Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Protest 'Til You're Blue in the Face 

If you care about Sweet Mama Earth, and want to help her many diverse creatures live better, more secure lives -- at least the ones that don't deserve an immediate and painful death so they don't screw up EVERYTHING for the rest of us -- then please consider joining us for a peaceful protest next Tuesday in Central Square.

Who are we?

We are the "Association for the Elimination of Industrialized Oxygen Users (and sometimes Yachters)" -- don't worry, we don't want to eliminate liberals who only happen to own yachts for the tax breaks. But we're sure going after those resource-hogging Republican yachters who want nothing more than to see the world go up in FLAMES just so they can light their Cubans!

We at AEIOU and sometimes Y are deadly serious in our disavowal of any principle not entirely consonant with our overall goal of living in harmony with nature's oxygen tank. That is why we can no longer simply follow behind well-intentioned but misguided groups like PETA and NARAL that are laudibly whining about wonderful things, but they're missing the BIG PICTURE. We feel that under the LEADERSHIP of AEIOU and sometimes Y, all groups MUST unite and fight the same fight.

What do we stand for?

We stand for the UNITY of all the NON-EVIL people of the world in a more EFFECTIVE protest of what is really WRONG with this planet. Sure, there are already lots of good-hearted groups out there supporting beautiful causes, like encouraging abortion, assisting people to commit suicide, shutting down industrial activity, helping people who happen to be female not have any children, resisting the use of animals to help fight fatal human diseases, opposing the distasteful use of force by democracies, rubbing Cindy Sheehan's feet -- the list just goes ON and ON, and that's the problem. So many great organizations doing so much work, but they are all just fighting SYMPTOMS. At some point, SOMEONE has to bring all these people TOGETHER to work in harmony fighting the UNDERLYING PATHOLOGY of all these problems.

And that SOMEONE is US, AEIOU and sometimes Y! One night, out of a cloud of fragrant smoke, came the realization that all these SYMPTOMS would clear up OVERNIGHT if only industrialized oxygen users would just curl up and die. By industrialized, we mean to exclude photogenic indigenous peoples, the poor (anyone subsisting on less than 38% of the median gross income including subsidies), vegetarians, fur protesters, furry protesters, democratic voters, and, well, people like us. Wouldn't the world be a better place if all the rest of the people not like us, the ones wasting all the oxygen, could be FedEx-ed to Pluto? Well even a journey to Pluto starts with a single step, so come out to the AEIOU and sometimes Y PROTEST next Tuesday and HELP make it HAPPEN!!! K?

What should you bring?

--> 1. We plan on doing some SHOCK protest theatre, so please bring some props that will help illustrate how self-centered oxygen abusers are RUINING our PLANET. If you have a recently deceased pet, or one that looks a little sickly and you wouldn't mind snapping its neck, please bring the remains -- the cuter the better -- and please, if possible, a light spray painting of blue to make your deceased pet's face look a little anemic would be MOST helpful. Also, please bring plastic bags, electrical tape, lengths of chain, and padlocks, enough for yourself and to share with those less fortunate who don't have -- you'll need them for the protest's searing final act.

--> 2. Bring lots of photogenic signs and placards. A few tips:

If you paint them with your own blood the drippings make a great impression, but add a little red paint so the color photographs right. Make sure you mispell a few words because that always drives the right wingers CRAZY. If you bring more than one sign, design one that makes absolutely no sense, so it will make the others look just that much better in comparison.

Most importantly, make sure your slogans RHYME. Unfortunately, there aren't a lot of words that rhyme with oxygen:

Save the Oxygen! Destroy the Pentygen!
Deny Brad Oxygen! The bastard played Rent-a-Jen!

You see, it just doesn't work. So think ahead! Use O2 instead:

Preserve the Earth's O2! Nuke Bush so he'll GLOW too.

No, don't thank us, that's why we're here. Now get out those thick crayons and get to work.

--> 3. Bring lot's of drinking water and a hat -- we don't want haters making heat-stroke jokes.

--> 4. Come prepared with talking points for interactions with the media and passersby. Most importantly, be prepared to discuss what it is we want to accomplish:
What do we have planned?

We plan to start with a few hours of marching and networking, with time to stop for COFFEE and run errands before we really get started.

Next comes the THEATRICAL protests. First up is the parade of SUFFOCATED, oxygen-depleted pets, all dead because there isn't enough air left for them and us. This is where you pull out your dead puppies and kittens and march them around, preferably with little children WEEPING at your side.

Finally we reach the CRESCENDO, the piece of resistance, our final, central symbolic protest. Each of us will SHOW the world the effect of industrialized oxygen users on Mama Earth's ecosystem by donning air-tight plastic bags over our heads and fastening them with electrical tape and CHAINS and PADLOCKS. The world will quickly see -- and UNDERSTAND -- what using up all the oxygen in a small ecosystem -- like Earth, or an AIRLESS PLASTIC BAG -- can do. Anyone who forgets to bring their plastic bag will hold up signs saying "Imagine if there were bunny rabbits in there" just to make sure everyone really gets how IMPORTANT this is.

And if you're not an AEIOU and sometimes Y supporter yet -- top positions may be opening up! -- come anyway. Witness and LEARN. But please, PLEASE, don't try and stop us.


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