Thursday, May 18, 2006

Dear Zionist Interloper 

Today we introduce "Dear Zionist Interloper," another new regular AbbaGav feature not unlike previous regular features which have regularly never been featured again. This new advice column is for anti-Zionists, anti-Semites, and those who can't be bothered to tell the difference.

Are you having trouble getting rid of that nasty stain on the fabric of humanity? Why not turn to "Dear Zionist Interloper" -- what do you have to lose?

Let's take a few questions from this week's inaugural mailbag:

Dear Zionist Interloper
I've been seeing my boyfriend on and off for about three years and he's really cute and I think I love him and everything, but he's always asking me these questions and stuff and every time I get the answer wrong we're back to the "off again" phase of our relationship. So yesterday, he asks me this question and I don't, like, know the answer right away, and I'm getting worried again so I tell him I'll get back to him on it. He wants to know why the damned Zionists get to have their really, really super huge bomb-thingies but the Uranians don't. You're one of those "damned Zionists" he's always talking about, aren't you? Or is a Zionist Interloper a different thing? Can you help us?

-- He Loves Me He Loves Me Not, in a State of Confusion

Dear Loves Me Not
It is often helpful for couples to practice "active listening" -- giving a little feedback to your partner to first make sure you understand his question before answering it. In this case, you might tell your boyfriend that you realize how obvious it seems that Iran deserves a bomb. After all, Israel has been dropping veiled hints for decades about having their own deterrent stockpile of nuclear weapons. Given Iran's publicly sworn ambitions of dropping a nuke on the Jewish state at the earliest possible opportunity, Israel's long-threatened and well-known intentions to wipe out any country that nukes it first can only be interpreted as a deep-seated, belligerent desire to destroy Iran. So who can blame Iran for wanting its own nukes in the face of Israel's long standing threats to drop a few retaliatory nukes right back on it?

There are lots of counter-arguments, but perhaps your boyfriend will feel most comfortable with this: one can't help but notice the Zionists chose to set their state up right in the midst of innocent populations instead of out in the pristine Alaskan wilderness. Doesn't it make sense now? If Israel were located in Alaska, nary a soul would complain if it were mysteriously nuked out of existence one day -- other than the Preserve the Carribou Foundation of course. But your boyfriend should be aware that if Iran goes ahead with its plans, there could be negative repercussions. With Israel as it is presently located, that cleansing mushroom cloud might also accidentally over-expose neighboring Palestinians' undeveloped containers of film. Your boyfriend wouldn't want to risk that would he? Tell him Iran's nuclear dreams should be defered until safeguards are put in place to protect any non-Jews nearby.

Dear Zionist Interloper
I bought a new toaster oven about a month ago -- the kind with the built in broiler -- and the broiler stopped working last week. I tried unscrewing the back panel to fix it myself but it didn't go so well; apparently it was still plugged in. Anyway, after the smoke cleared and I stopped convulsing, the toaster was worse than ever. The stupid thing is still under warranty but I can't seem to find the receipt, even though I'm positive I always keep them on the refrigerator under a pizza magnet. So I thought I'd ask you: where have you hidden my receipt, how did you convince them to sell me the broken toaster, and why do you Jews keep doing this to me? [It's Zionist Interlopers, thank you --ed.]

-- Sincerely,
Curly in Kenosha

Dear Curly
Don't give up so easily. If at first you don't succeed, fry, fry again.

If you really, really liked this -- or even really, really hated it -- there's lots more: