Sunday, June 05, 2005
The Next Miranda
You remember the original, having heard it so many times, hopefully only on TV:
If you really, really liked this -- or even really, really hated it -- there's lots more:
In the wake of the campaign to force the war against terror into nothing more than a multi-agency criminal investigation, it's only a matter of time until we have a new set of Miranda rights for arresting terrorists:
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to be speak to an attorney, and to have an attorney present during any questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be provided for you at government expense.
And remember, the phrase "Book him!" is considered a physical threat to the Holy Koran, and is thus grounds for appeal.
You have the right to complain as much as you like. You have the right to decline medical examination should you allege bodily abuse. You have the right to speak to the media of your choice. Anything you say can and will be used against the US government in the court of world opinion. You have the right to a lawyer, a Koran, a television, two pillows, and a prayer mat. You have the right to an attorney present should you choose to interrogate your guards in pursuit of a lawsuit against them. If you cannot afford a lawyer, an agent, a personal trainer or a ghost writer, they will be provided for you. You have the right to a private security presence in your cell to protect you from abuse at the hands of the government, subject to the limitation of one non-automatic sidearm per private guard. If you do not understand these rights, do not worry, a legion of lawyers are on their way right now to explain them to you.
