Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Palestinian Authority Foreign Minister
State of Palestine
Dear Sir, Monsieur or What Have You,
Allah's blessings be upon you, your wallet, and your son's wallet. First I must solicit your confidence in this transaction.This is by virtue of its nature as being utterly confidential and top secret.
Surely you have heard of me, I am Mahmoud al-Zahar, the very famous Foreign Minister of the Islamic State of Palestine (peace be upon it except for any places like army bases, roads, stores, homes and kindergartens where Zionist Occupiers might be found). I and my fellow leaders of the Islamic Resistance Movement need your help assisting our worthy Palestinian brothers -- and even some of the unworthy ones if they will swear allegiance to us -- in completing an EXCEPTIONALLY LARGE FINANCIAL TRANSACTION. We represent a noble and democratically-elected Jihad leadership that is interested in the importation of humanitarian goods, ammunition and advanced weaponry into our country with funds which are presently trapped in various safe deposit boxes and secret accounts scattered throughout France and Suha-only-knows-where-else.
As you may know, the Sons of Apes and Pigs -- and their Illegitimate Sister too -- have most cruelly stopped the flow of all aid to our poor starving freedom fighters who are insufficiently armed and lack for almost all necessities including volatile chemicals, bullets, remotely piloted vehicles, armor piercing rockets and land mines...oh, and baby formula and whatever else our poor malnourished people need. The Zionist entity confiscates our tax money while the Infidel States of America strong-arm bankers into bouncing all of our checks, even those written to the most reputable of arms dealers. Without a quick infusion of cold, hard cash, it will become harder and harder to continue convincing our government's functionaries to avoid the undignified acceptance of the Zionist Oppressors' offers of food and essential medicinal supplies -- none of which would ever help load a Kalishnakov of course.
So it is therefore with much joy and great ululation that I am able to share with you this most AMAZING discovery -- but ONLY if you PROMISE to keep it SECRET! A recently deceased...shall we say... rival...left a substantial amount of money -- $2,184,073,233.24 to be exact -- which has heretofore remained unaccounted for. I don't want to get into details about this man's horrible, horrible widow and her Parisian shopping sprees, the overpriced private schools for the orphaned brats, or the secret bank accounts, but let me just say that I now have access to this money and no way to funnel it to the poverty-stricken security forces and explosives labs inside my dear country.
This is where YOU come in. As I mentioned, no bank will handle this transaction for us since they are all afraid of being branded so-called terrorist supporters by the Real Terrorist. So we need a reputable 3rd party who can process our $2 billion dollars (TWO BILLION U.S. DOLLARS, AND CHANGE) in their own account and then allow our intermediaries and anonymous moderate supporters to access these funds.
Of course anyone providing such a legitimate and humanitarian service WOULD SHARE IN THE PROFIT and could KEEP 10% OF THE MONEY -- less local taxes, import/export duties, fees and exit visa charges -- I promise.
Time is short. Already I hear the impoverished security forces knocking at my door, and the pre-rehearsed bawling of their hungry future martyrs as well -- as if this is somehow MY fault. They drive me crazy, all of them whining day and night about not getting paid and blocking my personal parking spot with their demonstrations. The cleaners are still prying bullets out of my Picture Wall of Fame after last night's festivities. And I don't know how I'll ever replace my precious autographed photo of me with Khomeini and the Assad the Elder -- those were the days, weren't they? So you can see, you must act now, right away, before we both lose this once in a lifetime opportunity.
But in order to be a legitimate agent of the Palestinian people, you are first legally required to provide a one-time refundable deposit of at least $25,000 in cash. Make sure the money is in small unmarked bills, packed in a suitcase -- I prefer Samsonite, red, with the special coating and stain resistant handles. You should bring it personally to the Rafah border crossing between Egypt and Gaza.
Word of advice: Do not -- I repeat, DO NOT -- bring the cash to the Kalendia checkpoint or anywhere else under the Zionist Occupier's jurisdiction. The Zionist stormtroopers ask way too damned many questions. No, you MUST enter through Egypt. Also, whenever I am smuggling large amounts of cash, I always ask for Ahmad at the Cairo airport; he is most understanding. And when you get to Rafah, tell them The Wart sent you. You will probably need to bribe the border agent several thousand extra dollars -- do not be alarmed,this is perfectly normal -- and then my security people will take good care of you. They will slip you past any surrounding greedy Fatah bastards looking to misappropriate your money -- if my guys put a hood over your head, do not worry, it is only a disguise -- and then they'll escort you straight to my office in the Palestinian Parliament. Or if I am out amongst my constituency, they might take you to an abandoned warehouse I sometimes use for these meetings instead. But don't worry, they will see to it that your deposit is perfectly safe.
Then, after a quick break to phone your relatives and let them know you're here, I would love the opportunity to demonstrate to you the legitimacy and sincerity of our offer of cooperation in this momentous financial endeavor. I could introduce you to other members of the Palestinian government, and the security services who so deparately need a share of this cash. Just to be sure though, others in your family -- those who love you -- they do also possess large sums of liquid assets, do they not? I ask only to confirm my impression that you are a remarkably suitable individual, with a solid family backing, to receive this great blessing.
Please note that this transaction is 115% safe and we hope THAT THE FUNDS CAN ARRIVE IN YOUR ACCOUNT no more than ten (10) banking days from the date of reciept of your suitcase stuffed with CASH.
You may have doubts about this unbelievable opportunity. Perhaps you've read of similar (but completely different) situations on sites exposing various types of frauds, scams and other types of extortion and illegal money-making ventures. Please put these doubts aside. I promise you -- and my word is as good as the email it's written on -- that this is not some kind of Nigerian scam. No one from Nigeria wrote this letter. I wrote it myself -- pretty good, isn't it? Any Nigerian involvement is limited to a purely advisorial capacity and should not cause you even a moment of hesitation in fully investing yourself in this scheme. Believe me, you will get rich quick -- but only if you act quickly. Hurry, but don't forget the red suitcase.
I assure you, I am completely trustworthy and you should not doubt my sincerity in any way.
Yours truly, etc.
Linked with appreciation to Stuck on Stupid, Third World County, Adam's Blog and Tor's Rants