Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Time to consider "Pie Control Laws"? 

Via Michelle Malkin:

Drudge linked last night to a story and video of Pat Buchanan getting attacked by a deranged college student while giving a speech. The assailant doused Buchanan's face completely with salad dressing. He screamed, "Stop the bigotry!"before charging within inches of Buchanan and nearly hitting him in the head with the bottle as well.
These physical attacks targeting conservatives on campus and in the public square are getting more frequent. (See Kristol, Coulter, Perle, Harris, and the conservative kid who got kicked by a left-wing nut professor, for starters.) The Left continues to snicker about it. The MSM makes light of it (CBS: "A Dressing-Down For Pat Buchanan"; NPR: "What's a little pie in the face?").
Bainbridge sez, "It's only a matter of time until they start using guns."
All these pies in the face! And by peace loving leftists!

It does lead one to think, as Professor Bainbridge suggests, that the natural progression from pies to guns could be an easy one to make. How do we save these left-wingers from their own violent impulses?

Clearly, we must speak their language. We need a law. Maybe several. Some regulations too.

To start, it is imperative that we legislate a ban on all pies. It would be nice to ban cake as well, just to be safe, but realistically, as a practical matter, we may first need to negotiate down to banning only cream-pies, as the fledgeling step to an eventual utopian pie-free society.

But, of course it may not be that easy to pry the pies away from them. In that case, how about some measures which, while leaving pies technically legal, will serve to reduce the harrowing danger:

I can't wait for the response. "Pies don't splatter people, people do." And of course, if they use cherry pie, ala mode, I could alway volunteer to be a human shield.

If you really, really liked this -- or even really, really hated it -- there's lots more: