Thursday, March 16, 2006
Hollywood Squares -- 15th Minute Edition
Spade:
Hello everyone, welcome to this very special Andy Warhol Memorial, 15th Minute Edition of the Hollywood Squares. I'm your 12th minute host, David Spade. Today we have two contestants who are desperately clutching their last Warhol minute like little sand lice clinging for dear life to my good buddy Mohammed's beard. 
Spade:
Am I dead yet? Hey, C'mon now. I was just tweakin' ya to see if anyone's paying attention. But if you're the sort who enjoys a little religiously inspired violence from time to time, remember, I'm just a PARODY of David Spade, not the real thing. So make sure you only burn me in EFFIGY. Great, now that we've got that little point cleared up... On my left is a young lady whose debut nude performance in her own pre-natal ultrasound video is still wowing internet downloaders. She has scandalized camcorders and puzzled interviewers alike with her unique combination of looks and... and... well, her looks. Please welcome, Paris Hilton. Paris, go ahead and strike a pose for the good folks at home.
Spade:
And on my right, the man better known as Britney's ex-...KFed:
Dude, what are you talking about? We're still cool.Spade:
Oh, pardon me. Britney's "not-yet-ex," KFad.KFed:
That's KFed, but I hate that name. "Kevin Federline" is keepin' it real, a lyrical stylist and artiste.Spade:
I'll make a note of that, Artiste-Formally-Known-As-KFed. Moving right along, I'm skipping the introduction of our panel of world leaders which for most of us is totally unnecessary anyway. But since the producers don't want to send our two contestants into a state of toxic confusion in these their final fleeting femtoseconds of fame, I'll just point out that none of our squares are maitre-d' at Spago, nor can they score you entry to the VIP room at the Conga Club.
Spade:
Paris Hilton, the judges have told me, in breathtaking detail, how you won the coin toss earlier backstage -- and since today's judges are all Al Jazeera journalists, whew, that really blew me away. Before we begin, though, I just have one brief announcement: there'll be another coin toss in my dressing room after the show. In the meantime, Paris, you've won the right to play the XXXs -- oddly enough -- so please choose the first square.Paris:
Ok, hmmm. Let's see. I'll take that guy way over there in the bottom left, the one with the over-conditioned hair.Spade:
You mean Dominique De Villepen?Paris:
Dominique? She's a she? Oops, sorry Dominique, you looked like a guy to me. But I love your name -- it's hot, even though your face might even beat Cindy Sheehan's in an Ugliest Horse contest. "Dominique" -- I like it, sounds like a porno name -- Spade:
Paris! Dominique, the French Prime Minister, is a man.Paris:
Whatever. Hey, Dominique, get yourself a sex change and some plastic surgery and I'll hook you up with my agent.De Villepen:
Why, Paree, you are much, much, much too kind.Spade:
Ohhh-kay. Dominique, British Prime Minister Tony Blair has said that a minor nuclear explosion would be good for one particular task. What is it?De Villepen:
Zat would be ze task of following American orders and proving he is President Bush's obedient lap-dog.Paris:
Oh I do love lap-dogs so I agree. David:
Ohh, I'm sorry Paris, the answer we were looking for was to wake his wife. We'll have to put a KFed circle there. Ok, KFed, your turn.KFed:
It's Federline, man, Federline. I'll take the constipated looking guy above Dominque Wilkins.
David:
Right, Vice President Dick Cheney. Excellent choice. Now, Mr. Vice President, this question regards your secret admirer, Michael Moore, so please don't shoot me -- see how clever I am, plugging my old show and flogging a worn out hunting joke at the same time? Oh yeah. Now, your pal Michael has said he's never seen a certain something in his entire life. What is it?Cheney:
That would be his feet, I believe. (glares at audience, apparently trying to will them to laugh) Er, no, seriously, Michael Moore has never seen a black car salesman.KFed:
Whoa there, you're so prejudiced, dawg! David, I have to disagree with the Vice Principal as a matter of gangsta conscience. Besides, that Columbian Bowling dude is so porked out, I think there's a few things besides his feet he ain't never seen. So I have to disagree with this racist, fo shizzle.David:
Actually, your "racist" was right; Michael Moore did claim he's never seen a black car salesman. I have to put the lovely, the talented Miss Hilton's X there instead. Miss Hilton, you're up.Paris:
Oooh let's see. How about the ugly old Chinese guy with the dead rodent glued on top of his head.
Kim:
Not Chinese, Korean! And this is in fact my own all-natural, luxuriously Juche hair, not the imperialist aggressor-style fake ferret you are used to young lady.David:
Easy big fella, save your powder, you're going to need it for this: Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet. Why?Kim:
Your so-called question is so simple-minded, my supremely socialist brain almost resists answering, but to display the superiority of the Songun intellect, I will humor you. It is obviously to keep from confusing the uneducated peasant housekeepers, so they won't accidentally clean the toilet with the brush that is for cleaning the floor-tiles.Paris:
Yeah, he's right of course, I've had trouble with that one too.David:
Maybe that's the right answer at the Hilton Hotel on planet North Korea, but here on Earth, the reason is to avoid contact with airborne particles from the flush. And Paris, before you drop by for the after-show coin-flip, give me just a second to hide my toothbrush, mkay? We'll have to place one of KFed's O's there, giving the artiste a clear path to victory and an opportunity to send us all home early.KFed:
Uh, I forgot to pick the center square last time. Everybody told me that's the best square.
David:
You mean the President of the United States.KFed:
No, my posse told me that, I've never met the President.David:
All righty then, nice job avoiding the chance for easy victory. Riddle me this, President BushHitlerMcHalliburtonMcMonkeyMcBean: the hip hop artist Jadakiss, who once lyrically accused you of having knocked down the towers, was originally a member of which of the following rap groups: a) Mobb Deep, b) The Lost Boys, c) Wu-Tang Clan, or d) The Lox?POTUS:
Bein' from Texas an' all, I'm not so hip with this rap and hip hop business. Heck, If I'd known part of the job of President of the United States was to get quizzed on stuff this, I woulda told the minions not to bother stealing the election from that rap-lovin' gangsta Kerry -- just jokin' folks, just jokin' with ya'll. But I'll have to say the answer is d, the Lox.KFed:
I so disagree! You gotta remember there's no way an uncool white dude is gonna know how it was back in the day. It has to be Wu Tang, my man, Wu Tang, not a bunch of smelly salmon.David:
KFed, did you ever consider that maybe the uncool white dude might have been FED THE ANSWER, and that maybe the ripoff rapper artiste might not know JACK? It's The Lox. Paris, your X takes the square. and you're up with a chance to win.Hilton:
Thrilling. I'll take the old man in the bottom right to block, David.
Spade:
You don't want to go for the win? You want Secretary Rumsfeld to block?Hilton:
Oh, he's a secretary? That's an odd job for a geezer, but actually, he's got a bit of that rich grandfather thing working, and that's kind of hot, so yeah, sure, why not?Spade:
Very well, who am I to suggest strategy to a scion of the Hilton chain? Secretary Rumsfeld, name the state in which you would expect to find most terrorists.Rumsfeld:
Wait, this is a question from Al Jazeera judges? Don't you mean insurgents or activists or something? Spade:
Nope, definitely terrorists. Your answer please, name the state in which you would expect to find the most terrorists.Rumsfeld:
Well I certainly hope it would be Rigor Mortis.Paris:
Where is Rigor Mortis? Seriously, I never heard of that country.Spade:
Agree or disagree, don't just let the vacuum whistle through your ears. Your answer please... Paris:
Oh, I'll agree.Spade:
No, I'm sorry, our Al Jazeera judges say it's the so-called state of Israel. But according to the rules I can't put an "O" there KFed, you have to earn the winning square yourself. Go ahead K, you know there's only one choice, you're up.KFed:
Ok, man, I'll take the two swarthy looking dudes to block.
Spade:
What else COULD you do -- aside from go for the victory. Very well, Mr. Abbas, Mr. Haniyeh, name a species that can sleep for three years.Haniyeh:
Senator Kennedy.Abbas:
Excuse me, but I'm still in charge here, and I will give the answers.Haniyeh:
Ha! Ok, go ahead old man.Abbas:
Teddy Kennedy.Kennedy:
What? What? Is it time to announce I'm not running already?Spade:
No, don't worry Senator, go back to sleep. Der Flederline, what do you say?KFed:
Me? Uh, I know I can sleep at least a few months after a good binge, so judging by the color of that dude's nose, I'm down with it.Spade:
Well I hope you're down with this, my man, ENNNNHHHH. Wrong answer. I'm afraid we were looking for the apple snail. Yes, the apple snail. But that was a good guess, or at least it was a guess. Can't put the X there. Paris, care to go for the victory?Paris:
Ok, I'll take the secretary to block again!Spade:
Of course you will. Secretary Rumsfeld, if Ted Kennedy took a shot glass of vodka and tossed it back over his shoulder, what was he probably trying to do?Rumsfeld:
Get it in his mouth.Spade:
Paris, what do you say?Paris:
Oh, yeah, we used to do vodka shots all the time too; they're wicked, but hot. I'll agree.Spade:
No, much as I'd love to agree with you, Senator Kennedy would be attempting to celebrate a Russian wedding. I'm sorry, can't put the O there either. KFed, c'mon homey we're counting on you.KFed:
I'll take tweedle-dee and tweedle-dum to block!Spade:
Arggh. I'd tear my hair out except it's so expensive to replace. Ok, let's get this one over with guys. Bill Clinton -- yes you Bill so don't give away the answer -- once asked "What's a man got to do to get in the top fifty?" The top fifty what?Abbas:
The Top Fifty --Haniyeh:
Shut up. You had your chance. Now sit back and watch how things should really be done. The answer is the top fifty US Presidents.KFed:
Makes sense.Spade:
Dude, there haven't even been fifty US Presidents yet. The answer is the journalist survey of the top 50 most significant stories of the previous century, in which Monica-gate finished a distant 53rd.Clinton:
Hey Paris, want to give it a go? C'mon babe, I'm sure we could do better than 53rd!Paris:
Hi Bill. I am still considering your offer about being the official spokesmodel for your Presidential library. It's just that I met a few of the other girls who said you told them they were in the running too, and I'm not interested in wasting my time.Clinton:
Aw, don't listen to them honey. Anytime you want to drop by my office, you know I always keep a spot open on the desk calendar for you -- I love doing it on that calendar. Like I tell everybody, I'll always have Paris. By the way, David, can you send somebody up here to empty the garbage cans? It smells like something died up here, and it looks like the smell is really getting to Osama.Spade:
I'll get right on it. Look, kids, I'm running out of patience. Somebody, please, finish this thing off. It would be a mercy killing. Paris, please, for the love of Gucci, help me.Paris:
I'll take Grampa Rumsfeld to block again.Spade:
All right that's it. I'm not sitting here while another Godfry episode unfolds on my watch. You two enjoy your long walk back to the real world. I'm out.Kennedy:
Is that it? Is it over? But the party was just getting started! Can I offer anybody a ride? Paris?Linked to: Third World County, Right Wing Nation, Don Surber, Imagine Kitty and NIF
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