Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Lovers of Peace International Inc. Memo 

Discovered this memo in my trash, or somewhere else -- I forget where exactly -- and thought I'd share it:

Ok my fellow Lovers Of Peace International Inc., listen up.

This whole "disengagement" farce is going to end pretty soon, and in its wake is going to be a brief criticism vacuum, what I like to call the post-partum blues. The media is probably going to forget for a few days exactly who is to blame for all that is wrong in this region. And it's our job to remind them.

We've got to stay rip-roaring ready with a new set of talking points -- or, if you will, shouting points. We're going to hammer away at Israel's achilles kneecap: their flagrant violation of human rights in the "so-called" name of "self" "defense" against that quote-"t"-unquote word. So, in anticipation of that first post-pullout news cycle, I've prepared a few complaints we should all start practicing:

First and most important of all is, of course, the racist gulag wall -- but not just the wall itself. We need to carp on the whole ideology of separation. We cannot rhetorically rest as long as Israelis insist on arrogantly placing barriers between themselves and peaceful coexistence with their neighbors -- who after all share their love of this special land between the Jordan and the sea.

We cannot be satisfied until, at a minimum, the Israelis begin the following unilateral baby-steps away from separation and hatred, toward openness and peace:
If we can succeed on these points, it's a great start, but it's not enough. We've got to adapt the message. I think it's like that guy says -- oh, what's his name, the Asian-American that wrote that "Art of War" best-seller -- it's like I think he says: you've got to be like the shark, always swimming, while still watching out for nets and harpoons and discarded plastic bags. Oh wait, maybe it was be like the simple discarded plastic bag that can stop the shark.

Either way, there is a second brand new point we have to flog. We've done a good job tarnishing the image of the so-called "rubber coated bullets", but Israeli forces, rather than returning to the more photogenic conventional bullets, are coming up with new ways to humiliate peaceful protesters and those standing behind them: sand bullets. It goes without saying we can't let them get away with this. I'm sure many of us have grown up with the bully kicking sand in our face our whole lives. Well we're not about to let the bully start shooting sand at us from a gun now. So let's get out there and show the world exactly what kind of welts those suckers can leave on a protester. We won't rest on this one until the occupation forces are reduced to shooting nothing but powdered sugar bullets.

You're all doing a fantastic job, keep up the great work. Remember to forward this to at least five other activists. And by activist, I mean activist activists, not "activists". It's critical we maintain clear deniability of any hypothetical connections between activists and any "activists", so please pay attention on that one.

And if you transmit this via email, please remember: only use electricity from replenishable sources. Don't taint the message.

Next year in Al Quds!

If you really, really liked this -- or even really, really hated it -- there's lots more: