Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Rights Groups Slam Israel's Top-Secret "Detonation at a Distance" Defense 

Geneva, UN Commission of Bad Satire and Ending Occupation

Israel in the docket again, as it goes forward with plans to endanger Lebanese civilians with top-secret passive missile defense system.

A group of Arab, Islamic and European rights groups leveled harsh criticism today against Israel over rumors of a new top-secret IDF anti-missile technology called the Detonation-at-a-Distance Defensive System, warning that its deployment would result in "Israeli war crimes and a human rights catastrophe of epic proportions" among vulnerable Lebanese civilians.

The Israeli system, which is rumored to use special low-energy electromagnetic pulses to detonate any explosives in front of it out to a range of 50 kms, would result in yet another brutal Zionist massacre of countless Lebanese civilians, further demonstrating the barbarity of the illegitimate, so-called Jewish state, a spokesman for the American Islamic rights group CAIR said.

"On the one hand the Tel Aviv government lies to the world over and over again, boasting that Lebanese civilians who've been slaughtered by its arsenal of American-funded missiles and ray guns weren't really people but just human shields allegedly used to protect Hizballah's meager deterrent supply of homemade rockets. Well are there human shields or aren't there? The Zionists can't have it both ways, now that they are plotting to detonate these rockets they told us were in people's homes and hospitals and stashed in bunkers under children's schools. When half the South Lebanese countryside is cratered and littered with civilian body parts, and when the Zionist forces try to convince you 'they didn't know there were civilians near the missiles,' remember these vile and untrue 'human shield' accusations," continued the spokesman in one breath.

While Israel has not yet officially confirmed the existence of the new technology, top military sources hinted the Detonation at a Distance Defensive System could be deployed along Israel's northern border within weeks. The mysterious new system initially generated great excitement in Israeli defense circles for its potential as a non-lethal, non-invasive preemptive shield against recent massive waves of Hizballah missile attacks, and early protests against the system when rumors first leaked last week were muted.

The United Nations High Commission for Electromagnetic Justice and the End of Israeli Occupation of All Arab Land released a report showing that Israel's new "microwave weapon" would violate the electromagntic sovereignty of neighboring Arab states. The 27 page report also included a call to boycott Israeli DJ's until the Jewish State agreed to limit the power of its commercial radio stations so as to cease continuing and ongoing violations of Lebanese sovereignty with cross border leakage of Israeli Top 40 radio. Hezbullah, on learning of the report's accusations of new "radio wave" intrusions, immediately launched a salvo of rockets they claimed were aimed at Haifa radio stations violating Lebanese sovereignty, hitting a hospital waiting room, a soccer field, and a nursery instead.

As more details of the missile shield's capabilities emerged throughout the week, complaints by Arab rights groups escalated, asserting that the new system was actually a weapon designed with no other intent than harm to Lebanese civilians. It is clear that Israel is counting on massive civilian casualties on the Lebanese side caused by Zionist-induced explosions under Lebanese schools, in villagers' living rooms and so on, said an Arab League spokesman. "The world cannot condone the ruthless massacre of innocent civilians misfortunate enough to be living with Katyusha missiles, just because Israel wants to punish Hizballah."

An Israeli military source responded by claiming the defensive system would only be activated after a 3 day warning, allowing the many affected civilians sufficient time to evacuate their homes, or for Hizballah to remove missiles a safe distance from civilian dwellings and facilities. "We have no interest in harming Lebanese civilians. We are only trying to protect our own civilians from Hizballah's stockpile of 10,000 missiles, and doing so in a completely humane manner." Answering charges that the weapon might also expose Lebanese families to lethal doses of radiation, the military source pointed out that, "first of all, it's not a weapon, do you understand? It's a defensive system that blows up enemy missiles without us firing anything at anyone -- no chances of errant artillery shells, nothing, got that buddy? Sheesh. All the thing does is send out a micro pulse of radio waves, not enough to warm a duck's earlobes. It works by careful phase modulation of the alpha waves with harmonic amplification of micro-trans-photonic wavelets and other Star Trek sounding kind of stuff -- so don't even bother asking how it works because I won't tell you."

A spokesman for the Organization of Islamic States, however, was unimpressed with the promised 3 day warning, pointing out that "everyone knows those three days will just provide Hizballah with more time to pack more civilians around its weapons caches, magnifying the magnitude of the Israeli war crimes."

Hamas spokesmen also cautioned, "if you think the carnage the Occupiers will wreak with this weapon in Lebanon is bad, wait until they use it against us -- this explosives detonation thing will wipe us off the map, just like they love to accuse the Iranian President of trying to do. The world must stop the Zionists, before these criminals blow up all of our bombs."

-- This has been another Precision-Guided Humor Assignment

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