Friday, April 14, 2006

Future Headline: ElBaradei appeals for more time after nuclear "tragedy" 

(not-too-distant future)
AbbaGav News

ElBaradei Appeals For More Time

In the wake of last week's apparent nuclear annihilation of two major cities, Mohammed ElBaradei, the head of the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA), has appealed to the United States and its allies for more time to determine the cause of the massive explosions which killed millions. Iran, meanwhile, amplified its initial claims of responsibility, showing previously unreleased videos of the two explosions on state-run television and promising more attacks within days if key demands were not met.

Speaking from his Geneva bunker, Nobel Laureate ElBaradei repeated his recent position that he could not yet confirm that Iran had enriched Uranium to sufficient levels as it had claimed. ElBaradei further reiterated that the exact situation regarding Iran's nuclear program is "not very clear" and called for patience from the rapidly assembling US-led coalition.

"If we could prove conclusively, through some sort of 'smoking gun' that the Iranians had indeed crossed the nuclear threshhold perhaps a credible threat of force could be voted on in the UN Security Council's meetings next month," said ElBaradei. As it is the exact cause of the "apparently simultaneous nuclear tragedies" remains in dispute, according to the nuclear watchdog. For instance, he explained, "without inspections, it will be nearly impossible to determine whether Iran has achieved enrichment on its own, or whether it is being supplied with pre-made warheads from an unknown third party." ElBaradei was clear that making the distinction "will require additional time, funding and goodwill from all parties."

ElBaradei implored the Iranians to return to the negotiating table to discuss the release of all IAEA employees currently being held hostage. He also called on Iran to "suspend any further Uranium enrichment, if there indeed has been any," and restrict itself to "supplies on hand as a good faith gesture." The most important thing, according to ElBaradei, is that all parties "make their best effort to resolve this through peaceful means."

European diplomats speaking with ElBaradei also revealed new intelligence indicating that Iran was still 10 years away from attaining a nuclear bomb, so "the obliterated cities must have been destroyed by something or someone else." The diplomats were "confident that despite Iran's bravado and posturing, their statements claiming responsibility for the 'nuclear attacks' cannot be taken at face value."

Spokesmen in all major European capitals, with the obvious exception, echoed ElBaradei's calls for more time to let "diplomacy take its course."

Linked with thanks to Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns, Stop the ACLU, Third World County and Point Five.

Technorati Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

If you really, really liked this -- or even really, really hated it -- there's lots more: