Monday, June 05, 2006

Fundraising Suggestions for Michael Moore's Potential Legal Bills 

Have you heard about Michael Moore's legal troubles?

A double-amputee Iraq-war vet is suing Michael Moore for $85 million, claiming the portly peacenik recycled an old interview and used it out of context to make him appear anti-war in "Fahrenheit 9/11."

Sgt. Peter Damon, 33, who strongly supports America's invasion of Iraq, said he never agreed to be in the 2004 movie, which trashes President Bush.

In the 2003 interview, which he did at Walter Reed Army Hospital for NBC News, he discussed only a new painkiller the military was using on wounded vets.

"They took the clip because it was a gut-wrenching scene," Damon said yesterday. "They sandwiched it in. [Moore] was using me as ammunition."

Damon seems to "voice complaint about the war effort" in the movie, according to the lawsuit.

But what the father of two from Middleborough, Mass., was really talking about was the "excruciating" pain he felt after he lost his arms when a Black Hawk helicopter exploded in front of him.
I know Michael Moore lays claims to great wealth -- "I'm a millionaire, I'm a multi-millionaire. I'm filthy rich." -- but even the filthy rich might have trouble coming up with $85 million in a hurry. And Mr. Moore hasn't made his fund-raising any easier, having burned an awful lot of bridges, all for the sake of guaranteeing that Al Franken would give him his very last penny in a pinch. Well this could very well be a major pinch, and even Al Franken's very last penny might not be enough. It's for that reason that this week's precision guided humor assignment is to offer Mr. Moore some advice on how he might be able to cover these potential legal liabilities:

  1. Undergo extreme liposuction and auction off the resulting byproduct in 100gram increments at Cindy Sheehan demonstrations, Democratic conventions, and progressive blog sites. Potential income, including television rights for the procedure: $38 million.
  2. Accept the offer of millions of adoring NASCAR fans to take the place of the pace car in an upcoming NASCAR event, any event. Potential income, including insurance payouts and endorsements for full body traction equipment: $17 million.
  3. Volunteer for a pay-per-view, one-night-only cage match to the death against the world's leading wrestling stars, with a pre-match screening of the new Michael Moore documentary: "Wrestlers are Frauds and I Could Kick Their Pansy Butts With One Arm Tied as Far Behind My Back as the Fat Will Allow!" Potential income: $15 million.
  4. Utilize the seeds of cinematic greatness some have seen in him to film the ultimate remake of Riefenstahl's propaganda film Triumph of the Will, with George Bush's head photoshopped over the original footage of Hitler's face, and the addition of unceasing, insinuating voice-overs to make sure the comparison isn't missed. Potential income, after deducting for minimal advertising costs on Air America: $11.85 million.
  5. Start a line of snack food products specializing in four different salted nut offerings called: Gun Nuts, Roger's Nuts and Me, Michael Moore's Really Nuts, and just plain Hillary's Nuts. All products packaged in perforated tin foil wrapping which can be cut and folded into a handy moonbat-hat and Rovian Ray repellent in anywhere from 10 seconds to 3 days, depending on how nuts. Potential income, after allowing for consumption of some of the profits and legal fees fighting complaints that the foil hats failed to stop the Rovian Rays: $1.9 million.
  6. Take a part time gig doing on camera guest-hosting for Zawahiri when he is on vacation or dead. Potential income, not including shot at taking over full time: $1 million.
  7. Sell the Haliburton stock. Potential income, ignoring taxes for the moment, since why would Michael Moore need to pay taxes: $150,000
  8. Start a nationwide bus tour to recollect all of the underwear, ramen and potato chips he gave out in an attempt to affect presidential voting in 2004. Potential income upon resale of all recovered items, after accounting for cleaning costs, fuel and on-bus potato chip consumption: $95,991.50.
  9. Charity auction for a night at Krispy Kreme and Burger King with the big man himself, cost of food included in bid price. Potential income, including restaurant kickbacks and discounts: $4,000.
  10. Sell rights to his "Behind the Scenes Encounter with Jimmy Carter" video, for political porn afficianados who like their anti-American tools big and the bellies who love them bigger. Potential income: $8.50

If you really, really liked this -- or even really, really hated it -- there's lots more: