7-11's? Could Zawahiri maintain his 'Death To The Jews And Everyone Who Won't Help Me Kill Them' attitude when he has to spend his evenings chairing school board meetings to approve 3rd grade penmanship workbooks?

I think not. Look at Hamas. Consider the nascent peaceful yearnings of noted extremist and Foreign Minister Mahmoud "the Wart" al-Zahar:

I hope that our dream to have our independent state on all historic Palestine (including Israel) will become real one day. I'm certain of this because there is no place for the state of Israel on this land.
Do you see the moderating effect putting him in power has had? He openly declares his opposition not just to Israel's presence in the West Bank, but considers the Jewish State's very existence to be a crime of Occupation. But did he kill anyone today? All that time he spends talking with the press and jaw-jawing with the muckity mucks is time not spent dispatching suicide bombers -- and that's a GOOD thing.

Some of you may be a trifle concerned about the implications of surrendering, of setting up this moderating Caliphate and whether living under world-wide imposition of Sharia (Islamic Law) would be a real downer. Obviously, I don't need to convince those of you who are already marching in demonstrations supporting just this kind of response. But let me reassure the rest of you that there is nothing -- or practically nothing -- to worry about.

First of all, it should only be for a little while, until the moderation part kicks in. And as I demonstrated with the Hamas example, that will be very quick.

Secondly, even during that brief period before the achievement of their coveted Caliphragilistic goals rips the radical Islamist organizations apart at the seams, things won't really be that bad. For all you guys out there, consider this: you'll get to marry extra wives, plus -- if the hits from Saudi Arabia showing up in my blog's StatCounter are any indication -- you'll still be allowed to surf the web for porn. And for the ladies out there, well... uh... patience is a virtue, and your brief sacrifice will be well worth it in the end. Oh! Right, I forgot. Females get a chaffeur to drive them around. How about that?

Consider also the collateral improvements to society if a Caliphate were to govern, however briefly. For instance, no more celebrity shoplifting: do you really think Winona Ryder would continue her kleptomania if she knew she'd have to spring for a hand double in any future movie roles?

I hear your other concern. What happens to the Caliphate after it has served its purpose? Will it stick around, still demanding Jizya taxes long after Bin Laden's grandchildren are competing on American Idol and running for Alderman? I wouldn't worry about the Caliphate. Sure, it will probably stick around forevermore, but we've already got the UN -- how much worse could the hollowed out husk of a global Caliphate be? (That's a rhetorical question.)

But ignore all these concerns and potential dangers. Focus instead on the huge tactical upside. If radical Islam rejects our offer of an immediate, no-strings-attached fully sovereign Caliphate, then the glorious ambitions they promise their supporters are exposed as a sham, little more than a cover story, an impossible dream they sell their people to keep them docile and hopeful even under the sway of tyranny. And if they accept our surrender and the Caliphate that goes with it, they're finished. Just like Hamas. Either way, we win. (* see update note below)

So think about it, which would you rather do? Worry your heads off as your freedom to draw any cartoon you want slowly erodes until you are finally forced to fight a costly, bloody, eternal war? Or peacefully cede full world sovereignty to an Islamic Caliphate and watch the whole deck of Jihad playing cards come crashing down under the weight of a little civic responsibility?

I thought so.

And please, if you have any contacts with the Prize committees in Sweden, let them know that I'm much too busy raising my kids to show up for the award, and that they should just FedEx the trophy and put my money in a nice PayPal account I can use to handle my Jizya taxes online -- so much more convenient that way.


* As this excellent piece explains, there is a good chance Islam's super-caliphragilistic ambitions are far more than a tool for subduing the masses under the yoke of tyranny, which is why it is all the more important we convince them to accept the immediate offer of a Caliphate to moderate them.

Linked with thanks to: Third World County,Basil's Blog and Stuck on Stupid

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