Sunday, June 18, 2006

How Many UN Member States Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb? 

The United Nations General Assembly,

Recalling its relevant resolutions on the subject of enforced darkness imposed on Palestinian women and children by Israel, the Occupying Power,

Recalling also the intense unsuitability of the light of Israeli bombardment, shelling, incessant gunfire and burning of native Palestinian olive groves as a replacement for the light bulbs that are the right of the Palestinians and of which they are deprived,

Taking note of the great tendency of Israeli light bulbs to burn out much more quickly than many light bulbs in other parts of the world, even if you are careful not to let your children switch them on and off too often and are not using them in American lamps with faulty transformers,

Noting in particular Israeli domination of the market for light bulbs in the Occupied Territories and the concomitant involuntary Palestinian dependence on inferior Israeli bulbs, which we are pretty sure is a war crime under the jurisdiction of the Internation Court of Justice, but don't ask us to quote exactly which law is broken, we just know it feels wrong,

Aware of the fact that bulbs in other parts of the world do from time to time burn out,

Nevertheless acknowledging that said parts of the world are not Occupied Territory and the responsibility of the Occupying Power, Israel,

Considering the fact that Iraq and also Afghanistan also are urged to petition this body for the change of their light bulbs under the occupation of their various Occupying Powers, be they British, American or other non-indigenous occupiers (but not Tibet or any other "people" occupied by China or other non-aligned friends of this body),

Regardless, waiting to include Iraq and Afghanistan as occupied bulb-deprived territories until such time as they have established their own decades-long records of official complaint,

Stressing the overriding importance of Palestinian light bulbs over all others, even to the extent of safeguarding the rights of Palestinian dim bulbs and not just those actually willfully burned out by the Occupying Power,

Acknowledging the importance of the Israeli withdrawal from within the Gaza Strip and parts of the northern West Bank and of the dismantlement of settlements therein as a step towards the implementation of the road map, and of the availability of any spare bulbs that may have created,

Nonetheless overlooking that withdrawal until such time as various committees, commissions of inquiry, boards and trusts established by this body officially notify the Secretary General that Palestinian leadership, such as can be found, is satisfied that no further withdrawals nor increased light bulb imports can be effected through pressures exerted by this international forum,

  1. Reiterates that all attempts by Israel, the occupying Power, to change Palestinian light bulbs on their own, in contravention of the established right of occupied peoples to self-relumination, are illegal attempts to hide the magnitude of the impact of Occupation and are to be condemned;

  2. Further, condemns the failure of the occupying Power, Israel, to change the light bulbs of the Palestinians for whom they bear legal responsibility under numerous sections of international law which it is advised no one ever actually read;

  3. Expresses grave concern at the use of suicide bombing attacks against Israeli civilians resulting in extensive loss of life and injury; there can we move on now, we said it, we hope you Israelis feel better;

  4. Reminds Israel, the occupying Power, that the rights of occupied peoples living in enforced bulbless darkess are immutable and are to be safeguarded by any means possible, that is to say, yes you deserve it, so don't go quoting us on number three;

  5. Requests the Secretary-General to report to the General Assembly at its next session on the implementation of the present resolution, and on the excruciatingly slow but steady bulb-changing progress, and calls upon ALL member states to assist with the Palestinians' gradual relumination, with the exception of the occupying Power, or any power ruled by a reckless cowboy.

If you really, really liked this -- or even really, really hated it -- there's lots more: