Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Yeah, But Can it Stir J-Lo's Coffee Counter-Clockwise? 

It looks like Van Halen's road crew can breathe a sigh of relief. Or maybe that sound is them crying as the new hi-tech M&M Sorter puts them out of work:

Sorting M&Ms Just Got a Bit Easier with this RGB Color Sensor

...Identifying color is easy with the new Texas Advanced Optical Systems TCS230 frequency to color sensor. This is a high-sensitivity low-noise light-to-voltage optical converter that incorporates on board blue, green, and red optical filters. The sensor combines a photodiode and an amplifier on a single monolithic CMOS integrated circuit with a color filter over the photodiode. What's really neat about this sensor is that it provides standard RGB color values with 90% accuracy!
I'm really looking forward to seeing what the latest technology can do with the rest of the celebrity world's diva demands:

Take for example Marilyn Manson. The shock rocker demands every room he enters to be chilled to a deathly freeze with air-conditioning on full, a never-ending supply of Coca Cola and a bottomless bucket of ice. Add to that Haribo gummi bears, mini chocolates, Doritos, soy milk, assorted Kool Aid-sweetened, Hanson's cherry vanilla and microwave popcorn – just your typical diet for a Satanist.
Hmmm. This sounds like a tough one. Never-Ending Sodas and Bottomless Buckets sounds more like a job for Hogwarts than hi-tech. The place where recent advances might help out for Mr. Manson could be in the diva support backbone. A peer-to-peer supply network with just-in-time delivery based on RFID tagged sodas and popcorn bags just might be able to keep up with his consumption in a more efficient and timely manner.

Iggy Pop once made a bizarre request for seven dwarves. To top it off, he also demanded American Spirit cigarettes (which he doesn’t smoke) and broccoli (which he hates). Questioned about this bizarre request, his response was that he wanted the broccoli so he could throw it in the bin – obviously to express his hatred for it. It’s anyone’s guess as to why he wanted the dwarves.
Well from a hi-tech point of view, when it comes to diva demands, Iggy Pop is a no-brainer -- no pun intended for those of you with any legal association to Mr. Pop. Dwarves and disposable broccoli: this is why they invented genetic engineering! I would have to predict that when Iggy Pop's diva joy is eventually found, it will come from a test tube.

Jennifer Lopez is another artist who likes to make sure that she gets exactly what she wants - even at charity events! ...Oh, and she also demands that her coffee be stirred counter-clockwise only.
This one shouldn't be too hard to meet with an automated stick swizzler, as long as temperature compensation is good for the really hot coffee, and the Northern-Hemisphere vs. Southern Hemisphere thing can be worked out.

But it doesn't just stop there. The list of demands is longer than the list of celebrities:

Other memorable requests include: a monkey for the Bloodhound Gang, Flintstone vitamins for Christina Aguilera, "Corn on the cob: fresh ears, cooked 3 minutes only" for Aerosmith, and a sea of alcohol for Queens Of The Stone Age including a large quantity of Coronas for frontman Josh Homme. Then there’s the large supply of napkins for P Diddy with his name printed on all of them, corn starch for Nine Inch Nails, toilet seat covers for Live, two female dancers for "Weird Al" Yankovic to swivel with, and underwear for Moby and the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Even Modest Mouse ask for socks to be purchased for them as they “don’t do laundry” and throw them all out.

Britney Spears demands a private phone line in her dressing room for outgoing calls only and fines the promoter $5,000 for any unauthorised incoming calls. Hellbilly rocker Hank III has obviously taken a leaf out of the Van Halen book with his demands which include a monkey, a half-gallon of milk, cereal, Oreos, Lunchables, squeezable mustard and ketchup, and a great white shark. Limp Bizkit make a point about the lights in their dressing room having to be “dimmable” while the Beastie Boys demand mountains of condoms in assorted rainbow colours.
Attention entrepreneurs: if unmet demand is opportunity, then I've just given you the map to a gold mine.

So get to work, and don't forget Mariah's bendy champagne straws.

If you really, really liked this -- or even really, really hated it -- there's lots more: