AbbaGav

Friday, May 12, 2006

The Newlywed Game -- Arabian Nights

Host:

Hi, I'm Bob Eubanks and this is a special Arabian Nights edition of the Newlywed Game filmed right here on location in the Honeymoon Capital of the United Arab Emirates, Dubai.

Host:

Our contestants tonight have been selected from honeymooners staying at local hotels. Let's quickly meet them and then we'll get started.

Host:

Starting on the left, our first...hmmm, I can't say couple exactly, but our first newlyweds are Ali and his three lovely brides.

Ali:

It's four brides Bob, I have four wives. It's just that someone had to stay behind at home to feed the animals, so we left Fatima--

Fatima:

No, I'm right here!

Ali:

Oh, Oops, I meant Laila--

Laila:

Nope, I'm over here.

Ali:

Right. Uh, Yasmin? (silence) Right, Yasmin stayed behind while I vacation with Fatima, Laila and... oh, it's right on the tip of my tongue...old Whatsername over here.

Nur:

Nur.

Host:

So which of these lovely, lovely ladies is the newlywed? Or did you just marry them all?

Ali:

Oh no, no, I marry them one at a time. No, my newest bride is, uh...

Laila:

Me.

Ali:

Right, it's...her.

Laila:

Laila.

Ali:

Exactly.

Host:

Welcome to the show Ali, Laila, Nur and Fatima. Our next family unit, joining us from the exotic Persian shores of Iran is Mullah Rashid and his two lovely brides -- it is two isn't it?

Rashid:

Oh yes. To my left is Aisha. She's a little shy, doesn't really want to talk much -- pity they didn't cover more English in school before I had her quit after the wedding.

Host:

Wow, Aisha you look so young you could have left school just this week.

Rashid:

No, actually she quit about a year ago now. No big deal though really, what does my wife need that they teach in 7th grade?

Host:

7th grade? Aisha is old enough to marry?

Rashid:

Oh she's 13 now. But don't worry, I had my brother's permission. It's all on the up and up as you say. Anyway, she's not even the newest bride in the family.

Host:

She's not? You mean...well, the woman on the other side of you, in the red dress that looks like it's seen more than a few back seats?

Rashid:

Ha, yes indeed. I married Chantilly Cinnamon here on a 3 week contract just yesterday -- only for the vacation of course -- a muta marriage. Oh is she a handful, let me tell you.

Host:

Please don't. Let's move on to our next couple, a truly idealistic Palestinian couple, Mohammed and Wafa Yassin.

Mohammed:

Thank you. It is good to be here on your decadent Western program, and may Allah the Merciful allow us to kick some butt here so we can apply our winnings to the eternal Jihad of Hamas.

Wafa:

Eubanks. Sounds Jewish to me. That's not the name of a Jew is it? -- may the River Jordon run red with their AIDS-tainted blood.

Host:

What kind of question is that? Did Michael Moore send you? You can tell your no good, overweight pal that Eubanks only falls for his Jewish routine once. But best of luck to you. Lastly, cowering over there in the corner is the Templetons, Larry and Ethel, from Milwaukee Wisconsin. You two sure have travelled far from home to be here today.

Larry:

Uhh yeeeah, you see, we really shouldn't be here, if it's all the same to you. We just won this honeymoon -- second honeymoon -- in a raffle to celebrate our 15th anniversary -- didn't even know Dubai wasn't a suburb of Chicago -- and BAM here we are. Ha ha. Yeah, really kind of funny actually. And then you see, they asked us in the hotel lobby if we'd like to do a game show. Well, Ethel does love her bingo, so we said yes, not really thinking they meant be ON a GAME SHOW. So could we just take a rain check and go home now? Maybe do the show when it's a little closer to home, like an episode live from Oshkosh or Oconomowoc.

Host:

That's great stuff, Larry, I always love having a kidder on the show.

Ethel:

Larry doesn't kid.

Host:

Either way, let's get started. Now, I have to apologize in advance but we've had to kind of speed the show up a little bit today -- the hall we're using was double booked and we have to be out of here pronto before the Port Security Hacks, Tips and Tricks Convention rolls in -- so we took the liberty of having staffers quiz each of our newlyweds in isolation before the show began so we can start checking their guesses against their spouses' answers right away. Ok gentlemen, we start with you. What do you think your sweetie said is the most outrageous thing you've ever shouted out in bed? Ali?

Ali:

Oh, well, it must have been something like "Praise be to Allah for feminine virtue and male virility!"

Host:

Wow, such eloquence in the heat of the moment. Commendable I'm sure Ali, but I'm sorry, your wife -- or one of them at least -- said you were shouting "Feed that great hairy camel, baby, c'mon now!".

Ali:

Who told you that? I swear on my mother's armpit I never...

Nur:

You did so! Don't you remember? You were on your knees and I--

Ali:

Whatever, useless details about things that never even allegedly happened don't interest me! Let's move on, Bob, please!

Host:

Ok, Mullah Rashid: What is the most outrageous thing you've ever shouted out in bed?

Rashid:

"Honey! More pork rhinds!" No, no, I kid. It would have to be "Show me your homework baby, show me that homework!"

Chantilly:

Homework! You stupid numbskull, you call yourself a holy man? Hello-o-o? I'm your new bride, remember? You couldn't possibly have already forgotten last night, when you were yelling, "Put your [bleeeeep] up there and [bleeeeeep] you infidel [bleeeeeep]ing [bleeep] [bleeeeeeeeeeeeeep]!!"

Host:

Owwww, that's gotta hurt. Ok, Chantilly, remember: "religion of peace" so go easy on him all right. Mohammed, how about you? Anything come to mind? Something you yelled out in bed?

Mohammed:

Well... I don't know...

Host:

C'mon, just between us, it'll be our little secret.

Mohammed:

It must have been "Allahu Akbar!!! There is no God but Allah and Mohammed is his Prophet!!!"

Wafa:

Ohhh, you got that right, baby, my own personal sexy Mohammed!!

Host:

Well done you two, that's five points. And Larry, what about you?

Larry:

Oh, I'd really rather not. Ethel always says I'm not very... it's just that... well, ok there was one time, I think I must have said something like... "Oh Good Lord!! Sweet Mother of God!! I think I pulled a back muscle!!"

Ethel:

(huge smile) That's my big boy!!

Host:

Well played Templetons, five points for you as well. Now, before we move on to the final question which we asked our husbands off stage earlier, let's have Melinda Cartier show us the prize you're all playing for. Melinda?

Melinda:

Thanks Bob, our lucky winning...couple...will enjoy the perfect second honeymoon -- or third or fourth as the case may be -- a fabulous, all expenses paid trip to... scenic AFGHANISTAN (some insurance not included). You'll spend five amazing days and nights riding authentic donkeys, sightseeing at Mullah Omar's actual palace, scrabbling up steep mountains and cliffs, and sleeping in caves.

Ali:

Oohhh, Melinda, you are one hot sequined Mama. Why don't you marry me and I'll take you home with us, introduce you to Yasmin...

Melinda:

That's so sweet of you Ali, I'm really flattered but... but don't you already have your full set of four wives?

Ali:

Aw, I can take care of that, don't you worry.. Mohammed, Mullah Rashid, you guys watching? Ok, [turns to Nur] Nur, I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you. Heck, that's so easy I could do it in my sleep. Now then, Melinda, where were we?

Melinda:

Uh, You'll have to talk to my agent I think.

Host:

Can we move along now folks? Although I think this is probably the first divorce we've ever seen on the Newlywed Game. Melinda, can we scrape up some Turtle Wax as a departing gift for Nur? Now then, our final question. Wives, we asked your husbands: what's your record for the most number of times your wife has had to perform her wifely duties in a single week? Let's start on the left. Ladies?

Fatima:

Ok, let me see...

Laila:

No I'll take this one. I do most of the cooking after all. Let me see. With four -- I mean three -- wives, that's a lot of meals. Hmmm, there are the breakfasts, but Ali takes weekday lunch at the office. Then again Yasmin always wants a late dinner so... ok... carry the three... that would be 58!

Host:

Ohhhh, I'm sorry Laila.

Ali:

It was 59! How could you forget the time I brought my boss home for dinner and had you make...

Laila:

Oh no! You're right, I'm so sorry.

Host:

Don't worry Laila, you have the rest of your honeymoon to apologize, but we only have about two more minutes to wrap up the show before U.S. Homeland Security's worst nightmare rolls in here. How about you guys, Chantilly?

Chantily:

Well, we haven't actually been married for a whole week yet, but it doesn't really matter, Rashid doesn't actually want me to touch him. I just put on a little show and he yells a lot. So, I'd have to say zero.

Rashid:

No, no that's not right. She is not telling the truth, the lying little tramp. It was at least three, three for sure, maybe four. She is just trying to make me look bad before I go back unless I pay her more dowry. Well it's not going to work, do you hear me? The contract is already written and you won't get a penny more!

Chantilly:

Really? Well in that case this might be a good time for me to mention the secret compartments in his suitcases that...

Rashid:

Silence you beguiling she-devil! We'll talk, all right?

Host:

That gives you a final point total of zero as well Mullah Rashid, leaving you in a tie for dead last with Ali. But remember, you leave with the best parting gift in the world -- your dear wives. Ok, Wafa, give it your best shot.

Wafa:

Well, I am pretty good with wifely duties you know. I can fill and fuse the Molotovs in about a minute, so I would say it was the time Mohammed protested at the Israeli checkpoint and then did the takeover salary protest of the Interior Ministry in the same week. About 35 I think.

Mohammed:

I wish not to show my answer out of embarrasment that I misinterpreted the question, and shame as I realize I lack Wafa's complete devotion to Hamas and Jihad and the endless physical struggle and resistance. Can you forgive me Wafa?

Wafa:

Oh, of course you big lug. Let's go home and wire some explosives.

Host:

Ok you two lovebirds, that leaves you still with five points and tied with the Templetons. Larry and Ethel, that Afghanistan vacation is yours for the taking. Ethel, get this one right and you finish with ten points, alone in first place.

Larry:

No, Ethel, please, for the love of God and mashed potatoes, do NOT...

Host:

Larry, please, no coaching now.

Ethel:

[Larry shaking his head and blinking at her] Well, Larry really always says he prefers quality over quantity, whatever that means. So let me see, that would be the week we first got married, fifteen years ago on our original honeymoon. So the answer WOULD be a half, except I think Larry wants me to pad the statistics a little bit so I'll say one and a half. [Larry rolls his eyes and shows his card before wacking her with it].

Host:

That's right! The two of you have just won a fabulous, romantic vacation for two in Afghanistan.

Larry:

How could you? I told you to...

Ethel:

I did, I added one remember. I don't want to sleep in a cave any more than...

Larry:

No, but, but don't you remember, after the half, there WAS another whole one. Oh Ethel!

Ethel:

Larry, whatever happens after I'm asleep doesn't count officially. I can't be expected to...

Host:

Ok, the guys in the masks with the Powerpoint presentations and shipping containers are giving me the gesture so we have to sign off now. But first, lets send these two off on their second honeymoon.

Larry:

Third.

Host:

Right. So, security, will you please escort them to the waiting limo that will whisk them off to the airport for their whirlwind romantic vacation?

Ethel:

What about our luggage? My nightgown, the humidifier?

Host:

Don't worry about that, your shirpa guides will have everything you need -- a rug to sleep on, a fresh pair of sandals -- and best of all, it's completely paid for.

Larry:

Jesus, Mary and the Seven Dwarves, I beg of you, please don't do this to us.

Ethel:

Ixnay on the EzusJay Larry, you'll just make it worse.

Host:

That's all for today's show, we'll see you next week from beautiful North Korea when the Newlywed Game goes Juche! Until then, bye now!

==========

NOTES:

Origins of Larry Templeton: video.

Marriage age and temporary marriage in Iran -- 1 2 3 4

Common sense: Most Iranians and Muslims in general do not take multiple wives, nor do they marry young girls. But polygamy is an official part of Sharia and of the culture of Iranian and other Islamic states. The point here is not to criticize Iranians or Muslims -- in fact, I empathize with what this system puts them through, especially women -- but to remind people there are still states in the world where women are married off as property and that refuse to raise their minimum legal age of marriage for girls higher than nine. Even multicultural, relativist sensitivity should not be enough to desensitize one to the absolute wrongness of a system that allows the marrying off of nine year old girls so long as the very fathers who are marrying them off give consent. If however you are inclined to see only Islamophobia here at AbbaGav, then I suggest you interpret this piece instead as nothing more than a ringing indictment of the cultural bias and insensitivity of American gameshows, all of which are so blindly focused on monogamy that they ignore entire other cultural worldviews that do not share that monogamous fixation.

The Game Show Series: