Monday, July 04, 2005

Top Ten Arafat Police Academy Techniques 

I get such a tickle out of the idea of the "Arafat Academy for Police" that I couldn't resist revisiting the topic one more time:

Top 10 Law Enforcement Techniques Taught at the Arafat Academy for Police:

  1. Masked students assist in training by pretending to be "culprits", working out numerous invasion and hostage-taking tactics appropriate for capturing the Occupier's governmental offices, while other students sit and take notes in case the information is ever needed in the future.
  2. Students are taught the proper use of Rocket Propelled Grenades, mortars, and other crowd control devices.
  3. Effective techniques are passed on for quickly and silently snipping through barbed wire while crawling through muddy darkness, and still keeping the explosives dry.
  4. Proper procedures for cuffing and charging a suspected....aww who are we kidding? How often do we actually really arrest anybody other than collaborators? And if they're not worth a bullet or a noose, they're not worth handcuffs and a cell.
  5. You will receive important guidance about what to do with lost Israeli motorists who turn to you for help. [NOTE: this hasn't come up as much recently as Israeli motorists have become less inclined to become lost, much less come to us for help.]
  6. Advanced students are taught the important "Mississippi Rule": If, while on patrol in areas near Israeli enclaves or borders, you run into a group of masked men gathered around a long tube aimed into the sky, you should immediately begin counting "one Mississippi, two Mississippi,..." and so forth, quite loudly, until you reach one hundred and twenty Mississippi. If there are any men still in the area when you reach one hundred and twenty, you should assist them in moving their equipment to any waiting vehicle so their presence in the area doesn't present a further disturbance. Important Note: Stand well back from the men while counting, especially if you hear helicopters.
  7. It is essential students learn how to secure Israeli-forfeited assets against vandalism or damage until they can be transferred to a deserving P.A. official, his family, his friends, his bodyguards, or other annointed recipient.
  8. You will learn how to guard prisoners, at least until they decide to escape. Emphasis is placed on helping charge their cell phones, and making sure their weapons and camoflauge are safely tucked away before sunrise each morning.
  9. Linguistics experts will help you cultivate the ability to call out "I've come to fix the satellite dish" in pefect, unaccented Hebrew.
  10. Oops, I think there are only 9 techniques taught at the Arafat Academy, but that's enough.

In the end, the thing that seriously strikes me about all the P.A. security drills we see pictured over and over at Yahoo and elsewhere is how much they focus on flashy kung-fu moves and leaps through flaming rings, while ignoring the mundane things involved in "keeping the peace". Either the photographers are all politely ushered out when the class sits at the blackboard and reviews how to hand out tickets for jay-walking, or the focus isn't really on "keeping the peace".

Any AP or Reuters photographers out there holding back pictures of P.A. cops practicing administering breathalizer tests, please step forward. I'd love to see them.

If you really, really liked this -- or even really, really hated it -- there's lots more: