Saturday, June 18, 2005

MSM's Top 10 Blogging Pointers 

Before you acquire the nasty little habit of reading these new-fangled blog-thingies, or even, God-forbid, writing one of your own, please first consider these helpful pointers, courtesy of MSM (Miserably Sourced Media):

  1. Blogging can easily get you fired from your job.
  2. Blogging can get you thrown in jail if you live in a totalitarian state (like America). We can't give you any examples of American bloggers this has happened to, but that's just because the Fascists probably squirreled them away, deep in a Gitmo sub-sub-basement.
  3. Bloggers do not uphold journalistic standards, like having two sources for every report. We know because we checked with two bloggers, who prefer to remain anonymous, and they didn't deny it.
  4. Bloggers are a big snarling mob whose only aspiration is to destroy the finest, most elevated dreams of their more responsible peers (us) -- noble goals like getting John Kerry elected, or ending the Nazi practices of our thuggish military establishment.
  5. Blogging is not as widespread and popular as you have been led to believe. As far as we can tell, the output of the entire U.S. blogosphere emanates from only 10 to 12 highly caffeinated bloggers, gifted typists all, working out of a government safe house with exceptional bandwidth somewhere deep in the Red States.
  6. Bloggers constantly criticise Responsible Media, spewing their trivial litany of complaints with a freedom that cannot be allowed to continue; it threatens the Free Speech Rights of the real journalists who have to put up with that constant carping.
  7. The more time you spend on these blogs, the less likely it is you will be able to imbibe every last word of the New York Times as the gospel it is. Please spend your time wisely, because our group brain is counting on your cooperation.
  8. If you must read blogs, please first repeat this helpful mantra at least a dozen times before each blog visit, so its advice can insulate you from all the blog-bilge: "Bush lied, insurgents died. Soldiers desecrated, Christianity is antiquated. Abortion's a right, Bush isn't bright. We know we know better, why's America redder?"
  9. Please turn to the back page of the classified section for our weekly roundup of "What's Goin' on in that Darned Blogosphere" so you don't have to bother wading into the swamp yourself. Let us wear the hip-boots for you.
  10. Don't forget to check out our new blog, starting next month, at msm.blogspoof.com. Remember, it's free to premium subscribers.

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