Tuesday, June 28, 2005

De Niro's Maid 

Very strange story recently of crime amongst the stars:

An alleged housekeeper from hell is behind bars today, charged with pocketing $95,000 diamond earrings belonging to Robert De Niro's wife - and cleaning out the homes of other rich and famous New Yorkers.


Prosecutor Anne Schwartz said Turyk-Wawrynowicz threatened to accuse one victim's husband of sexual harassment if the thefts were reported to cops.


Cops began investigating the housekeeper on June 3 only after Hightower told police her earrings had vanished from the sprawling Central Park West home she shares with De Niro.
Wow, what a story. So the maid is stealing from all these celebs, and she manages to cow them all into silence except De Niro's wife. I can picture it, the maid threatens her and she shoots back, "Are you talkin' to me?" Yeah, that sounds about right for De Niro's wife. It's a good thing she showed some backbone or this maid's crime spree could have lingered on longer than Michael Moore at a dessert bar.

I'm just puzzled about the reactions of some of the others to the threats of harrassment charges against their famous, wealthy spouses. I'm amazed there wasn't at least one schemer among them able to think it through from a position of complete self-interest. You know: "Why, what a grand idea, Ms. Maid. In fact, it's such a great idea, I think I might even perjure myself on your behalf! After all, once you point that finger at my husband, he gets a boatload of bad pub and a divorce, while I get rid of the pre-nup and end up with everything. What's not to like?"

Hmmm. So why didn't that happen? Why wasn't there at least one greedy, unhappy spouse in the lot? Kind of hard to believe.

Wait, now I get it. These people have probably helped their spouses read through just about every lousy script the Marvelous Movie Machine has squeezed out in the last few decades. Stuff every bit as bad as this, maybe even worse. They must have considered the possibility, if they were really that greedy and conniving, that it might just be a setup. Yeah, it wouldn't be hard to imagine a suspicious husband setting his wife up to see if she'd take the bait, laying out a little insurance policy for himself in case one of his sordid affairs is discovered and he needs to give his divorce lawyer something to fight back with. So simple: hire a "maid" to "steal stuff" and then make threats, and see if your future Divorce Game opponent manages to incriminate herself. I bet the maid was wired the whole time, in case the divorce got really ugly and dramatic evidence was needed.

No. No. That can't be it, the maid would never go for it. Why would she risk jail, just to help an actor set his wife up like that? Why? ... Unless... unless the maid was the one sleeping with the movie stars, and feathering her nest a little on the side. Yeah, of course! It's so obvious. I've seen lots of movies where the rich husband sleeps with the maid and thinks he can get away with it. Hollywood hubris, it just reeks of it. Thank God I'm not a part of all that.

Anyway this is great stuff, let's run with it...I think I see Nicole Kidman as the maid...any chance we could convince Jim Carrey to play De Niro?

(hat tip: salon.com)

If you really, really liked this -- or even really, really hated it -- there's lots more: