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Thursday, May 25, 2006

Oprah's Jenin Week -- Day 4: Snitch 

Oprah:
Welcome back to our fourth historic day coming to you directly from the lovely city of Jenin--

Crowd:
Jenin!!!!!! We love you Oprah!!

Oprah:
Thank you. Thank you so much. Ok, Let's get right to our first guest so we'll have enough time left for me to go upside a certain someone's head before we finish. Today I want to focus on the heroism of a very special group of conscientious Palestinians who cannot remain silent in the face of the evil they see.

Crowd:
Allah Akbar!! Takbir!!! Stop the Occu--

Oprah:
That's right, I'm talking about the courageous Palestinian informers who help Israel keep suicide bombers out of its kindergartens.

Crowd:
[cough]

Oprah:
When these brave souls see attacks being planned -- attacks with explosives, targeting civilians -- they speak up, notifying authorities about the potential violence, and saving lives.

Crowd:
[murmering]

Oprah:
We have one such courageous Palestinian here with us today. This humble hero doesn't want to take credit by name, and has even asked to appear lit only from behind and using a pseudonym, but he's willing to share a little bit of his amazing story with us. Please welcome a man we'll just call Abdul AbDULLAHHHHHHH!



Oprah:
"Abdul" thanks for joining us. I so admire what you do. Saving lives, whistle-blowing if you will.

Abdul:
Wow, well, thank you. I'm not used to such kind words. That sounds a lot nicer than Snitch or Knife Magnet.

Oprah:
Abdul, life's just too short to waste time worrying about all that negative energy coming from all the jealous people and haters that surround us.

Abdul:
Actually, that's coming from my friends.

Oprah:
Oh. Well, if it's your friends, it's got to be out of love. Remember that. It must simply be out of concern for your well-being, that you not get hurt by one of the terrorists before you can turn them in. Believe me, you deserve only kind words, hero.

Abdul:
Well, I guess.

Oprah:
I'll tell you what Mr. Sad Sack, after the show, you give me the numbers of these friends of yours and I'll call 'em up and set 'em all straight! A hero shouldn't have to put up with negativity. If they hear the good word from Oprah, that should be enough to set them back on the straight and narrow.

Abdul:
That's ok. Please. Don't.

Oprah:
No, I mean it. Meanwhile, why don't we let our audience in on some of the details of your incredible story. You were at your cousin Marwan's house...

Abdul:
Well, let's call him something else though...

Oprah:
Ok, so your cousin, Ismail, is talking on his cellphone one day when he thinks you can't hear, and what does he say?

Abdul:
Well, I don't want to go into too much detail...

Oprah:
...about the nail bomb, and the target in Netanya, and how your cousin was supposed to drop the bomb off near the neighborhood school for pickup?

Abdul:
Yeah, those would be the identifying details I really didn't want to go into.

Oprah:
Abdul, if you've got a light you can't hide it; you owe it to the world to let it shine. This is such emotionally powerful stuff. And then...when he saw you and clearly realized what you'd overheard, that was your moment of truth, am I right?

Abdul:
Well, yes, he looked pretty upset.

Oprah:
So what did you do?

Abdul:
I...I volunteered to go get a bag of nails -- for the bomb, you know -- only I went out and called the Israelis instead.

Oprah:
And what made you do that? A reverence for the innate goodness in all of us? The power of love? Why did you call the Israelis?

Abdul:
I can't tell you how many times I've asked myself that same question. Sometimes I'm not even sure why myself, other than the money, jobs and free housing.

Oprah:
So what happened next? They confiscated your cousin's bomb making supplies?

Abdul:
Well, no, my cousin blew himself up as the soldiers came to the door. The Israelis took the blame for it in the end.

Oprah:
Ah, that's how they preserved your cover?

Abdul:
No, no the Israelis are normally blamed after work-accidents anyway, but it certainly was convenient.

Oprah:
Well Abdul that was amazing. And now I have a little surprise for you. You may not watch the show much, so you probably don't know I do this, but I love to bring a little joy into people's lives and you are certainly someone who deserves some joy. So -- can we bring up the lights, let's do this right -- we've bought you a brand new Pontiac with detachable luggage rack, GPS tracking, and automatic garage door opener!



Oprah:
Abdul, what do you have to say?

Abdul:
Oh my! It doesn't come with bullet proof glass, does it? You can't do this!

Oprah:
Oh, yes I can do this, I don't think you realize how much money and power I have. I could buy you hundreds of these and not even notice. In fact, let's give him two more, just for the fun of it -- but the one with the bullet proof glass is mine, Mr. Greedy Pants.

Abdul:
No...please...Allah have mercy, I'm going to die.

Oprah:
Abdul, everybody says they're going to die, but believe me, I've given away a lot of loot, and you're NOT going to die. We even keep an emergency medical crew on hand just in case somebody gets too excited when I give stuff away. Just keep reminding yourself that you DESERVE this. We all do, don't we?! Abdul? Abdul? Where'd Abdul go?

[sound of receding footsteps running down the hallway and then an exernal door slamming.]

Oprah:
Hmmm, ok, let's move on then. We'll make sure Abdul gets his cars. You may remember a few days ago we had a young man on the show named Mustafa. Mustafa and his uncle gave us what they claimed was a gift of peace to deliver on their behalf to the Israeli government. As you probably know by now, I tried to do just that, but touchy Israeli security wouldn't let us through their checkpoint carrying the gift. I was livid until I found out that somehow a bomb had made its way into the gift I was given to deliver. So I've brought Mustafa back to have a little chat with the young man. Mustafa, welcome back.

Mustafa:
Thank you.

Oprah:
Mustafa, did you know there was a bomb in that gift?

Mustafa:
A what? A bum?

Oprah:
Aha. So you had no idea. You don't even seem to know what a bomb is. So it was your uncle who put the bomb in the gift?

Mustafa:
Uncle, bum, yes.

Oprah:
And he's not even your uncle, is he Mustafa?

Mustafa:
You knew?

Oprah:
C'mon Mustafa, give me a break. You don't get to be the richest woman in the world by walking around with your eyes closed.

Mustafa:
I am not a woman! Why do you insult my family's honor?

Oprah:
I just mean that it is obvious to anyone with half a brain that your so-called uncle is using you.

Mustafa:
May I go now? I have to meet other uncle at border crossing. Can't be late.

Oprah:
Ok Mustafa. But first, take these "Power of Positive Thought" pamphlets. I just want to help keep you out of trouble my young friend.

Mustafa:
No worries. Uncles only ask what Allah wants. I don't wear belt this time.

Oprah:
Good. As long as you have love in your heart, that is the greatest power in the world. "Ask and you shall receive" it says in the Good Book, without mentioning anything about explosives. And I don't believe in a God that wastes His time worrying about who collects the taxes. Hey, I was raised a Baptist and I was sitting in church and heard that God is a jealous God. I asked, "Why?" Come on. Get over this whole jealous God stuff! Seek my loving God instead.

Mustafa:
There is only Allah, the one true God. There is no other God.

Oprah:
Allah, God whatever. Tell me, do you believe in love?

Mustafa:
Love? Yes, somewhere there is virgin or two for Mustafa.

Oprah:
Well if you believe in love then you believe in God. The same God I believe in, whatever you want to call him. And that God cares a lot more about what's in your heart than what you can blow up in His name. Do you understand what I'm telling you?

Mustafa:
You say I should make sure blowing things up for Allah is truly in my heart, or I don't get full credit. Thank you that is--

Oprah:
No, no, Mustafa. Please. Read the pamphlet. And if you have any questions, here is a card with my friend Dr. Phil's toll free hotline number. Ok everybody, that's all for today. We'll see you tomorrow as we explore and learn a little more about this great city, Jenin.

Oprah's Jenin Week (best read in order)
Day 1: Mothers
Day 2: Poet
Day 3: Go Girl
Day 4: Snitch
Day 5: Massacre
Epilogue: Exposed

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