Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Sensitivity Training 

You might have heard that there has been a string of incidents recently where people and institutions have been caught on the verge of causing great potential offense. This has happened most notably with references to P-eye-G-S, if you catch my drift without being offended by it. Now I'm no friend of the porkers -- being a detested Zionist/neo-con myself -- but I can't honestly say I would be offended just because one of the non-Kosher animals were to, say, appear on the cover of a paperback book buried at the bottom of my bankteller's purse, or if the 3 letter word somehow came up at a spelling bee.

That is why it is so important that we all undergo immediate and intensive sensitivity training on the subject, since this is an offense that is so easy to overlook. And that's why I'm here to help. There has already been some great first steps taken in this field, and I'd like to help carry on this great work:

UK Banks Banning Piggy Banks: Note how important this story is, since the ban was put in place only because the piggy banks may offend some Muslims. It also points out the clear opinion of one of Britain's four Muslim MPs that he "doubt[s] many Muslims would be seriously offended by piggy banks." Do you see how important this is? It is so commendable that the banks went ahead with this important step, even though some try to claim the piggy banks are not actually offensive. Bravo British banks!

Banned: tissue box featuring Winnie the Pooh and Piglet: That's the spirit! Leading by example, setting the proper standard of 0 (Z-E-R-O) tolerance.

Now if we can only live up to this model of proper conduct. In order to help make that possible, please take a few moments to review the simple, common sense guidelines I've drawn up to help us finish this important jihad on insensitivy (the internal kind of jihad that is). Your karma will thank you (am I allowed to say karma?)

  1. Please do not say things like "I'm going to the Piggly Wiggly" but instead say "I'm going to the convenience store named for the unclean beast." And if you own or manage one of these offensive establishments, please immediately change its name to something based on a more honorable animal, like "Camel's Co-op" or "the Festering Falcon".
  2. Please do not indoctrinate your children in the blasphemous "Three Little Pigs" so-called story. But if you feel you must tell this tale, please consider helping your children explore the wolf's side of the story, so they should understand that he had no choice but to attack the pigs' in their houses as they were an affront to his honor and that no God-fearing wolf should have done any differently.
  3. U.S. football fans, please consider launching a class action lawsuit against the National Football League, its owners and affiliates, and any broadcasters associated with the league, to force them to cease playing with what is known as the "pigskin". This is blatant discrimination that is obviously aimed at keeping a particular segment of the population from playing the game. Certainly, with enough public pressure, the league could be brought to understand how worthy it would be to switch to playing with inflated fish bladders instead.
  4. Kindly refrain from using the euphemistic term porker, which is incredibly offensive, and stick to the term fat-tub-of-goo instead.
  5. If you are not blessed to live in a welfare state, it would be considerate if you ceased referring to the results of your long day of thankless toil as "bringing home the bacon". Just because you haven't figured out how to get an entry visa into an EU country doesn't mean you have the right to subject the rest of us to your offensive sob story.
  6. If someone saves you from dire peril, please do not thank them for "saving your bacon." Truly, if you had bacon, they should not have saved you.
  7. When someone is playing to the camera or the crowd in an extremely overt manner, this is best not discouraged with the phrase, "Stop hamming it up!" Rather, the use of the sobering "Save it for your martyrdom video" should be far more effective and less offensive.
  8. Please go to your children's bookshelf right now and bring back your family copy of Charlotte's Web -- I'll wait, I know you have one, so go now.... Ok, are you back yet? Good. Now open it to the page where the little runt is about to get killed. Please rip out the remaining pages of the book and pencil in the new ending: "He killed the beast. The End." Thank you.
  9. It would be great if more people would support the Pork-Busting campaign of Glen Reynolds, N.Z. Bear and company. It is great that he wishes to bring an end to pork and is willing to so publically lead the charge for a pork free world.
  10. Lastly, kindly refrain from describing someone as being in "Hog Heaven" -- there is no such place -- rather, speak of the person being in "the paradise of plump virgins." He will thank you, as do I.

[Disclaimer: This is not generally intended as a criticism of Islam or Muslims, but moreso of the growing tendency in the rest of the world to feel that it must pre-emptively censor itself to avoid giving offense to Islam. In the spirit of Dennis Prager's recent 5 questions, the one thing I would hope moderate Muslims who feel defamed by this satirical piece might ask themselves is why the world seems to react this way as a result of Islamic distaste for pig, but not out of Jewish distaste for pig, or various Christian preferences which are frequently ignored or publically mocked rather than pandered too. The answer I'm looking for starts with a sense of embarrassment that this is so, and concludes with a decision to do something to change the world's perceptions of Islam that has so many intimidated. The answer I fear features a sense of pride that Islamic values require such special treatment, and includes a decision to increase the actions which helped create the situation.]

If you really, really liked this -- or even really, really hated it -- there's lots more: