Friday, April 21, 2006
Dating Game: Condi and the Three Strongmen
Host:
Hello everybody and welcome to another edition of the Dating Game. I'm your host, Jim Lange.
Host:
Today, we're fortunate to have a very special "bachelorette" with us, American Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. Secretary Rice will be selecting her date from our three hunky bachelors -- each a major player on the world stage. Secretary Rice, welcome to the program and best of luck.
Condoleezza Rice:
Thank you Jim. It's a pleasure to be here.Host:
Let's quickly meet our three bachelors. Bachelor Number One is an eye doctor and computer enthusiast, but don't call him a nerd or he'll have you killed.
#1-Bashar Assad:
Hi, Miss Rice. I'd love to... uh... check your eyes sometime. If you wanted me to, I mean.Host:
Great. Bachelor Number Two is a man who believes his life is a metaphysical portent of the prophesied End Of Days, and that he has a divine mission to conquer the world so he can return it to an idyllic 8th century way of life -- if the 8th century had nuclear weapons and was eager to use them.
#2-Mahmoud Ahmadinejad:
Hello Condoleezza. I hope you prefer your men with a certain commanding glow around the head. And I hope you don't blink much.Host:
Quite the smooth talker, that one. Finally, Bachelor Number Three is a man of many talents: he has held ownership interest in part of the Juventus football club; he organized the world's first and only internet beauty pageant; and he almost single-handedly forced the world's airlines to rethink their security procedures, long before 9-11 made it stylish. And to top it off, his name can be spelled in approximately 37 different ways.
#3-Muamar Gaddafi:
Condoleezza. Condi. Condolicious. I have to tell you, I don't see any glow around that fool's head, so don't pick him. And by the way, he's not even Arab -- the little pipsqueak's Persian, but let's just keep that between the two of us. Speaking of the two of us, tell me, Condi, are you as good in bed as I've imagined? Just asking is all.Host:
Now now bachelors, simmer down. As I'm sure you remember, our Bachelorette asks all the questions. On that note, Secretary Rice, please get us started. You'll ask a few questions to our hidden bachelors, and then choose your dream date.Rice:
Thanks Jim. Let me see now... Bachelor Number One, I've been told I'm a very modern woman, but I can also be playful and affectionate. If I first approached you with my hand extended, would you shake it, or pull me into a big warm hug instead?
Assad:
Oh, let me see now. What would Father do? Hmmm. Well, I'd have to say that if you were to touch my exalted presence I would be honor bound, number one, to have you shot and, number two, your body dumped on the pile out back. Don't misunderstand me, I wouldn't WANT to do that. It's just the whole honor thing, plus you being a woman and not Muslim and all. But really, once you get to know me everyone says I'm just a big softy at heart, so....Rice:
I'm sure, I'm sure, and thanks for the warning. Ok, Bachelor Number Three, same question.
Ahmadinejad:
Hey!!! What about me? You skipped "Bachelor Number Two" you conniving little...Rice:
Wait Bachelor Number Two, I'll get to you, I just didn't want to waste your prodigious glow on such a trivial question.Ahmadinejad:
Very well then.
Gaddafi:
Can I answer now? By the way, if you want to know where Number Two's "magic glow" comes from, I see big clumps of his hair falling out -- I think he's been playing a little too close to the plutonium pile if you catch my drift. Anyhoo, I gotta tell you, Condi -- babe -- I'm sure you look tremendous, so don't try pulling any of that "modern woman" handshake crap of yours on me. It would never work on a virile Arab stallion like myself. The moment you got near me I'd jump your bones and nail you right there on the spot. You betcha. Then after my girls had you washed up, annointed and perfumed, you could feed me couscous...Host:
Ok Bachelor Number Three, I think you've more than answered the Secretary's question. Let's let her take it from here.Rice:
Number Three certainly sounds... romantic, in a neanderthal sort of way. Ok, Bachelor Number Two -- yes, your turn now -- if your friends tried to describe to me a picture of you from 25 years ago, what would they say?
Ahmadinejad:
Revolting. Simply revolting. Tremendously so.Rice:
Revolting?Ahmadinejad:
Oh yes, perhaps one of the most revolting of all. Even today, my friends they say to me "Oh, Mahdi" -- I like it when they call me that -- they say "Mahdi, do what looks good in the eyes of the world!" But of course I am revolting by nature and will do no such thing. I still consider myself revolting today, and I'm pretty confident you will too.Rice:
Ok, you convinced me. How about you number one, can you top revolting?
Assad:
I doubt it. I'd really rather not talk about 25 years ago. Father didn't really like me and I wouldn't even be here except my brother, Father's favorite, up and died. Dad thought I was too nice, too geeky, too soft. I told him that wasn't nice, and he was wrong, but he told me to shut up, so...Rice:
Excuse me Number One, but that doesn't answer my question. If there was a picture of you from 25 years ago, how would your friends describe it to me?Assad:
Oh. Well, I never really had many friends. Father said it was too dangerous, and that no one would like me anyway. Why, would you like to be my friend?Rice:
I don't think your father would have approved, so, no. Next question. Number Two, what is the most romantic thing you've ever done on a date?
Ahmadinejad:
Yes, yes. Let me tell you, there are...really...so many things. So many. Almost too many to remember. It's really rather laughable. Ha ha.Rice:
Great. So just name one of them.Ahmadinejad:
Ok...hmmm, well, this wasn't exactly on a "date" date, but I think it counts. There was this one time I let my friend, Fathia, participate in one of the interrogations, and I could just tell that it sort of...turned her on...you know what I mean?
Gaddafi:
Tell me about it! If I may interject here, that is precisely why I find the whole American uproar over the Abu Ghraib business so stupid -- don't they realize chicks dig this stuff? I have to tell you, when the whole thing dies down, I plan to make a little extra on the side selling my interrogation tapes peer-to-peer on the web.Rice:
So Number Three, you'd answer the question the same way?Gaddafi:
Of course not! I've got more romance in just my left testicle than this radioactive Persian poodle has in his entire country. Puhhlease. I would say the most romantic thing I did on a date was the time I had this cute girl -- what was her name again? No matter -- I had her over and we roasted marshmallows over a fire made from the cash I collected from a special tax just for her. She was so excited. Pity her father wouldn't let me keep her -- you can guess how that turned out.Rice:
I think I'd rather not even try. But thanks for the image.Host:
Time for one more question.Rice:
Very well, Bachelor Number One, if you were to try to sweep me off my feet with a beautiful sonnet or some favorite quotation, what would it be?
Assad:
Well, uh...Is it hot in here?Host:
No, perfectly air conditioned. Go ahead Bachelor Number One. A romantic quote to charm the Secretary?Assad:
I..I...I think I'd better quote Father or he'll rise from the grave and smite me in my sleep. But I can only remember one right now, and...Rice:
Oh, come on Number One, Daddy would be so proud.Assad:
All right, here goes: "Never forget this one point: There is no such thing as a Palestinian People, there is no Palestinian entity, there is only Syria..."Rice:
I'll try not to swoon. Number Two? Any favorite words for me?
Ahmadinejad:
Oddly enough, I believe your own gun organization -- the NRA is it? -- sums up my feelings on love most succinctly. Now, bear in mind, this has been through a few translations already, but I believe the basic idea is something like this: "If you love something, issue it ultimatums. If it does not submit, hunt it down and kill it." This beautifully describes the spiritual love in my heart, an Islamic love that encompasses the entire world. That is why I always demand with such vehemence that my religion only be referred to as a religion of love and of peace. And believe me, there's a little of that love in my heart for you too.Rice:
Oh, I believe you.Host:
Ok Secretary Rice, we're out of time. Take a moment and give us your decision. Who is to be your date?Rice:
Wow, well this is a difficult decision. It's so hard to pick just one. But -- trust me when I say this -- I've given it an awful lot of thought, and of course discussed it with many of the finest minds in America, military and otherwise, and I would have to say that we definitely expect to have a date with Bachelor Number Two -- no insult intended to Bachelors One and Three who I'm sure are each most worthy in their own way.Host:
There you have it, Bachelor Number Two, come on out and meet your date!
Ahmadinejad:
Who, me? Uh, no, now that you put it that way, I'd really rather not.Host:
Come on now, get out here and meet Secretary Rice.Rice:
It's ok Jim. He doesn't have to come out. If need be, we can send people in.Host:
Fantastic! Then that's all for now, but we'll see you all again...real, real soon. Kiss kiss. MwaahLinked with thanks to: Right Wing Nation, Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns, Basil's Blog, Wizbang!, Uncooperative Blogger and Point Five
