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Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Blog Linktacular 

Boker tov, Boulder has come across an almost impossible-to-solve riddle:

What if a group of families from Kenya moved to the Gaza Strip and started an agricultural settlement. Would Kofi Anan say that they have to leave because they are not Arab, or could they stay because they are not Jews?
World Girl Rants is mostly back after a bit of a hiatus, and has some very informative work definitions to share with us:

The Penske File
Definition: A notebook or file folder you carry around to make it look like you are on the way to a meeting, when really you are going to your friend's office to hang out.
Go take a look, maybe share some of your own. And be sure to encourage her not to do the hiatus-thing again.

Then there is this one via The House of Wheels as summarized by Jawa Report:

Short version: Liberal TV producer asks soldiers to stand behind General. Liberal TV host asks General if situation isn't safe given that General needs soldiers standing behind him to protect him. General gets pissed.
House of Wheels points out how this is just another example of stage-managed pseudo-news.

Scott explains a little bit of how juggling affects him and why he so looks forward to juggling conventions:

Also, I got really sore in a few weird places. I'm used to the fact that the bottoms of my feet always ache since I'm not used to being on my feet all day. The unusual pain I had this year was under my arms from all the rubbing as I juggled. Another annoying thing was that the skin on my fingertips got dry and cracked from moving through the air so much. And the cracks bled a lot when bumped by clubs. Oh, the bumps! I got lots of bangs with my new heavy one-piece clubs: on my fingers and bones in my hand, on the head and face, and on the toes. Ouch!
I'm almost tempted to start juggling seriously myself. Almost.

Israellycool is running a caption contest on a picture that looks like it could be a poster for the Sexual Harrassment Prevention Institute.

Trouble finding your keys? Apparently Daled Amos knows the trick to solving that problem, but as a public service he's not sharing the details of exactly how it works.

Regina Clare Jane has a post that will make you want to call your mother. I know I wish I could.

Soccer Dad follows the Saudi money trail all the way to the Palestinians and surprisingly, with a little help from the Elder, discovers the trail isn't so big as they'd have you believe. The bad news is there are other, bigger money trails.

3500 content-rich posts in 2 years! That can only be the bloggiversary of one unique Random Thinker.

Meryl Yourish has the story of eight ancient "new" species recently discovered in million-year-old caves not far from the town where I live. I was going to post on this, but Meryl covered it so well I can't bring myself to say anything except: read her version.

Ezzy described his sleep-deprivation habits and I flashed back to my younger college days. If only I'd had a blog back then, when I was able to survive on three hours a night. Instead, I just sat around with my friends eating 3am pizza, not doing homework and not studying for finals. Those were the days.

Crossing the Rubicon2 has the scoop, with a hat tip to the nation of Syria, on Israel's discovery of a time machine, just so we can embroil the world in more and bigger wars!

Wild Thing blogs about the back alley interview with a big wig Hamas enforcer who happens to be the official security chief of their new terrorist government. I was inspired to contribute just a little bit to the photo accompanying her post:


Isaac Schrodinger quotes part of an immensely sensible interview and adds his own usual good sense to boot.

Ok, that's all for tonight. Go make your Shavuot cheesecake.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Haveil Havalim #71 is STILL up! 

Just in case you missed the announcements when Haveil Havalim #71 was first posted, I thought I'd direct your attention to West Bank Mama's truly inspirational summary of the Jewish Blogging World's finest for the week just passed.

Next week's host is Jack so get those entries in the mail now. That man thrives on volume, and it only makes him stronger.

The Extrajudicial Killings The UN Does't Protest 

All the UN protests of extra-judicial killings somehow failed to make me fail any great sympathy for terrorists neutralized with incomplete paperwork. It seems the only ones who can really muster my sympathy for Palestinian victims of extra-judicial killings is great mobs of other Palestinians. Via the Jerusalem Post:

Masked Al Aqsa Martyrs' Brigades gunmen on Tuesday publicly executed a Palestinian man and woman they suspected of having spied for Israel.

The man was shot dead in the main street of a refugee camp, with a large crowd looking on. The woman was later shot to death by her relatives in the courtyard of the West Bank's largest hospital.
Nothing worth protesting here I'm sure, unless Israeli bullets manufactured in the territories were used. I would express sympathy to the families, except they appear to be the ones who did much of the killing -- but certainly the young woman's four children have my condolences and anger on their behalf.

Abu Mustafa, a mother of four, was shot by gunmen and male relatives on grounds that she shamed her clan. More than 15 people took part in the execution, witnesses said. It took place in the courtyard of Raffidiyeh Hospital, the West Bank's largest.

The mob originally planned to kill her in the street but were swayed by a man who pleaded with them not to carry out the killing in the view of little children could. She was then taken into the courtyard of the hospital, said Yousef Mahmoud, 18, who witnessed the killing.
Such compassion is making me sick.

So much needs to change around here before there can be peace, and I'm not talking about the route of the security fence.

Waiting for the Funeral Coverage 

Four terrorists were killed near the border in Gaza. Haaretz has both the story and a very telling picture:

Gazans removing the body of a member of a Qassam crew killed early Tuesday by IDF troops as he prepared to fire a rocket into Israel. (AP)
I'll be watching the newswire for headlines of the funeral coverage story. When those stories come, please keep the picture above in the back of your mind, so you'll remember exactly what those "Gazans" were attempting to do when they were so rudely interrupted.

It wouldn't shock me at all later today to see headlines like "Israelis kill four in Gaza" or "Gazans mourn four killed in Israeli strike" -- and yes, I'm perfectly aware that I've reached a point of terminal cynicism. I now have more cynicism coursing through my veins than the combined total of all the lab rats that have ever died in cycnicism toxicity studies.

Yet I continue to blog. Science has no answer.

UPDATE: The Elder of Ziyon brings us the expected context-free coverage of the grieving relatives of the deceased would-be rocket launchers, and much more as well -- definitely worth your time.

Oprah's Jenin Week -- Epilogue: Exposed 

Oprah:
You all may have been taken in recently by a blog that appeared to be offering episodes of my show online, and maybe you didn't realize the whole thing was just one gigantic fraud. Well that blogger, AbbaGav, is here in the studio with me and I have to say, AbbaGav, it is difficult for me to talk to you because I feel really duped.



Oprah:
Now, as I sit here today I don't know what is true and I don't know what isn't. So first of all, I wanted to start with your "Oprah's Jenin Week" series my lawyers have been telling me so much about. They are saying you invented an entire week's worth of FAKE Oprah shows and put them out on your blog looking as if they might really have happened, and I want to know -- were they right? You did that?

AbbaGav:
Well, yeah. I did put up a week's worth of posts pretending you were broadcasting from Jenin. But it was parody. Everyone knew it wasn't really you.

Oprah:
Uh huh. Parody. Everybody knew -- which explains the worried calls from Steadman wanting to know if I was ok. Correct me here, AbbaGav, if I'm mistaken, but isn't parody actually supposed to be funny?

AbbaGav:
Sure, that is one kind, if you want to take the easy way out. I specialize in the other kind. I do parody with a purpose, even at the risk of being excruciatingly not funny. I maintain some very important core principles on my blog -- which, by the way, can be reached on the web at abbagav dot blogspot dot com...that's A-B-B-A-G-A-V. For instance, I'm trying to highlight some of the problems in this region, and what better spotlight to shine in a dark corner than the always-illuminating Oprah show?

Oprah:
Oh, I hope you didn't lose too much sleep thinking that one up. That line has got to be one of the most pathetic jobs of butt kissing I've experienced in quite some time, and believe me, this butt has seen more than most. From where I'm sitting, I don't see principles; I just see a crass, attention-craving web-traffic junkie trying to drum up readership by using and abusing the Oprah brand. But more importantly even than that, I feel that you betrayed the millions who visited you and read those blog entries -- millions of my fans. I think it's such a gift to have millions of people to read your work and that bothers me greatly.

AbbaGav:
Well, I only WISH I'd betrayed millions of your fans.

Oprah:
Well you're not alone there, let me assure you.

AbbaGav:
But in fact, I'd have to say my traffic actually even dipped a bit while I was running my -- admittedly untrue -- Oprah series.

Oprah:
Still, if not millions, you offended hundreds of thousands of my loyal viewers -- people who PUT THEIR TRUST in the truth of your writing and the wisdom of your words.

AbbaGav:
Er, not exactly.

Oprah:
Tens of thousands then.

AbbaGav:
Oprah, if lampooning you had brought a mere thousand of your viewers to my blog I'd have been an Oprah fan for at least a month or two out of gratitude, and might even have purchased one of your books.

Oprah:
But we're still talking several hundred, right? Where Oprah goes, or is just perceived to go, her viewers follow.

AbbaGav:
I don't mean to hurt your Q-rating Oprah, but your neon name mustered no more than my blog's usual 150 or so readers a day, and half of them were searching for -- and not finding -- various forms of middle eastern porn.

Oprah:
Ok, so you betrayed the trust of seventy five people each and every day that series ran. How does that make you feel?

AbbaGav:
Pretty disappointed actually. Kind of second guessing myself, wondering if I could have done anything different to sell the thing a little better.

Oprah:
That doesn't sound like remorse to me.



Oprah:
Ok, let's get past this petty squabble over this or that number of readers or viewers. I just don't think my millions of loyal fans want to roll around in that kind of muck with you and your tiny audience. But do you know what else gets me about what you did to me here? You set me up as the bad guy in your little territorial tantrum with your neighbors, or at least painted me as the naive dupe who's too dumb to know when she's being used.

AbbaGav:
Believe me, I tried to go easy on you. I don't have a big grudge against you or anything. Compared to what I did to Britney or Paris I think you got off easy. But that's parody. That's the whole idea of it.

Oprah:
No, the lie of it. That's a lie. It's not an idea, AbbaGav. That's a lie. You don't even know me. Admittedly, you've scarcely even watched my show except a few times just to cherry pick a mannerism or two to make fun of.

AbbaGav:
Perhaps. But if you're not being naively used, then you might want to clean up your "Oprah" website which, as we speak, still says**: "In the Middle East, Palestinians and Israelis have been fighting over the same holy land for decades. Israel has occupied Palestinian lands since the independent struggle of Israel in 1947 and 1948 -- both nations have been fighting over rights to the territory ever since." I'm sure it's just an oversight you'll correct right away, since you wouldn't want to naively appear to endorse, even accidentally, the view that Israel has been an occupier since 1948 and has no right to exist even inside its original, UN-approved borders.



Oprah:
Well, of course I'm not the adminstrator of the web site, but fair enough. Then there is the last point I wanted to clear up with you. I've worked SO hard for decades to build up brand name awareness around the novel concept of selling a universe of content to a global audience using a single, vowel-initiated name for easy recognition. Do you have ANY idea how much it hurts to have you Yanni-come-latelys just waltz right in here and set up your fly-by-night blogs with, yes, single vowel-initiated names for easy recognition? There's you, Instapundit, Iowahawk, Israellycool, IMAO (however you pronounce that one). But does a single one of you give a shout-out to old Oprah over here, who paved the way for your easy success?

AbbaGav:
I guess I could add a space between Abba and Gav if that would make you feel any better. And by the way, your readers can also find me just by googling for AbbaGav, in case they don't remember the whole blogspot thing. They could even do that right now, if they're worried about forgetting it before the show is over.

Oprah:
Ok, I appreciate you and your principles being here because I believe the truth can set you free. I realize this has been a difficult time for you … maybe this is the beginning of another kind of truth for you.

AbbaGav:
I think you're absolutely right. I mean, I think this is obvious, this hasn't been a great day for me. It certainly hasn't been a high traffic week for me. But I think I come out of it better. I mean -- aside from being able to brag about having been on your show and use it as an implicit endorsement of my work -- I feel like I came here and I have been honest with you. I have, you know, essentially admitted to…to lying for my craft.

Oprah:
Which is not an easy thing to do.

AbbaGav:
No, it's not an easy thing to do in front of an audience full of people and a lot of others watching on TV. I mean, if I come out of this experience with anything other than a brief blip of Oprah searches on my statcounter, it's being a better person and learning from my mistakes and making sure that I don't repeat them unless I'm certain the traffic -- at abbagav dot blogspot dot com -- will be worth it.

Oprah:
Good. Ok, next up, our series on Celebrity Pet Makeovers. Don't miss it.

==========================

** If the link doesn't work, try this one and then click the "how can we learn from it" link found there.

Oprah's Jenin Week (best read in order)
Day 1: Mothers
Day 2: Poet
Day 3: Go Girl
Day 4: Snitch
Day 5: Massacre
Epilogue: Exposed

Linked with thanks to Pirates! Man Your Women, Point Five, Third World County and Stop the ACLU.

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Monday, May 29, 2006

Organizational Updates You Might Have Missed 

The head of the political wing of the Palestine Liberation Organisation Farouk Kaddoumi (L) and Malaysia's Foreign Minister Syed Hamid Albar arrive for the Ministerial Meeting of the Non-Aligned Movement (NAM) Committee of Palestine and NAM Caucus in the Security Council during the Ministerial Meeting of the Coordinating Bureau of the NAM in Putrajaya outside Kuala Lumpur May 28, 2006. REUTERS/Bazuki Muhammad
One glance at this picture and it was obvious to me something big is afoot amongst the international movements most supportive of the Palestinian causes, including the Non-Aligned Movement. How else to explain the use of a celebrity body double for PLO "political head" Farouk Kaddoumi? The man pictured is clearly not Farouk Kaddoumi but either Rupert Murdoch:


Or Jerry Falwell:


This clearly means something huge is underway. But what could it be?

So I did a little investigating and uncovered the following little known organizational updates from around the pro-Palestinian world:

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Green Leaf Brigades 

Palestinian gunmen from the Abu Rish Brigades, a group linked to Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas' Fatah Movement, take part in a rally in Gaza City, Saturday, May 27, 2006. The gunmen were protesting against the deployment of a Hamas-backed force in the streets of Gaza which they claim is illegal and is a cause for factional fighting. (AP Photo/Hatem Moussa)
What AP fails to report is any indication of what I believe Abu Rish means in English -- The Green Leaf Brigades. Decked out in colorful attire, masks brightly festooned with their 5 pointed green emblems, the Green Leaf Brigades held the most festive and copacetic rally seen in the Strip in many years. The sweetly scented air was filled with chants and slogans as the Fatah-affiliated group promoted its agenda:
Attempts to question the group's leaders on the exact nature of their goals were unsuccesful, as no Green Leaf representatives showed up to the post-rally press conference.

Latest Palestinian Internal Security Weapon 

On Sunday security forces loyal to Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas demonstrated the latest super-secret weapon they are deploying in their onging battle with Hamas militants to determine which faction has the right to embezzle generous European relief funds:

Palestinian security forces under the control of Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas, one holding a portrait of the late Yasser Arafat, are seen reflected on a car window as they march in the West Bank city of Tulkarem Sunday May 28, 2006. Abbas plans to expand his private security forces, which until now was only responsible for protecting him, to 10,000 men, the Israeli daily Haaretz reported Sunday.(AP Photo/Nasser Ishtayeh)
Careful scientific studies have proven that the mere grizzled visage of late Terrorist-in-Chief Yasser Arafat has the power to kill at 45 meters and even intervening walls or armor scarcely blunt its nauseating power. The studies have been leveraged to create the latest Palestinian superweapon, the al-Arafat, a portable portrait which can be carried into skirmishes or placed at sensitive locations to establish zones of security. It is expected that Hamas militants will respond with modular barf-bag attachments for their scary masks and are expected to march on an empty stomach in upcoming shows of force.

In related media-watch news, several Reuters photographers were severely stricken and rushed to Israeli trauma wards choking on their own vomit after unsuccessful attempts to photograph the new al-Arafat weapon. Apparently only AP received the memo warning never to film the al-Arafat directly, rather only in reflection.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Oprah's Jenin Week -- Day 5: Massacre 

Oprah:
We're back. It's our fifth and final day here in Jenin, and we're taking a little stroll with a Palestinian spokesman to learn a little more about the massacre that is alleged to have occured here. I must say though, from here, Jenin actually looks pretty nice.



Spokesman:
First of all, Oprah, you have to realize that this horrible, horrible massacre was several years ago. Also, the Israelis failed in their attempt to decimate every last corner of Jenin, and we are standing in one of the places that our brave fighters managed to protect from Israeli attrocities.

Oprah:
Very well. Can you give some idea of the scope of the destruction then? For instance, I read in a Wikipedia article that only 8-9% of the houses were destroyed.

Spokesman:
Only? Only 8-9% of the houses? How would you like it if we came to Beverly Hills and destroyed ONLY 8-9% of YOUR houses?

Oprah:
Aside from the fact that I live on a 42 acre estate in Monecito, not in Beverly Hills, well OF COURSE I wouldn't like it. But I'm not alleging that a massacre of historic proportions took place in which practically everything was demolished in acts amounting to war crimes. And also Beverly Hills is not sending wave after wave of suicide bombers into West Hollywood.

Spokesman:
Oprah, please do not insult us by simply parroting Israeli talking points. The so-called suicide bombers from Jenin were not the terrorists Israel so brazenly claims, but freedom fighters willing to sacrifice their own lives -- whether in pitched street battles or crowded pizzerias -- to free their land from occupation. There was no justification for Israel to enter the Jenin camp at all. They should instead have sat down and negotiated with us the complete and immediate evacuation of all occupied lands.

Oprah:
I guess we'll have to agree to disagree.

[They stroll a bit.]

Oprah:
The number of Palestinian dead in the 2002 Battle of Jenin has been alleged by your leadership to be as high as the hundreds or even thousands. Yet even the UN explicitly states there was no massacre in Jenin with a Palestinian death toll of only 52 of whom most were gunmen and combatants.

Spokesman:
Who do you believe, the UN? Or me, standing right here, as well as the words of leading Palestinians who actually had information?

Oprah:
So you don't believe the UN?

Spokesman:
They are unreliable.

Oprah:
Yet you consider them quite reliable when they put out reports critical of Israel.

Spokesman:
Then they are reliable.

Oprah:
What about Human Rights Watch? Are they reliable?

Spokesman:
What did they say?

Oprah:
They agreed with the UN that there was no massacre.

Spokesman:
They are unreliable.

Oprah:
Ok, I see the game. So just come out with it. Do you personally believe the allegations of an Israeli massacre in Jenin are true?

Spokesman:
Well, they're certainly not not true. In fact, and more importantly, it's these outrageous Zionist allegations that we made these allegations that are the true crime here. These so-called allegations in which Saeb Erekat and Abdel Rahman are alleged to have alleged that 500 Palestinians were killed is in fact a blatant mistatement of their statements. If you read their words carefully, you will notice that the number of alleged dead is alway separated from the identification with Jenin by being in a different sentence, or at least by a comma separating them. Any sane observer would realize this means they left open the possibility that some of those 500 were killed elsewhere or at other times, or perhaps even died of natural causes soon after hearing the news of the ongoing massacre, or what have you. This is all very common, and happens all the time. When they report hurricane deaths, it is not just the people who died from having the wind blow on them, but also those who were crushed by falling trees, or drowned, or had heart attacks, or from eating diseased meat, and so on and so on. So please don't try to claim we alleged some huge lie. We are being unfairly attacked by the Israelis and their vast network of knee-jerk supporters for allegations which we only hinted at and never actually made, all for the purpose of concealing the Zionists' real crime.

Oprah:
Their real crime? Which was?

Spokesman:
The massacre, of course.

Oprah:
Wait, are you alleging the real crime is the massacre or false claims that you allege a massacre?

Spokesman:
Both of course. The Israelis commit many such real crimes every day. Why does this surprise you?

Oprah:
It's just that if you are still alleging there was a massacre, you surely must realize that the Israelis consider the charge little more than yet another modern blood libel.

Spokesman:
Blood libels? I am not here to discuss the Jews' conspiratorial past. What they choose to do on Passover with innocent non-Jewish blood is a separate matter. But in regard to the massacre, all I can say is that everything is relative: apparently one man's obfuscation is another man's blood libel. It really is that simple.

[Oprah and the spokesman come across a small group posing for a photographer near a building with a hole in its wall]

Oprah:
What's this? Why is the photographer posing a little boy right by a damaged wall?

Spokesman:
He's an AFP photographer. just doing a little... a little extra photography of local children. It's traditional. Whenever you have a hole in your house, or you're doing a little renovation, it's good luck to have a sad looking kid photographed in front of it. The photographers say the camera just eats it up.

Oprah:
Why is an AFP photographer still hanging around here, years after the battle?

Spokesman:
Oh, they are a godsend, AFP, Reuters, AP -- the whole lot of them. If it weren't for them, for their hard-hitting objective photographic evidence, who would know of the atrocities being perpetrated by the Israelis day after day?

Oprah:
Why do they have an artillery shell in the middle of a good luck photo of a kitchen renovation? [** note below]

Spokesman:
Eh? Oh, that. It's just symbolic of the intention of every Palestinian that their work and their effort should be in resistance to the rockets of occupation.

Oprah:
They don't mind if I join in the picture do they? I'm sure an autographed photo taken with Oprah would be quite a keepsake to hang on their new kitchen wall.



Spokesman:
No, Oprah, they are looking for a certain authentic look to the photo, please, don't...oh well. They can always snap a few more after we've gone.

Oprah:
Hey!! Mustafa, is that you?!!

[Oprah stares across the street, waving and trying to get the attention of a young man who is involved with something else and doesn't notice her.]

Oprah:
Do you see that boy across the street? The one with the toy gun on his shoulder?

Spokesman:
That is no toy; that's a real RPG. And that is no boy, but a real freedom fighter!

Oprah:
I guess the Power of Postive Thought pamphlets aren't working. Say, would you be willing to help me translate some self-help materials into Arabic? I really think it could make a difference.

Spokesman:
Sure, I'd love to. We have our own print shop, and I'm a very quick and creative translator.

Oprah:
Excellent. I'll have my people contact your people. Meanwhile, next week we'll be back in our studios for Celebrity Pet Makeovers Week. I hope you'll all join us. Bye now.

Oprah's Jenin Week (best read in order)
Day 1: Mothers
Day 2: Poet
Day 3: Go Girl
Day 4: Snitch
Day 5: Massacre
Epilogue: Exposed

** NOTE: the original photo is a famous staged photo from Afghanistan that shows yet again how you cannot always count on the hard-hitting objectivity of news photographers. It is included in this parody as a representative of the complicit media's willingness to help perpetuate lies so long as those lies are harmful to the US or Israel. The "Jenin massacre" is such a lie, and the text reporters were as much a part of the sales team as the photographers this time, giving an open and uncritical channel for wildly untrue accusations on the part of Palestinians intimately involved in the conflict and with an obvious agenda that should have merited at least a little skepticism. The picture is not of any Palestinian house, nor is it intended to imply any specific act of photographic fakery in Jenin.

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Thursday, May 25, 2006

Oprah's Jenin Week -- Day 4: Snitch 

Oprah:
Welcome back to our fourth historic day coming to you directly from the lovely city of Jenin--

Crowd:
Jenin!!!!!! We love you Oprah!!

Oprah:
Thank you. Thank you so much. Ok, Let's get right to our first guest so we'll have enough time left for me to go upside a certain someone's head before we finish. Today I want to focus on the heroism of a very special group of conscientious Palestinians who cannot remain silent in the face of the evil they see.

Crowd:
Allah Akbar!! Takbir!!! Stop the Occu--

Oprah:
That's right, I'm talking about the courageous Palestinian informers who help Israel keep suicide bombers out of its kindergartens.

Crowd:
[cough]

Oprah:
When these brave souls see attacks being planned -- attacks with explosives, targeting civilians -- they speak up, notifying authorities about the potential violence, and saving lives.

Crowd:
[murmering]

Oprah:
We have one such courageous Palestinian here with us today. This humble hero doesn't want to take credit by name, and has even asked to appear lit only from behind and using a pseudonym, but he's willing to share a little bit of his amazing story with us. Please welcome a man we'll just call Abdul AbDULLAHHHHHHH!



Oprah:
"Abdul" thanks for joining us. I so admire what you do. Saving lives, whistle-blowing if you will.

Abdul:
Wow, well, thank you. I'm not used to such kind words. That sounds a lot nicer than Snitch or Knife Magnet.

Oprah:
Abdul, life's just too short to waste time worrying about all that negative energy coming from all the jealous people and haters that surround us.

Abdul:
Actually, that's coming from my friends.

Oprah:
Oh. Well, if it's your friends, it's got to be out of love. Remember that. It must simply be out of concern for your well-being, that you not get hurt by one of the terrorists before you can turn them in. Believe me, you deserve only kind words, hero.

Abdul:
Well, I guess.

Oprah:
I'll tell you what Mr. Sad Sack, after the show, you give me the numbers of these friends of yours and I'll call 'em up and set 'em all straight! A hero shouldn't have to put up with negativity. If they hear the good word from Oprah, that should be enough to set them back on the straight and narrow.

Abdul:
That's ok. Please. Don't.

Oprah:
No, I mean it. Meanwhile, why don't we let our audience in on some of the details of your incredible story. You were at your cousin Marwan's house...

Abdul:
Well, let's call him something else though...

Oprah:
Ok, so your cousin, Ismail, is talking on his cellphone one day when he thinks you can't hear, and what does he say?

Abdul:
Well, I don't want to go into too much detail...

Oprah:
...about the nail bomb, and the target in Netanya, and how your cousin was supposed to drop the bomb off near the neighborhood school for pickup?

Abdul:
Yeah, those would be the identifying details I really didn't want to go into.

Oprah:
Abdul, if you've got a light you can't hide it; you owe it to the world to let it shine. This is such emotionally powerful stuff. And then...when he saw you and clearly realized what you'd overheard, that was your moment of truth, am I right?

Abdul:
Well, yes, he looked pretty upset.

Oprah:
So what did you do?

Abdul:
I...I volunteered to go get a bag of nails -- for the bomb, you know -- only I went out and called the Israelis instead.

Oprah:
And what made you do that? A reverence for the innate goodness in all of us? The power of love? Why did you call the Israelis?

Abdul:
I can't tell you how many times I've asked myself that same question. Sometimes I'm not even sure why myself, other than the money, jobs and free housing.

Oprah:
So what happened next? They confiscated your cousin's bomb making supplies?

Abdul:
Well, no, my cousin blew himself up as the soldiers came to the door. The Israelis took the blame for it in the end.

Oprah:
Ah, that's how they preserved your cover?

Abdul:
No, no the Israelis are normally blamed after work-accidents anyway, but it certainly was convenient.

Oprah:
Well Abdul that was amazing. And now I have a little surprise for you. You may not watch the show much, so you probably don't know I do this, but I love to bring a little joy into people's lives and you are certainly someone who deserves some joy. So -- can we bring up the lights, let's do this right -- we've bought you a brand new Pontiac with detachable luggage rack, GPS tracking, and automatic garage door opener!



Oprah:
Abdul, what do you have to say?

Abdul:
Oh my! It doesn't come with bullet proof glass, does it? You can't do this!

Oprah:
Oh, yes I can do this, I don't think you realize how much money and power I have. I could buy you hundreds of these and not even notice. In fact, let's give him two more, just for the fun of it -- but the one with the bullet proof glass is mine, Mr. Greedy Pants.

Abdul:
No...please...Allah have mercy, I'm going to die.

Oprah:
Abdul, everybody says they're going to die, but believe me, I've given away a lot of loot, and you're NOT going to die. We even keep an emergency medical crew on hand just in case somebody gets too excited when I give stuff away. Just keep reminding yourself that you DESERVE this. We all do, don't we?! Abdul? Abdul? Where'd Abdul go?

[sound of receding footsteps running down the hallway and then an exernal door slamming.]

Oprah:
Hmmm, ok, let's move on then. We'll make sure Abdul gets his cars. You may remember a few days ago we had a young man on the show named Mustafa. Mustafa and his uncle gave us what they claimed was a gift of peace to deliver on their behalf to the Israeli government. As you probably know by now, I tried to do just that, but touchy Israeli security wouldn't let us through their checkpoint carrying the gift. I was livid until I found out that somehow a bomb had made its way into the gift I was given to deliver. So I've brought Mustafa back to have a little chat with the young man. Mustafa, welcome back.

Mustafa:
Thank you.

Oprah:
Mustafa, did you know there was a bomb in that gift?

Mustafa:
A what? A bum?

Oprah:
Aha. So you had no idea. You don't even seem to know what a bomb is. So it was your uncle who put the bomb in the gift?

Mustafa:
Uncle, bum, yes.

Oprah:
And he's not even your uncle, is he Mustafa?

Mustafa:
You knew?

Oprah:
C'mon Mustafa, give me a break. You don't get to be the richest woman in the world by walking around with your eyes closed.

Mustafa:
I am not a woman! Why do you insult my family's honor?

Oprah:
I just mean that it is obvious to anyone with half a brain that your so-called uncle is using you.

Mustafa:
May I go now? I have to meet other uncle at border crossing. Can't be late.

Oprah:
Ok Mustafa. But first, take these "Power of Positive Thought" pamphlets. I just want to help keep you out of trouble my young friend.

Mustafa:
No worries. Uncles only ask what Allah wants. I don't wear belt this time.

Oprah:
Good. As long as you have love in your heart, that is the greatest power in the world. "Ask and you shall receive" it says in the Good Book, without mentioning anything about explosives. And I don't believe in a God that wastes His time worrying about who collects the taxes. Hey, I was raised a Baptist and I was sitting in church and heard that God is a jealous God. I asked, "Why?" Come on. Get over this whole jealous God stuff! Seek my loving God instead.

Mustafa:
There is only Allah, the one true God. There is no other God.

Oprah:
Allah, God whatever. Tell me, do you believe in love?

Mustafa:
Love? Yes, somewhere there is virgin or two for Mustafa.

Oprah:
Well if you believe in love then you believe in God. The same God I believe in, whatever you want to call him. And that God cares a lot more about what's in your heart than what you can blow up in His name. Do you understand what I'm telling you?

Mustafa:
You say I should make sure blowing things up for Allah is truly in my heart, or I don't get full credit. Thank you that is--

Oprah:
No, no, Mustafa. Please. Read the pamphlet. And if you have any questions, here is a card with my friend Dr. Phil's toll free hotline number. Ok everybody, that's all for today. We'll see you tomorrow as we explore and learn a little more about this great city, Jenin.

Oprah's Jenin Week (best read in order)
Day 1: Mothers
Day 2: Poet
Day 3: Go Girl
Day 4: Snitch
Day 5: Massacre
Epilogue: Exposed

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A Smattering of Stupidities 

A recent New York Times editorial I would generously call the piece naive, except I suspect their intent was sophistication rather than naivete.

But it takes a naive sophistication indeed to criticize Israel even for unilaterally withdrawing from territories from which the Palestinians themselves have long demanded withdrawal. At the rate this is going, the next Israeli government could suggest all Jews be forcibly removed from the region, and the Times editorialists would lament the unilateral Israeli assumption of docking rights for evacuation boats rather than the mass swimming exhibition some in the region would have prefered.

So I'll just keep it simple and offer for your blog-reading enjoyment a smattering of sophisticated stupidities -- a sort of Fisk-lite if you will:

But Mr. Bush should not punish the Palestinian people by endorsing any unilateral proposal -- doing that would punish them for exercising their democratic right to vote.
Kind of like everyone who wants to boycott Israel or divest from Israel or impose UN General Assembly sanctions, or obliterate the Jewish state in a nuclear attack feels justified in wanting to punish Israelis for the actions of the government they democratically elected. Remember, winning a vote does not automatically confer moral legitimacy and immunity to any and all positions taken by the government thus elected -- case in point, all the tyrants elected with far greater majorities than even Hamas or Israeli governments.


Mr. Olmert's proposal has two parts, and the first one is fine: to withdraw Israeli settlers and troops from vast areas of the occupied West Bank. That's a worthy goal, and one that has been way too long in coming.

The problem is with the second part of the proposal: to retain several large settlement blocs in the Palestinian West Bank. That's a recipe for disaster.
So unilateral Israeli surrender is fine, as long as it is complete and unconditional. Give up all of the territory now, including areas that weren't even under consideration under final status talks, and then sit back and wait for the Hamas-led Palestinians to decide how to respond to such gratuitous largesse: with Qassams, Katyushas, or Semtex.


Anyone who has ever really looked at a map of Israel, the West Bank and Gaza can see how hard it will be to form a Palestinian state. Even a future Palestine that includes all of the West Bank and Gaza is still going to be in two pieces with Israel in the middle, separating Gaza from the West Bank.
And this uncomfortable truth is somehow ameliorated by criticizing even Israel's unilateral pullbacks? Is there any action Israel could take, other than suicide, that could solve this particular problem? It seems to me that some other creative solution will just have to be found, because there is not yet an electoral majority of Israelis in favor of national suicide, although a little self-mutilation isn't out of the question.

Might the Palestinians consider forming 2 states for themselves instead of one -- the People's Republic of Gaza, and the Chaotic State of West Bankia? It actually could make sense as it would give them twice as many votes in the UN with which to bash their neighbor. It would also allow the New York Times and various news agencies to open twice as many Palestinian bureaus -- a win-win all around.

Until then, I would humbly request the New York Times keep its ever-ready criticisms to itself until such time as it can offer something more constructive to recommend to Israel than immediate and unconditional surrender -- something usually recommended to the party that is losing a war. From reading the New York Times, were it not for Israel's continued and troublesome existence, one could be forgiven for getting the impression Israel had lost every war launched against it.

See also some great points raised by Israel Matzav in response to the same editorial. (And a tip of the hat to Soccer Dad for pointing this out.) IN ADDITION, you owe it to yourself not to miss The Elder's smackdown of this piece; it's a beauty.

UPDATE: More at Daled Amos, Backspin, In Context, Simply Jews and Soccer Dad

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Oprah's Jenin Week -- Day 3: Go Girl 

Oprah:
Hello everybody, welcome to Day 3 of our week here in fabulous Jenin. 

Crowd:
Woooo... [ululululululation]... We love you Oprah!

Oprah:
Thank you, thank you. Let's get started because I've got a very special show for you today. About. Girl power.

Crowd:
[puzzled looks]

Oprah:
Feminism.

Crowd:
... Yay?

Oprah:
That's right, you go girl. Yes, you've told us a lot about how tough it is growing up Palestinian. And female. And we listened. We've heard about Israeli checkpoints, and searches---

Crowd:
You got that right!

Oprah:
I hear ya sister. And then there's the dreaded uncertainty of not knowing in how many pieces your man is coming home from work each night.

Crowd:
[nodding]

Oprah:
The list just goes on and on -- it ain't easy for you girls. But take it from me, life is never so tough that adding a little ketchup and chewing a little harder can't choke it down. So I decided we'd do a little digging and get to the bottom of this. To help us out, I've got an incredible guest signed up today to go on special assignment, and she's going to tell us a whole lot more about the difficulties Palestinian women face, and give us a few simple tips to improve the situation. Ladies, please welcome, Britnayyy. SPEEEEEEYERS!!!!!


Britney:
Oprah! Thanks so much for, like, this opportunity. You know these issues are just so near and dear to my heart -- I've had it rough here and there too. Giving birth -- which was actually hard work -- and then all this marriage business... it's not easy being a girl, or not quite a woman, or whatever.

Oprah:
[smiles, nods] It's so great that you agreed to go on special assignment for us Britney. Your reporting could make such a difference. I just want everyone to know that when we selected Britney as our reporter, it was only because we were looking for someone who really put themselves out there for the community, and Britney's agent confirmed for us that she's our gal. Britney, why don't you let everyone know a little bit about some of your projects, a little free PR if you know what I mean.

Britney:
Uh, well, there's my work running free-of-charge hip-hop classes for 7- to 12-year-olds at Malibu Academy of Dance. And, um... My agent pointed you to me? That's just so sweet of him. What exactly did he say?

Oprah:
[smiling to camera] Don't you just love humble superstars? [applause] Let me fill everyone in on your assignment, Britney, and then we'll see what you've turned up for us. We gave Britney a camera team and a list of the issues facing Palestinian women and told her to go out and get us the real scoop, not to sugar coat it. We told her to look into everything we mentioned before, but also other possibilities: honor killings, genital mutilation, polygamy, forced marriages, and so on -- to really find out what's what.

Crowd:
[silence]

Britney:
[cheery smile] Right. Oprah was all, like, "Ok Britney, go out there and show us these problems, up close and personal." And I'm like, "Ok, and I'll have recommendations for how to improve things too!" And then Oprah's all, "Ok, and"---

Oprah:
Ok, yes. We're so lucky to have Britney, especially as this is sweeps week. So, without further ado, let's roll Britney's video.

[dissolve to video]

Britney:
[narrating as video shows her entering an office and interviewing a man] I first decided to find out what the Palestinian government is doing about these issues, so I talked to... well, I can't really pronounce his name too good, but it was on that plaque on his door y'all saw. Anyways, I asked him about the honor killings and all that horrible stuff, because I just couldn't believe anyone would treat a women that way, no matter what Kevin says when he's ticked at me.

Spokesman:
I'm so glad you approached me first, Britney. You see, indeed all of these crimes -- and they are very much crimes -- are a result of the intense pressure that is put on the Palestinian male. His land stolen from him. Humiliated at checkpoints in front of his family. Explosions all night. No work to feed his family, forced to swallow his pride and live off charity. It is too much for him to bear. And so you see, I agree this is bad, very bad, and I can only sadly wish the Israelis would show more concern for the Palestinian human rights, and the tragic consequences of their mistreatment of the Palestinian people -- males especially.

Britney:
[narrating again] That was just so helpful. I totally thanked him for pretty much knocking off half my list before lunch time. And so here is recommendation number one that I have for solving the honor killings and all that: stop Israelis from being so mean to Palestinian guys.

Crowd:
[loud, live applause in background]

Britney:
[continuing narration] How hard could that be? It just feels so good to help. Then, after lunch and a pedicure, I decided to interview a bunch of Palestinian women to see what they had to say for themselves.

[video shows a series of women in burqas speaking as Britney holds the microphone]

Britney:
[translating over the women's Arabic statements] I can't really tell you what they said, cuz frankly I didn't understand a WORD of it? But I did notice that they were all dressed up in these God-awful Halloween mu-mu outfits, like they were staying out of the sun after a skin treatment or something. So I figured they must be having some weight anxieties, body image problems you know, or maybe a little trouble dropping those post-pregnancy pounds? And yeah, I, Britney Spears have been there too. Really.

[video fades, return to Britney and Oprah on the couch]

Oprah:
So that's it? That's all you got?

Britney:
Oh no. Now I have a few final recommendations based on what I learned. First of all, I just pitied the terrible fashion choices that are available here to the women of Jenin. Just because you're fat doesn't mean you have to dress like a pig in a sack -- you know that better than I Oprah. So I put my wardrobe people on the task of coming up with a few fashionable updates to the basic Palestinian outfit, and then modeled them myself. I hope to market them in the local boutiques under my Britney's Burqas brand, and bring a little fashion sunshine into dreary lives. Can we show the pictures?



Britney:
As you can see, I've really updated the basic hijab look. It's much cooler on those scorching summer afternoons yet also hotter on sultry summer evenings, if you know what I mean. Plus, it should drastically simplify any troubles at Israeli checkpoints -- nowhere to hide anything anymore, so what's to check?

Oprah:
Uh, Britney, I think you're missing the point about the security checks. It's not just being searched. It's being made to wait in pointless lines, and...

Britney:
Oh, yeah, I know that. But let me tell you, I've been through that. If you've ever seen how fast a little skin can get you through the VIP line at the clubs you might trust my judgement here a little more...

Oprah:
Ok, fine. Why don't we just move on to your next creation.

Britney:
Kay. My second number is a bit more classical and traditional, while still hinting at some forbidden fun.



Crowd:
[lot's of very loud Arabic]

Britney:
Yes, yes, thank you! That's so kind of y'all. In true Oprah spirit, I've brought along enough of each of these outfits that everyone in the audience will go home with a dream wardrobe from Britney's Burqas! That's right!

Oprah:
Wow! [claps nervously, looking at crowd] You really should have cleared this with me first Britney, or at least with security.

Britney:
And then I thought I'd give a few makeup tips for using mascara and eyeliner, since that's all y'all are allowed to show? And I brought my makeup girl--

Oprah:
Oh my, where has the time gone Britney! Thank you so much, but we've got to move along.

Britney:
But--

Oprah:
[standing and moving away from the couch] Thank you so much, Britney Spears, for your fine reporting and analyis. Hopefully, because of you, being a Palestinian women will be just that much easier. Great. Now, you probably remember yesterday's video of how I was turned away from the Knesset building even though I was carrying a peace gift from a local boy, Mustafa. Well, we've got the head of Knesset security on the line, and he's about to get just a little piece, the tiniest fragment, of Oprah's mind -- or maybe we'll skip straight to Oprah's boot.

Crowd:
woooo....hoooo...

Oprah:
Hello sir. Sir, are you there? This is Oprah Winfrey.

Security:
Hello, yes I'm here, I've been here on hold for 20 minutes. How can I help you?

Oprah:
Thank you for speaking with us, you're on the air on the Oprah Winfrey show. I wanted to ask you a few questions about how I was treated by Knesset Security.

Security:
Go ahead. I'm not at liberty to reveal everything about what we do, but if I can clear something up, I'd be happy to help.

Oprah:
Not at liberty. Uh huh. Now, you must not know me, but I'm not used to this kind of treatment -- and no, I'm not stupid enough to stand here and say I should be treated differently just because I'm a famous celebrity billionaire. But I want to make sure I wasn't treated rudely at your security station two days ago just because of my race. This better not be a racial thing.

Security:
Good heavens no! We are obligated to--

Oprah:
So you DON'T have a policy of checking every black women who passes by?

Security:
Well, in fact we do, we check every--

Oprah:
You check every black woman? No matter how well dressed they are?

Security:
Yes--

Oprah:
Even if they are only coming to deliver a PEACE GIFT!

Security:
Ohhhh, that was you?

Oprah:
You bet your left felafel that was me. Starting to make sense yet? That's Oprah...O-P-R-A--

Security:
So you're the one who left the gift wrapped box of explosives. Would you be so kind as to drive over to the nearest police station? There are a number of questions--

[click]

Oprah:
Well, that's about all the time we have for today. But I think I can safely say that tomorrow, in addition to our planned guest, I'll also be publicly tanning a certain boy's hide -- no names, but I will say it rhymes with YOU-stafa. I do hope you'll join us. Bye now.

NOTE: This is parody, and not intended to imply anything about Oprah's real life attitudes regarding the Middle East. It's just a cheap pandering ploy for traffic based on riding Oprah's prodigious coattails. In fact, Yourish points out that Oprah is doing a series of episodes this week from Auschwitz with Elie Wiesel, even if it is with the usual Oprah style. (hat tips: West Bank Mama and Eric from Flig).

Oprah's Jenin Week (best read in order)
Day 1: Mothers
Day 2: Poet
Day 3: Go Girl
Day 4: Snitch
Day 5: Massacre
Epilogue: Exposed

Linked with thanks to Rhymes with Right, TMH's Bacon Bits, Cigar Intelligence, Stuck on Stupid and This May...or Not

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Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Oprah's Jenin Week -- Day 2: Poet 

Oprah:
Welcome back to my second day broadcasting to you from the great city of Jenin--

Crowd:
woo hoooooo...

Oprah:
Yes. Yes, thank you. I love you too, Jenin. Now, let's get right to today's first guest. Amongst a people renowned for it's enduring love of poetry, the distinction of being a great poet is high praise indeed. Our first guest is just such a bard. Honored at home and abroad, his poems have been translated into many languages, including English, and have lifted the spirits of countless Palestinians in their struggles, whether it be against occupation or overeating. Please welcome Abu Makir.



Crowd:
woo woo woo.....

[Abu enters, bows humbly, approaches couch where Oprah waits to hug him, and sits down. Oprah sits too].

Oprah:
Abu, it's so good to have you.

Abu:
Thank you. Good to be here.

Oprah:
I can't tell you how much I love poetry. From a childhood spent soaking up the crazy rhymes and rhythms of Dr. Seuss to an adulthood enriched by the spirit of rap and hip hop, poetry simply infuses my soul. It enriches all of us, doesn't it? [she looks to the crowd for confirmation.]

Crowd:
wooooooo!!

Oprah:
Tell me, Abu, what do you try to accomplish with your poetry? Is it to educate, or to elevate, or simply to entertain and enthrall?

Abu:
Every one of my words gives courage to the brave brothers and sisters out there in the resistance, Oprah.

Oprah:
Yeah. Fight the power! That's a little Chuck D by the way, truly gifted in his own right. Have you heard of Chuck D? No? Anyway, I had my producers pick up a little collection of some of your work translated into English so my American audience can get a flavor for the cadence and themes of your work. Let me read a few lines here from one called, "O Allah, My Blood Flows For You." Such a beautiful title. May I?

Abu:
[with a proud smile] Certainly.

Oprah:
[clears throat]

My flesh O my flesh,
Mist of my blood,
Every last particle and piece,
On its separate, spinning, parabolic trajectory,
Quenching our land's thirst for blood.

All fate in Allah's merciful hands,
At work there are no accidents.
Nothing explodes but by His will.
Could His will not have waited for a few Jews as well?
I miss my spleen.

Brave testicles, prematurely ejected,
Erstwhile seed of a Palestinian nation.
Each sinew and bloody lump of cartilege,
Cries out Shaheeeeed,
Before splattering the walls of the explosives lab.

Never forget, O brother,
How Grandpa Awad told us,
Of his Uncle's key, held since Nakba.
Our dear nephews must return even if we cannot,
To room 32, Hilton Hotel, Haifa.

Sadly, alone my eternal reward now calls me,
But not you O brother, no, not you, not yet!
As I await you here in paradise,
I pray only for your recovery and harbor no grudge,
Even though I distinctly remember asking you not to smoke in the lab.

Abu:
[nodding] Yes. yes.

Oprah:
That's stunning imagery. It must be just so... so cleansing to just let it all out like that, to really symbolically express what's inside.

Abu:
[shrugs] I do not know what you mean by symbolically. I express exactly what I feel.

Oprah:
Oh yes indeed, keepin' it real. I feel that. I feel that inner rage all the time -- like when I specifically request a double half-caff uncovered, and they add cinnamon sprinkle. But as I've gotten older, I've learned to just LET IT GO. If you keep that all inside, it'll just eat you up. It's like I think it was Jung who said, "Beware of the dark side. Anger...fear...aggression." Such a brilliant psychological mind!

Abu:
[shrugs] This so-called dark side has its uses.

Oprah:
You know, now that you mention it, you are so right. I can't help noticing though -- and please, this is no criticism coming from the likes of me -- but your poem doesn't seem to rhyme. You know, like, "The CAT, in the HAT, came BACK."

Abu:
Well, it is a translation -- and a poor translation at that -- from the Arabic. What is said in Arabic rarely sees the full light of day in English.

Oprah:
I see. So what else would you say has been lost in translation here?

Abu:
Oh, this and that. There were certain deeper implied meanings, layers having to do with the order in which certain devices are constructed, or the importance of nails and ball bearings. Little things like that. But really, Oprah, you should spend a few years learning Arabic from the teachers at your local mosque, and then try it in the original. If you really pay attention and accept what they teach you, you'll return to my material with a much fuller appreciation of what it all means.

Oprah:
Well, between doing my show and trying out all these various diets I'm not sure I really have time, but I thank you for the suggestion. Thank you so much for being here Abu, and for your gift of the word. Now, before I sign off though, I want to bring you all up to speed on what happened to me when I tried to make young Mustafa's dream of peace come true yesterday. You'll remember he asked me to carry a very special gift -- a peace offering -- to Israeli leaders. Well, here's what happened next.

[cut to video showing Oprah approaching an Israeli security station]


Oprah:
Hi, I'm Oprah, and I'm here to deliver a peace gift to the Knesset on behalf of a very special young man. That's my crew. [points to camera]. We don't have any weapons.

Guard:
Ok, Miss Ofrah, please put your belongings on the table and step through the metal detector.

Oprah:
No, you don't understand. This is a PEACE gift. I have a very, VERY popular television show, and you're actually on it right now.

Guard:
I understand, Maam, but I have to check everything anyway.

Oprah:
I'm so tired of this. I am NOT going through this whole Hermes business again, even if that thing did end up turning out ok. Life is just too short for Oprah to get angry -- especially at you, kid. So will you please harness your power of positive thought for just one moment and give peace a chance? You're about to seriously disappoint a very well-meaning young man, and get one billionaire talk show hostess mighty ticked off to boot.

Guard:
Sorry Maam but I have to check everything.

Oprah:
Ok, that's it! Take the package and deliver it yourself. You've just blown an important cross-cultural moment, my young friend. Turn off the cameras, we're out of here.

[fade video]

Crowd:
Boo...boooooo...Death to the--

Oprah:
Yes, I know. How can there be peace until there is a little trust. So, if you're watching this, young Mustafa, you can see that I tried. I hope your package eventually got delivered, but apparently Israeli security has it in for famous, fabulously wealthy black women as much as for oppressed, uneducated, poor Palestinian boys. This is a sad day indeed for peace. I'm going to need some serious meditation and affirmations to get over this. Ok, well, tommorrow, besides seeing if I can followup a little bit on the barbaric rudeness we all just witnessed, I'll have a very special celebrity guest and together we'll take a look at feminism in the Middle East -- a girl power hour. Please don't miss it.

Oprah's Jenin Week (best read in order)
Day 1: Mothers
Day 2: Poet
Day 3: Go Girl
Day 4: Snitch
Day 5: Massacre
Epilogue: Exposed

Linked with thanks to Pirate's Cove, Outside the Beltway, Planck's Constant and Adam's Blog

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So What's the Problem? Palestinian Justice Can Handle This 

Haaretz reports on Jordanian demands in the wake of the murder of one of its citizens by Palestinian gunmen:

Jordan demanded a swift Palestinian inquiry after one of its diplomatic staffers was killed Monday and seven other people were wounded as a new Hamas-led security force exchanged heavy fire with gunmen near the Palestinian parliament building in Gaza City.
So what's the problem? Aren't Palestinian inquiries always swift?

If they Jordanians wanted to focus on a problematic area of Palestinian justice, it probably should have been on the famous revolving door instead, which usually administers only the slightest tap on the tuches of each exiting terrorist killer as they are freed, reminding them to be more careful next time not to inconvenience everyone so by getting caught. Perhaps the Jordanians should be requesting both a swift inquiry and a subsequent fatal whack of the revolving door to the killers' heads instead of the traditional love tap to their departing tushies.

That's probably about the best they can hope for as long as attitudes like these persist:

Television footage of the incident showed a Hamas gunman pressed against a wall firing a burst of gunfire across a road before a comrade fiercely gestured for him to stop shooting. A few moments later, the Jordanian vehicle, with a bullet hole in the windshield, is seen slowly moving down the road before stopping and rolling backward.
As long as everyone, from the Hamas-controlled Palestinian government to the global media and its readership, is able to refer to "a Hamas gunman" without howls outrage, there is going to be a huge problem in the area of Palestinian justice -- and the same was true while Fatah gunmen and explosive experts wandered the streets under a Fatah government's "watchful eye." Can you imagine how the media would report on the shooting of a foreign diplomatic worker by a band of "Likud gunmen?" Or if Republican-sponsored "George Bush Brigades" wandered around killing political opponents on the streets of America without punishment?

(And for those of you who believe this is already happening in Bush's America or Likudistan, you are welcome to go live in the greater safety of a Hamas-governed city rather than the justice-obsessed despotic hellholes you're trapped in now.)

Monday, May 22, 2006

Oprah's Jenin Week -- Day 1: Mothers 

[roll intro video]

Oprah:
[backing intro] Welcome to Israel, or as it is known in Arabic and French, Palestine. But whatever you call it, so much goes down in this little patch of holy land that, despite its small size, it merits almost as many reporters as a Britney Spears wedding. And Jenin is right in the middle of it all. Home to Palestinians, site of massacres and checkpoints and you name it, a city of suffering and courage, and hopefully, the seeds of peace. All this week, live from Jenin. Next...

[dissolve to Oprah in front of live, mostly female Palestinian audience in Jenin studio]



Crowd:
Oprah!...We love you...woo woo...Death to the...

Oprah:
Thank you Jenin!...

Crowd:
Woooo...[ululation]...[more ululation]...

Oprah:
Thank you. Enough, please. Ok, Welcome to the Oprah show...Thank you...all this week, live from Jenin...

Crowd:
Jenin!!!...[ululation]...Allahu Akbar!!! [crowd surges away]...woooo...We want Dr. Phil!...Woooooot!

Oprah:
Thank you. Look, I'm going to be here all week, so save a little bit of that, ok? Now, we're here in Jenin, a place with a lot of problems, and we're going to spend the week looking a little deeper. For today's show we had a beautiful idea to highlight the kind of change that is possible. We sent out a call for three mothers of suicide bombers...

Crowd:
Wooop woop woop...Allahu Akbar!....

Oprah:
Yes, ok, three mothers who would be willing to appear and, despite their children's ultimate sacrifice, speak out instead on behalf of peace.

Crowd:
...[cough]...

Oprah:
Thank you. Yes, ok, so let's get started. I'd like to introduce our three Suicide Bomber Moms for Peace, but unfortunately one of our moms, Mariam Farhat--

Crowd:
Woop Woop...[ululation]

Oprah:
Yes, THAT Mariam Farhat -- the Mother of Martyrs -- is busy elsewhere today, deeply engaged in her newest duties, hoping to give the deaths of three of her sons some sort of meaning. As you know, she has been elected to the new Palestinian Authority Parliament--

Crowd:
[ululation]

Oprah:
Yes, you go girl! Yes she has, and she's unfortunately been delayed up there, secluded in some sort of meeting with her oldest remaining son, hopefully bringing her dreams of peace just that much closer.

Crowd:
Allahu Akbar!

Oprah:
Right, well, so let's bring out our two remaining Suicide Bomber Moms for Peace, Fatima and Wafa. Let's hear it...

Crowd:
[applause]

[Fatima and Wafa appear onstage and approach Oprah. They gingerly hug her and sit opposite Oprah on the couch].



Oprah:
It's so good to have you with us -- I love that fabric by the way, the color so totally draws attention to your eyes.

Fatima:
Thank you and I love...your...uh...draws attention...could we bring you a blanket?

Oprah:
Ha, no. Don't worry, you'll see. These lights will warm you up real quick, especially in those gorgeous outfits.

Wafa:
What Fatima means is that you are dressed most immodestly and perhaps your people could bring you something a little less harlot-ish to wear.

Oprah:
Oh, I see. Ok, I'll have the boys see if they can rustle up something a bit more culturally sensitive before the next segment -- is pink ok though? [they nod] So, tell me, polls show that support for suicide bombings is growing in Palestinian society and--

Fatima:
We call them martyrdom operations.

Oprah:
Right, support is growing for martydom operations... so, are you afraid of the reactions of your friends and neighbors to your coming on the show here and advocating peace? Is that why you don't want to give your real names?

Wafa:
Good heavens no, we are concerned only about the Israeli storm-troopers and their collective punishment. We don't want them knowing who we were, coming and destroying our villages and stealing our children's vital organs for their Passover soup.

Oprah:
Surely you exaggerate. I've tried Passover soup... I mean, if this is how you really feel about the Israelis, why would you think your dreams of peace will ever come true?

Fatima:
Well, we also have more sons the Israelis don't know yet and--

Wafa:
Yes, yes, enough said, it's just better this way.

Oprah:
Ahhh. Yes, the youth are our future. Now I see it. Very well then. So at a time when peace seems farther away than ever, what has led the two of you, along with other mothers in your situation, to change your minds and embrace peace?

Fatima:
We haven't--

Wafa:
It's not a case of changing our minds really, since we have always supported peace, just as we do now. Total peace in our land. Do you think we're happy having our sons blow themselves up, burying them one chunk at a time? No, but until there is total peace enforced in this land, we--

Oprah:
Total peace. Right on! Now you KNOW I've always been for peace -- why I was just visualizing it this morning. You two, along with Mariam and a few other courageous women, are trying to take the lead in educating other mothers to your vision of peace, spreading the good word if you will, isn't that right? Tell us a little about that.

Wafa:
We just help prepare mothers for the fact that it takes sacrifice to achieve total--

Fatima:
Total peace. It's not enough just to visualize it. Sure you can sit around all day cashing UN aid checks and seething about the Israelis' Nazi apartheid practices against innocent Palestinian women and babies and handicapped holy men, or you can educate your children to do something about it. And that takes sacrifice.

Oprah:
I hear you. Hey, I grew up poor. I know sacrifice, believe me. But no pain no gain! And I know apartheid -- even did a tour of South Africa . You just have to stand up. The power of positive thought. I've been there and it's not easy. Whether you're just looking to lose those last few pounds so you can squeeze into that special dress for the Oscars, or trying to bring peace to your people, that same sense of sacrifice is where it's at. Thank you for sharing your remarkable spiritual journey with us.

Fatima and Wafa:
Thank you Oprah.

Oprah:
And now, before we sign off today, we want to bring a little bit of our "Wildest Dreams" joy here to Palestine. About an hour ago, I sent John, our producer, out with a camera to find someone who looked like they could really benefit from having their wildest dreams come true. Well John's back and he's found his man. Let's take a look.

[cue video: older teen running from a border crossing in a heavy winter jacket, he tries to get into a car, producer approaches and speaks with driver and teen, teen and driver nod, producer climbs in and the camera follows behind the short trip back to the studio in a second vehicle.]

Oprah:
And they're here now. John found Mustafa outside a border crossing after he was refused crossing to Israel, and helped him out before the soldiers could chase him down. Now please, give a warm Jenin welcome to... MuSTAFAHHHHH!

[crowd cheers and ululates as Mustafa walks out]



Oprah:
Come, sit here next to me Mustafa. No? Ok, you can sit over there, that's fine. John told us on the phone that you speak English?

Mustafa:
Yes...I think so, thank you very much. Enough. My... uncle... can help too.

Oprah:
Well, let's bring your uncle out here too, then! C'mon out here!

[Man in his thirties, well dressed, reluctantly nudged out on stage. Smiles and waves to applause and sits next to Mustafa.]

Oprah:
Mustafa, why don't you take off your coat? You're sweating like you just spent a weekend in a Native American sweat lodge -- a remarkably uplifting experience I'll never forget, but one I wouldn't recommend under these stage lights.

["Uncle" whispers to Mustafa.]

Mustafa:
[shakes head] No. No.

Oprah:
It's just that all that sweat really doesn't look good under the lights. Well, Mustafa, did they tell you why you're here? Do you know what my "Wildest Dream" segment is?

Mustafa:
Who are you?

Oprah:
Ha ha ha ha! Such a sense of humor! So seriously, Mustafa, this is where I, a poor little girl who grew up in poverty, much like yourself, has a chance to help you. Mustafa. What is your Greatest Dream?

[Mustafa laughs nervously, looks at Uncle and talks to him quietly]

Uncle:
He is shy, doesn't want to say it loud, can he whisper it to you?

Oprah:
Well sure, as long as I can hear it, I can buy it. [leans in] Go ahead Mustafa, what is it?

Mustafa:
[whisper whisper whisper]

Oprah:
Uh. Mustafa, I can't do that. No, sorry, something else.

Mustafa:
[whisper whisper whisper]

Oprah:
Quit kidding around Mustafa. If I couldn't do the first one, then I'm sure as hell not doing THAT!

[Mustafa looks to Uncle]

Uncle:
I think what Mustafa means, and is just having trouble... expressing...is his heartfelt desire to deliver a... a gift... to the Israeli leadership. He was unable to pass the Gestapo border guards today to deliver it himself, but perhaps a personage of your great fame and respect would be kind enough to deliver it herself?

Oprah:
Oh my! Well isn't this a surprising development! You want me to deliver a present? A peace offering between two cultures. Oh, of course, this is priceless. And rest assured, I'll bring along the cameras and make sure I deliver it in person! Where is the gift? It's not a car or something heavy or inconvenient is it?

Uncle:
Give us a moment, I will take Mustafa to the bathroom -- he is shy about these things -- and ask him where he put it. Please, one moment.

[Uncle and Mustafa disappear backstage as we fade to commercial break]

[fade in, Oprah on couch]

Oprah:
Ok, while we wait for Mustafa's peace gift that I'll be delivering to the Israeli government, let me tell you that tomorrow, we'll be interviewing award winning Palestinian poet Aba Makir about his poetry for peace. And we'll obviously have a video update wtih more on my trip to the Knesset helping make Mustafa's wildest dreams of peace come true, a peace offering to the Israelis. Tune in won't you? Here they come now.

[Mustafa returns with his jacket off, Uncle carrying a brown paper-wrapped package the size of a loaf of bread, wrapped tight in string].

Uncle:
Here is our gift. It is a most special gift and should be opened only by... oh... say a cabinet meeting, or a Knesset session.

Oprah:
Ooooh, I like the sound of that. It'll make great video. Ooof this thing is heavy. What's in it?

Uncle:
Perhaps we can wait and not tell you yet so everyone can share the surprise when you show your special video? Everyone will find out tomorrow. Oh, and please don't let them x-ray it, that would ruin it. Film or something like that, you know.

Oprah:
Don't worry, no one is going to x-ray Oprah's olive branch offering between two peoples -- Mustafa's wildest dream! Mustafa, I'm sorry, that's all the time we have today. Thank you so much for being here, and thank you all for watching. Be sure to tune in tomorrow! Bye!

Oprah's Jenin Week (best read in order)
Day 1: Mothers
Day 2: Poet
Day 3: Go Girl
Day 4: Snitch
Day 5: Massacre
Epilogue: Exposed

Linked with thanks to Right Wing Nation, Blue Star Chronicles, Mark My Words and Third World County.

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