Monday, February 20, 2006

Whew! Iranaphobes, Stand Down 

Everybody take a deep breath and relax. It's all over. No more nuke worries. The Iranian Foreign Minister just cleared everything up. It was all just a big misunderstanding!

Iran's foreign minister denied on Monday that Tehran wanted to see Israel "wiped off the map," saying President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had been misunderstood.

"Nobody can remove a country from the map. This is a misunderstanding in Europe of what our president mentioned," Manouchehr Mottaki told a news conference, speaking in English, after addressing the European Parliament.

"How is it possible to remove a country from the map? He is talking about the regime. We do not legally recognise this regime," he said.
Oh, thank God. You see? He's so right! It's not like you can simply remove a country from the map with some sort of giant eraser or something!

And this great, great news comes not a moment too soon, what with growing indications of military plans for the US or Israel to bomb the stuffing out of them -- who knows how many innocent Ayatollahs could have been needlessly injured. It's such a relief to have the Iranians officially and unambiguously step forward like this and straighten this crazy mess out. Who knows what might have happened.

Even better, they only wanted to change the regime here! Just the regime! How bad could that be when half the Israeli population probably agrees with them! Oh man, I just feel like such a load has been lifted from my shoulders.

And those rumors that the map wiping was to be done with nuclear bombs? Nope. No, no, no. No nuclear bombs.

Iran says it is for energy production only.
And I'm sure those long range missile things are only for the parades. It all makes sense.

What about the Holocaust denial?

Mottaki also acknowledged the Holocaust, in which six million Jews were killed by Nazi Germany, despite Ahmadinejad saying in December that it was a myth.

He told the parliament's foreign affairs committee, speaking through an interpreter: "Our friends in Europe stress that such a crime has taken place and they have stated certain figures that were actually suffered. We have no argument about that, but what we are saying here is to put right such a horrific event, why should the Muslims pay a price?"
And if they're going to be this darned reasonable about everything, then I agree, Isn't there some sort of Iranian charity for activities in Israel that we could fund? Or maybe we could think of something to withdraw from -- this really calls for an old-fashioned good-will gesture!

Ok, some of you killjoys out there are still skeptical. You're worried about the Hamas business, the new terrorist government eternally sworn to our destruction. Worried Iran is somehow supporting them, am I right?

The political leader of militant group Hamas, which won Palestinian legislative elections last month, was in Tehran on Monday for talks with Iran's Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei.

Mottaki said it was natural such talks should take place, while making clear he rejected the West's labelling of Hamas, which is committed to Israel's destruction, as a terrorist group.

"We believe that those people who make efforts to free their countries should not be regarded as terrorists," he said.
Do you hear the man? They're not terrorists! Stop this unhealthy worrying, RIGHT NOW. You'll make yourself SICK. And the poor day laborers waiting in line at the checkpoints with their heavy winter coats year-round bulging in the middle, so threadbare they're held together with red and blue wires that stick out all over the place -- it's a travesty! How can we continue to subject them to this onerous "security" when they were never a terrorist threat to begin with? They just want to be free. A little liberty maybe.

He declined to speculate on how ties between a Hamas-led Palestinian government and Tehran would develop.
So we'll have no more of that sarcasm about ties developing over mutual commitment to the annihilation of Israel, nuclear or otherwise. It's all cleared up now. Peace in our time. Yippee!

Will Reuters like us now too?

If you really, really liked this -- or even really, really hated it -- there's lots more: