Monday, May 02, 2005

Unique Movie Reviewer 

I really love movies.

Unfortunately, now that I have a wife, a job, three kids, and a blog, I don't watch too many of them anymore. But I still follow all the reviews so I'll know which of the new pieces of tripe are worth recording for that mythical future vacation when I'm going to get caught up. Of course, at this point, I'll need several months off to watch them all, but a guy can dream, can't he?

So, with these big dreams, I must really know who the good movie reviewers are, wouldn't you think? Well, I do, the very best, some relatively unknown and still soon-to-be-cool, and I'm going to share one with you.

As cultured as I am, I obviously only consult the snootiest of highbrow critics, demanding cinematic critiques almost indistinguishable from wine reviews:

What a nice change! … A red wine that doesn't shrivel your tastebuds with the first mouthful. ..... Sure it has tannins, but they are softer and embedded in a full-bodied well-rounded wine with great eye appeal to which you can add a yummy taste of ripe blackberries, black cherries and enough black currant to give it a firm backbone. ..... Let it breathe in the glass and it will make a sophisticated aperitif, especially if served with pate (pork or goose) on a Bremner cracker or melba toast with a ripe blackberry on top.
which, when translated into movie language leads to reviews with sentences like:

...Dogville is a multilevel experience with room for a myriad of perceptions.
...I found the critical stance in Dogville to be reflective of the Nordic 'Jante Law', a moral code that keeps people in place like 'winners and losers' in the US.
...The influence of Bertold Brecht on the work of Von Trier is profound...
Of course, my movie links do include the ubiquitous IMDb, and the extremely useful Common Sense Media (for checking out movies for the kids). But when I want more than the real scoop on a movie, when I want the scoop that keeps it real, there's only one place to turn:

Omar's Gangsta Entertainment Corner

Omar Mazariego, O, calls 'em the way he sees them, with a perspective that unerringly filters out flicks lacking the requisite excitement, violence, and nudity, that today's discerning viewer deserves. And most importantly, he writes from his heart, not the textbook he saved from Movie Review Graduate School. While you may not understand every word,

So aight, before anything, I gots to say, the preview for The Ring 2 was off the bang banga!!! I got mad hype son. I can’t wait for that joint to drop.

Then after a few wack previews, the movie starts. I can’t front son, the movie had me rolling more times than it didn’t, na’mean. I was peeping the joint like “alight, this is what’s up.”
you'll know exactly what he's saying. He holds nothing back, so his reviews are often worth more than the steaming bio-mass they're based on.

Each review concludes with O's patented Gangsta ratings. If a film achieves that rarest of honors, the nearly unprecedented fifth Gangsta, Tony Soprano, then you can be certain that's one movie that's got it goin' on.

Check him out. Omar Mazariego. I'm totally serious, he's a unique talent. Watch for him to bust out into the big leagues of movie reviewers some time soon.

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