Thursday, August 03, 2006

Ahmadinejad's Solution 

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, after much careful deliberation, has finally come out with his solution to the problem of fighting between Israel and his proxy army, Hizballah:

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Thursday the solution to the Middle East crisis was to destroy Israel, Iranian state media reported.
This announcement surprised many reporters in attendance, who were expecting a call for multilateral negotiations to discuss the swift implementation of UN Security Council resolution 1559 calling for Hizballah's disarmament.

Perhaps sensing this surprise and confusion, Ahmadinejad further clarified his answer:

Ahmadinejad also called for an immediate cease-fire to end the fighting between Israel and the Iranian-back group Hezbollah. 'Although the main solution is for the elimination of the Zionist regime, at this stage an immediate cease-fire must be implemented'
This definitely clarified things for the confused, since obviously it will be hard to destroy Israel while it is still actively defending itself. Instead, Ahmadinejad's wise, peace-seeking solution is for the rest of the world to convince or coerce Israel to cease its ongoing insistence on defending itself against kidnappings and rocket attacks. Once the first phase of Ahmadinejad's peace plan is fully implemented, the second should be a piece of cake, with perhaps Iran even volunteering to take the lead of a global coalition of the willing, and saving the Bush regime's over-stretched troops the trouble of having to destroy Israel on top of existing duties in Iraq and Afghanistan. In fact, once Ahmadinejad is allowed to destroy Israel, the US would be able to retreat immediately from the region, as peace would reign from Cairo to Kandahar.

Reporters, eager to boost readership by capitalizing on Ahmadinejad's vast popularity in Arab and Islamic news markets -- where he is swooned over like a rockstar, or at least a reality show contestant -- pressed the President for his solutions to other problems in the world. A few examples:

Q: Mr. Ahmadinejad, can you suggest some solution to the rising cost of oil? Conservation? Tapping new sources? Perhaps technological innovations, even if they might undercut your own country's economic lifeline?

A: I recommend the destruction of Israel. If you destroy Israel, you will see an immediate reduction in oil prices, I am almost certain. Of course, as a short-term solution, until the final solution can be implemented, a crippling, global embargo against the Zionist state could temporarily slow the rise in prices by removing Zionist demand for oil from the market.

Q: Mr. Ahmadinejad, another question if I may? There is a great deal of violence in Darfur, human rights violations on a scale dwarfing anything going on in Israel and the Middle East. I know Israel is a special focus for you, but could you perhaps turn your vast peace-loving intellect on this other troubled region and suggest a solution for Darfur?

A: Oh, yes, yes, indeed Darfur is a serious problem, in which Muslims tragically fight other Muslims. This bloodshed must be stopped. So ask yourself, if Muslims are dying, who stands to benefit? That's right. The whole reason Muslims are fighting in Darfur is because they are so upset about Israel's existence, and yet American and Western hegemony renders them powerless to solve this problem themselves -- so obviously they kill each other instead. I am certain that if you destroy Israel tomorrow -- or even better, tonight -- you would see the fighting in Darfur cease immediately.

Q: Mr. Ahmadinjad, Mr. Ahmadinejad! Over here, Bob Smith, Entertainment Weekly. As news of discord in the marriage of Kevin Federline and Britney Spears continues to stun the world, do you have any advice that might help save the marriage of this superstar couple?

A: Well. I believe as a temporary solution, that Mr. Federline should cease his failure of a rapping career and focus on being a better husband and father. And of course Britney is on the right track by distancing herself from the corrosive effect of this so-called Kabbalah movement. But these are only temporary measures which can keep the couple together another year, maybe two at the most. But in reality, an infidel marriage such as their is inevitably doomed so long as the state of Israel continues to exist like a great big canker sore on the lips of the world -- what husband or wife is going to want to kiss that?

If you really, really liked this -- or even really, really hated it -- there's lots more: