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Sunday, March 26, 2006

Pitching "Hamas, the Movie" 

Young Go Getter:
Thank you Mr. Mover for taking this brief time to meet me.

shaker:
You're very lucky he even has time to see you at all, so--

MOVER:
Will you just zip it already and go get me another cigar! Now, kid, you've got sixty seconds. Impress me. Go.

Young Go Getter:
Ok, here's the pitch. You know how there's all this fuss about these trendy foreign and independent films that -- even though they don't make any money -- are supposedly so much better than anthing we're turning out? All the critics can talk about is how the studios are out of touch with what America wants. Match?

shaker:
No, let me!

MOVER:
(puffs) Thanks. You wouldn't believe how much this cigar costs me. Had to have my office officially rezoned as a tobacco shop!

Young Go Getter:
Worth every penny, I'm sure. Well, it's high time we give the critics and fickle moviegoers alike what they really want, but just don't know how to ask for: Tinsel Town meets Indie. The best of America, but with a global sensibility. I'm talking about an action buddy vehicle, with heart -- "Hamas, the Movie." Paradise Now meets Lethal Weapon, with better marketing tie-ins.

shaker:
It stinks.

MOVER:
I like it.

shaker:
I mean it stinks that no one thought of it before!

MOVER:
I think I'm hearing cash registers here. Potentially, this thing could incorporate all three of my blockbuster B's: Big stars. Big problems. Big explosions.

Young Go Getter:
Well, medium stars.

MOVER:
What? C'mon, kid, you've got to think big! I'm sure Tim Robbins or Sean Penn would love this thing. It's got Oscar bait written all over it.

Young Go Getter:
I tried them already.

shaker:
So what's the problem? They were nervous doing the terrorist thing?

Young Go Getter:
Please, not that T-word. Our moviegoers want freedom fighters they can identify with, not terrorists! But no, that's not it. Sean just wouldn't agree to performing in a ski-mask. Said it limits his eyebrows' range of motion.

shaker:
And Robbins?

Young Go Getter:
Tim's agent insisted there had to be a love interest and a sex scene. I tried to explain that this picture could only support that kind of thing in a 72-virgin afterlife montage, and that Susan Sarandon just isn't marketable as a virgin. He hung up on me.

MOVER:
How about Clooney? Clooney'd do this in a heartbeat.

Young Go Getter:
Already planning a Hezbulliana trilogy, in Arabic. Sort of a Peter Jackson meets Mel Gibson in Lebanon kind of thing.

shaker:
What about Alec Baldwin?

Young Go Getter:
Nobody wants a fat freedom fighter. But that's ok; I want a young gun instead. A pre-Titanic Leo, that sort of thing.

MOVER:
Eh, kid, trust me I been there, that's a hit or miss proposition, and heavy on the miss. Every pretty boy in Hollywood is a pre-Titanic Leo. You've got to bank a big name if you're going to reel this one in.

Young Go Getter:
Ok. Well, Ahnold is still busy for a few more years and Sandler's got Happy Gilmore Goes to Washington. So if you insist, the best names we have left to choose from for the lead are Sly Stallone and Vin Diesel. Take your pick.

shaker:
I'll pull their Q-ratings.

MOVER:
Great, we can call Tom Arnold too, for the wisecracking assistant. Ok, let's move on. What about a bad guy? Who are you going to get to play the IDF Chief of Staff, or the Israeli Prime Minister? Or maybe we should just go with the out of control commander, kind of like Ralph Fiennes in Schindler.

Young Go Getter:
Well, I mean, I thought we'd use a multi-national corporation, like always. You know, Christopher Walken is trying to corner the market on rice in the Gaza Strip and Vin Diesel's little kid is near starvation, so naturally--

MOVER:
No, no, no. The audience will see right through that multi-national crap. They'll all say we're avoiding the Jewish bad guy just because, well...

Young Go Getter:
Because you're Jewish?

shaker:
You didn't hear it from us, but yeah, that's what he's saying.

Young Go Getter:
Ok, well, I'll have to rework the script a little bit.

MOVER:
Get him Tony Kushner's number. Tony's a miracle worker. Love what he did with Munich. Ok, great pitch, we'll call you later to work out the details.

Young Go Getter:
I didn't even tell you about the sequel yet.

MOVER:
Don't worry, we'll get there. You've got to do these things in stages, one step at a time. Oh, and on your way out kid, tell my secretary to get me Streisand on the horn. Behind every freedom fighter there's an encouraging but eccentric mom somewhere, plus, I'm thinking musical interlude.


Linked to: Colbert Report, Don Surber and Pirate's Cove

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