Thursday, April 06, 2006

New PETA Campaign: Save the Widdle Bunnies! 

(AbbaGavNews) -- Protests outside Taft Elementary school today marked the beginning of the newest campaign of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) on behalf of the nation's hordes of abused bunny rabbits.

Citing internal studies showing up to half of all pet bunnies are typically cuddled much too tight by the youngest members of their adoptive families and at least a quarter more regularly forced into inappropriately floppy hats or unnaturally baggy sweaters, PETA's president, Ingrid Newkirk, called on parents to take forceful steps to control their children's abusive hare-raising practices. "It's time parents consider spanking the ever-loving snot out of their children when they catch them engaged in this kind of behavior, like dressing their little bunnies in mismatched ensembles or trying to feed them pizza," said Newkirk.

She cautioned parents, however, to be discrete in how they apply this discipline, reminding them that although there are still no laws to prevent the wanton slaughter and even eating of countless millions of animals on a daily basis, there are numerous human-specific laws already on the books outlawing abuse of children. "We view it as our sacred mission to help parents break down this false moral distinction between their children and their pets," explained Newkirk, "but we don't want parents ending up in jail as a result, leaving their uncared for children free to terrorize the family pets in their absence."

Newkirk joined approximately 50 demonstrators carrying placards outside the school as harried carpool moms slowly weaved through the picketing crowd to pick up children already late for soccer practice. Most parents only shook their heads on reading Newkirk's "Animal suffrage! Not suffering!" sign, but a few stopped to scratch their heads before moving on. Other protesters carried placards with messages like "Save a bunny, spank a child" and "Spare the rod, despoil the bunny." Few if any parents stopped to discuss PETA's bunny-abuse message, but a number of children openly cried.

"We consider this a good start," Newkirk said later as the protest wound down. She explained that picketing will continue outside of schools in other selected high rabbit-density areas, and will be accompanied by educational leaflet distribution in surrounding neighborhoods.

Newkirk and her team of protestors departed with satisfied smiles, and a warning. "This month, bunnies. Next month, we're going after the so-called cat bloggers. Just because you feed an animal doesn't mean you have the right to freely post online the most humiliating pictures of your feline friend without even a trace of the cat's consent."

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