Saturday, January 07, 2006

Ask an Imam: Preventing Promiscuity at Hamas High 

Ok, technically, I'm not exactly an Imam -- I'm more of a pro-Israel Jewish blogger, but let's not get bogged down in the details. Still, I've been wallowing in this whole Clash of Civilizations thing for a few years now, and I've got nothing but cynicism left, so I figured I'd harness that energy to pitch in and answer a few questions. Plus, I didn't really feel like spending my evening mining for bias in newswire photographs of Hadassah Hospital spokesmen and people reading newspapers at hospital bus-stops.

So let's get to the questions.

Q: Imam, I'm seventeen and I'm still, like, a virgin, you know? And so, I read that Yassir Arafat was just made, like, a Shahid, right? So I was thinking, like, maybe I would, you know, sleep with my boyfriend, just to play it safe, cuz you never know, you know? What do you think?

-- A. Virgin, Hamas High

A: While I'm not really the Imam you're expecting, still, I'm pretty sure I can help you out on this one. Let me reassure you, you need not fear an eternity of whisker burn. Our revered martyr, the man who led us from irrelevance to defeat and back again -- and with such a sense of style -- he is indeed entitled to his carnal reward. However, I'm almost certain you are not the kind of hyena that makes our Beloved Tiger, and noted man among men, roar -- as in this world, so in the next.

So you see, your worry of becoming just another mare in Yassir's eternal stable of 72, is misguided. What you should be worried about is the possibility that your parents have found out you wrote this letter and suspect you of planning to besmirch the family honor.

Thanks for a great question, and I hope everything works out with your parents.

Q: My boyfriend is a really holy boy, and he knows a ton of stuff. So anyway, he told me that there is an Islamic concept that the prophet (pbuh -- peace be upon him) called a 'down-payment', and since he fully intends to someday blow himself up in a crowd of Jews (dbut -- death be upon them), that this holy precept applies to him. So my question is, am I obligated to give him a down-payment on his future, sacred reward? Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he deserves it. Just wanted to ask.

-- Curious in Kalkilya

A: Such noble children, it warms my heart to receive questions such as these.

Of course, ideally, your boyfriend should blow himself up immediately. Why put off until tomorrow what you can murder today? But I understand that he may be apprehensive about his ability to fully enjoy his reward if his body is blown to pieces, and therefore wishes to enjoy the fruits of victory before the pregame show has even started.

Please reassure him that he can indeed make love to his virgins, even when his pulverized body lies in bloody little chunks, for the power of Allah is great in all things. Perhaps you can ease his fears by offering to help, perhaps by smuggling explosives past a checkpoint in your underwear before joining him in a two-pronged attack. It's a great way to help build an eternal relationship.

Q: I'm an Allah-fearing girl, virtuous in all ways, and eager to sacrifice everything so that the Jews will die-die-die. That said, my boyfriend told me his Imam said that because he voted for Hamas this qualifies him for some sort of Shahid-in-Training program, and thus he is entitled to one virgin right away. I want to help support the cause, but I'm confused. What should I do?

-- Buffy, Sheik Yassin Vocational Institute of Cosmetology and Veils

A: Ah, the Shahid-in-Training program, I remember it like it was yesterday -- that's how I met my second wife, you know. A fine program indeed.

However, you should be asking yourself why he insists on milking the cow without buying it when Islam so wisely allows him, through the marriage rite of misyar, to purchase the cow without even having to provide it a stable or feed it any hay.

Just to be clear, you are the cow that he wishes to milk. His refusal to take buy the cow (you) is his preference to milk outside of marriage. Since misyar provides him the opportunity to marry you with almost no financial commitment whatsoever, his reluctance indicates this horny Hamas voter is probably a marriage-phobic flake of Seinfeld-ian proportions (that's pre-Jessica, sitcom-Seinfeld). You are probably wise to keep this shahid-in-training on probation until he starts talking either dowries or explosives.

In the meantime, did I mention to you how I voted in the last election?

If you really, really liked this -- or even really, really hated it -- there's lots more: